Extra Broken

I must be extra broken 

I have been consumed by grief today

Why does my mind torment me so?

The constant desire to have her here

The wishing somehow it wasn't true

Discouragement at it's best

Reliving the tragedy

Unable to escape the mistakes

The weight is crushing

Bargaining with my future

Trying to find her

Heart unsettled and never at rest

searching for peace

All of my hope and dreams adjusted

Missing one child from my arms

Needing relief

Holding fast to the pain

Unrelenting

Today I wonder if I am extra broken?

Did I come predisposed to not coping well with disappointment?  

I mean life shattering heart break? 

I know many of you and your prayers have rescued this extra broken mama time and time again. 

Thank you!

In the News

John Boy was on the news tonight.  

I missed it. I was on my way to SLC with the youth.

It was lovely to meet Sandra Yi. 

She was the reporter who interviewed JB from the hospital back in October. 

I couldn't find the video, but click HERE for the article. 

The bike for Mia ride is quickly approaching.  I have received texts and emails from a few wanting to know when they are coming through town.  They will start in northern Utah and will be coming through Park City on Memorial day.  If you are a cyclist or want to pretend for a day they will be riding from Park City down into the valley in the morning Memorial Day.  The kids will join in for few blocks and we will have a breakfast for all the riders. :-)  

Shoot me an email if you would like to come.  

Daniel Mckeehan drove all the way from Hurricane and will soon be riding for days in honor of our little girl and to promote Organ Donation Awareness.  I look forward to spending some time with his family and getting to know the people who are doing such a wonderful thing. 

Thank you!

Re-Post Mother's Day

I wish I could rewind to the day I posted this post!  Jessica, We love you so much!  Happy mother's day.  Jacob is our angel!  I wish I could see you today and we could cry together.  We will always feel an overwhelming gratitude to you for giving us our little girl.  
We miss her greatly and know how much you miss Jacob!

Today we want to honor the brave and wonderful mother of Jacob, Mia's donor.

Happy Mother's Day to the mother who...

gave Mia her life.

 

It is the greatest gift we will ever know.

We want you to know on this mother's day...

we love you, and know how much you miss Jacob. 

We wish we could reach through the computer and give you a Mother's Day hug.

 

Happy Mother's Day from your heart daughter.

You will always be a Mother.

For Jessica from Lilly McDowell on Vimeo.

A little re-post  Tribute to my mom... Happy Mother's Day mom!  

"New" Tractor

I just found these pictures of Sammers and Papa!  My dad purchased a tractor back in the fall and he came down to take Sammers for a spin on the "new" tractor. :-)  He is such a little farmer boy.

Sam has become quite the little companion on anything motorized.  Sam's favorite day of the week is when he is riding along with Papa while he mows the grass.  I hope Sammers remembers riding with his Papa.  We need to go up to the farm asap for Sammers sake.

Interactive Television

I usually sit down to blog in the evening when the kids are in bed.  It's just what I do.  I like to read too but I am constantly behind so I usually end up on my laptop.  Last night I didn't feel like writing about anything.  I mostly want to complain and express how sad I am all the time, but I ended up staring at the screen wondering what happened to my life.

This night however, I just sat and typed word for word what I heard as JB watched TV.  I have no idea what he was watching... I think it might have had something to do with zombies.  I steer clear of all things zombies, but I realize how much I appreciate his interactive TV watching.  He makes me giggle when he watches his "shows" because he gets so into it.

In any action show we watch together he talks during the show... like he is a part of it.  Essentially he is a commentator and he usually has really funny things to say that make me laugh.  I can see how this would be irritating for a lot of people.  It is not for me because generally I do not appreciate action movies so he turns it into a comedy for me.  He is so witty and comes up with the craziest things to say.  He also does this during movies I enjoy.  Last time we went to a movie he not only had me laughing but my sister and the couple with us trying not to be disruptive by laughing.  It's just what he does.  He is sneaky with his remarks... and the way he says things often gets my belly hurting. He is also not shy about commenting on cheesy things too.  He just has to talk his way through movies/ TV shows... and I don't mind it.

He had no idea I was watching or listening to him on this night... because I was typing away from across the room. These are examples of what he says when he is watching TV by himself.  I will have to be sly and write down things he says when we watch together.  Definitely more funny if he is talking to me than the TV screen...



"get em!!!"

"that's what I'm talkin' aboooout"

"now!! Do it now!" (telling the actor when to shoot his gun)

"That's a big gun"

"come on"

"Oh no.... not a good idea  (insert characters name)" He talks to the characters, on a first name basis.

"Don't do it _______ "

"heh heh"

"Woah! That's gonna leave a mark"

"Do it."

"you're hosed now dude"

"Oh, you shouldna done that!"

"Yeah, you're not gonna recover from that."

"Yeah... definitely definitely won't be getting back up."  He pronounces definitely "definly" and says it quickly two times.

"That's jacked, that's jacked....."

" Croickey"  (yes he really did say this.) trust me. I know.



He also talks to the characters using the name they had in the first show/movie he saw them in.  For example, Jack Bauer's daughter in the show 24 will always be Kim; no matter what show she is in.   When he talks to them during the show sometimes his characters name span over a decade.  He can cheer me up with his humor.  He is one funny guy.

This truly had nothing to do with anything... just a peek at this man of mine.

Good With the Bad

I went to the cardiologist last week.  I was there in the echo room trying desperately to keep it together since the last time I was there was with my precious Mia.  I am also a patient there and considered just being seen at a different facility, but my doctor's appointments were so far out that I just bit the bullet and went.  Going to the hospital without Mia will always be a challenge... always.   My mom came with me per tradition and at the end of my echo I saw her looking side to side swaying back and forth. She looked like she was imitating Stevie Wonder and I just looked up and laughed.  I've never seen my mom spontaneously dancing so this was quite a treat.  After my laughter tapered off and hers... she explained she has arthritis in her neck and that is how she loosens it up.  Too bad I didn't get it on camera. It definitely lightened the mood and was a welcome distraction from being somewhere I flat out did not want to be.  

Hospital days are exhausting.  Heart problems are exhausting  Life is exhausting. Death is exhausting.  Why does everything have to be so exhausting!??  John and Sammers also came with us to SLC, and made it to the appointment just as the doctor came in.

THE GOOD:

My heart improved (according to the measurements).  It did not get any worse meaning the root has not become more dilated.  This is due to the fact that I am finally taking my medication regularly.  I am glad it is not more dilated, although for a fraction of the visit I was hoping I needed heart surgery;  simply for the possibility that I might see my girly while I'm under.  You hear of people telling of visitations they had while under anesthesia.  I don't know whether to be embarrassed or not, but truthfully I would gladly undergo heart surgery for a chance to see my Mia.   For now I don't need surgery... possibly in a few years.

THE BAD:

While we were there the doctor also listened to Sam.  Back when he had his seizure episode the doctor said he thought he heard a murmer.  My doctor listened to him and confirmed that he did in deed have a murmer.  WHAT?!  I informed her that I was not accepting any other heart problems in my family.  She said she recommends he have an echo.  Learning of his echo my day quickly went from alright to not my favorite.  Ellie has a bicuspid valve and if Sammy has one too... so help me.  No more heart problems please!  Sometime soon I will have his little heart checked out.  Sometimes I feel like running away from the health issues that plague my family.  Why can't our hearts work properly?  Why did Mia's heart stop?  It fully recovered.  It just hurts so badly that her heart was fine after they gave her the medication she needed.  I know I will never have the answers to all of my why's... but that doesn't mean I will ever stop wondering.  

Pieces of My Heart

I have been trying lately not to dump all of my heart out.  It's a challenge.  I am trying to "try it on for size"  a reality where I don't cry at every little last thing that triggers how sad I am.  I have tried.    I will admit I am not very good at this.  My life has become a series of sneakiness.  I am the sneaky mourner.  I cry when I know I can cry hard and fast and hopefully get it all out before anyone is the wiser.  The bathroom... the shower... in my car with the music up.  Why the need to hide?  I don't know.  I am not embarrassed or ashamed to cry... It's just easier to not have "moments" every-time someone sees me with tears in my eyes.  A new therapy I am trying which is sad yet maybe a little hint of funny is stepping in front of mirror.

If you are crying and you can't stop.  If you watch yourself  cry suddenly you see your face in all it's crying glory and sometimes (not always) you just have to laugh instead.  Maybe it is due to the fact that you never see what you look like when you cry.  For me, just seeing my grown up self crying like crazy can literally turn my frown upside down.  This technique is usually used if I just can't shake the sadness and the ugly thoughts. I know if I sit in front of my mirror and let it all out sometimes I can end up laughing instead.  When I just want to cry I avoid the mirror, but sometimes I am just so sick and tired of crying.  If you are a perpetual cryer and need a go to for stopping I would give it a shot.  I will throw it out there that I had no idea I looked the way I did when I cry.  Pre October I wasn't much of a cryer.  I only happy cried.  I am a reformed happy crier.  It is all devastation from here on out I'm afraid.  Now I am a sneaky, sad, mirror if necessary crier.  It just strikes without warning.  Today my triggers for the flash flood of tears were:
- snuggling on couch with sammers watching backyardigans and seeing mia sing those songs in my mind.
- looking in the rearview mirror and not seeing her happy face.
- seeing Aida in her drive way (post about this precious girl coming soon... just haven't been able to do it yet.)
- Seeing a STUPID commercial for Disney World. It's like a knife... no a sword to my heart
- Seeing her face smiling back at me in the hallway
-  Thinking about walking into her room and seeing her playing quietly and lighting up when she saw me come in.
- Ellie wearing her shirt to school
- Cooking "new news" for dinner
- Singing Ellie bedtime songs in Mia's bed.  She now sleeps in Mia's bed.


Yes this was all in one day- ONE!  Can you image what my week is like?  no... no you can't. Unless you can, and if you can I wish desperately that you did not.  Somedays I feel so so sad and other days I am so busy I only cry a few times.


Onto the next piece of my heart-

I have met some really neat people lately and I know without a doubt that they have been placed in my life.  Sometimes there are just certain people you need in your life in order to be the person you are supposed to be.  Even if they said one thing that resonated past your awareness into an ever so small place of you that holds absolute truths.  From a few of my interactions lately I have hope for my future.  Hope that one day I might look back and feel like I didn't lead a life destroyed, empty, and with a dark cloud continually shadowing my sunshine.  Most days it is just easier to give into the sadness and not fight for progress... not fight for a beautiful legacy for Mia.  The lows of my grief are extremely low.  I am so grateful for people who have been placed in my path to encourage me through the lows.  I don't consider myself lucky by any stretch, but I am fortunate to have some truly amazing people in my life... life longs, as well as newcomers.    


Another Piece-

Tonight I was at the hospital.  I was doing training for intermountain healing hearts.  I saw a dear friend who's daughter just had surgery.  So many familiar emotions entered my heart when I saw her.  For a second it felt like Mia was never gone... that this is still a big part of my life.  I have been back to the hospital a few times since October, but haven't written about my experiences.  It is difficult to be there.  Twice today I was in a restroom that I always took Mia into.  I can remember vividly things she said about some drawings on the wall.  Her sweet little voice echos in my ears when I am there.  I walked past all of the patient rooms she has gone into for clinic.  It feels like we were just in there.  Last August was her last appointment and everything looked great.  How on earth was I at the hospital today without her?  Sometimes the pain is so much I have to tell my brain it isn't real.  It's easier to just believe this isn't really my life- even just to make it through the hour. Mia made me so happy all of the time.  She was sweet and said the most endearing things.  I had an angel in my arms for four years and I miss her so much!

to be continued....

Bereaved Mother's Day

May 5th is Bereaved Mother's Day-

I think this date is pretty ironic. If you know me, you'll know why.

I had no idea there was such a mother's day.

Mia Flowers

My aunt Lani sent me picture of all of these flowers she planted. 

If you don't remember Lani click Here, here, here, here, or here.... or here.  There are more, but those will get you started. 

That first link was posted exactly two years ago... and makes me ache for my old life. 

All of those posts make me ache.  I just need her back.  

We had such a good life!!

The rest of the posts just feel like a stranger wrote them.  Some super happy stranger that was lighthearted and full of life.  

Back to Mia's Flowers...in the fall Lani told me she planted a bunch of bulbs for miss Mia. 

It warms  my that she did this.  

Everyone needs an aunt Lani!

My aunt Lani was in the room when Mia came into this world.  

This makes her a witness to one of the best days of my life.  

If I could rewind to that day I wouldn't hesitate. 

 Just like my little girl all of the flowers are simply beautiful.

I love all of the blossoms... I wish they were in my yard!

I would love to have the gene/knowledge that she has in which she knows the names of all plants/flowers and how to take care of them.  

It is a dominant Giles DNA code that I did not inherit. 

I guess it's never to late to try to learn. 

I love all of the flowers Lani!  

Also, thank you for the beautiful bouquet of purple flowers you sent.  They were beautiful and believe it or not lasted for a long long time!

I truly appreciate all of the love we have been shown.  It sure feels like we are still in full swing of people showing how much they care. 

Thanks again Lan - for everything.   

Beautiful Things/ Beautiful People

There are so so many wonderful things that entered our home and lives this past year.  Much of which I have yet to post about.  I decided to start with one room and photograph items in that room. These are the beautiful things from beautiful people in our front room. 

My uber talented Brother in law Nathan painted this painting of my girl looking up at the ballons as she sends her messages off to Jacob in Heaven.  I love this painting and think he is so talented.  I had a few people asking about if they could purchase his art made from barn wood.
If he starts doing commissions I'll let you know.  

My dear friend Jennifer Frink orchestrated a gathering of all of our Washington people to show their love and support.  Jenn, you are so thoughtful. Thank you so much for doing this.  She had everyone gather at a high school in Puyallup and my friend Jennifer Wilcox took these pictures.  I loved reading the sweet messages from everyone on the matt.  I love that they spelled out Mia.  They also did a balloon launch.  I was watching it via face-time (thanks CP) and just had tears streaming down my face.   

The other side is a heart shape.  

I am so touched they all gathered to do this.  

I am so grateful that so many love my little girl and care about her life.
Mia is one loved little girl!

We miss our Washington friends and family!

Thank you so much for doing this. Truly! It is so lovely.

It is hanging up in our front room reminding me of all the love from Washington. 

Thank you thank you!

My beautiful neighbor came over and did these hand impressions of the kids the week of the funeral.  She gave us so many different variations of her work.  I love them all!  We have ornaments of Mia's hands and feet, and a wall hanging for each of the kids.  She is so sweet and so kind to do this for us.  Thank you Kelsie!    

A shelf full of love for our Mia.
My sisters and a fellow angel mommy Amy made the beautiful letters. 

We love all of the Willow trees! 

I wish I had written down everything that came in the mail.  

I want to thank everyone personally, but there was so much and my brain was not present. 

If it was you- Thank you!

Another thoughtful gift came from a girl who does hand molds.  She came and took castings of our little Mia's hands and feet.  This is her blog.

Mommy and Mia's hands.  

I remember dipping my hands while holding hers for one of the last times and I just truly wanted to be done with mortality.  I can admit it now, but there was no way I could let go of her and allow myself to carry on without her.  That was an awful awful day! awful!

I just want that little hand.... wrapped in mine.  

I need her. 

IHH had one of her flowers dried and placed in this heart.  

Thank you IHH!  I really really like you! :-)

Quick plug for IHH- we have a Heart Hero 5K coming up for all my runner friends.

You can dress up in super hero costumes... yes yes you can. :-)

Register HERE.

There were so many flowers the week of Mia's service.  Flowers were everywhere.  I put a bunch of  dried flowers in one of the vases.  Sadly I didn't dry them enough and they got moldy.  I had to throw them out and start over with these.  It is difficult to tell but there are so many flowers in the vase.  Thank you so much to everyone who sent flowers! They were beautiful and now I have this to remember the kindness of family friends and strangers.  

One room down... a few to go.  So many people have been so good to us. 

Thank you for your love.  I wish I could reach through the computer and hug many of you who have been so thoughtful and caring to my family and who have been in love and fallen in love with my Mia.  I admit... once you see her face it is a slippery slope! 

Ells Talent Show

Ells insisted on doing a drill team hip hop dance for the 2nd grade talent show.

I agreed and toned down a few sets of eight to teach her and her friend Lilly. 

Her favorite part of the dance was the handstands... a non negotiable move.

She still remembers some of the moves from when I frantically tried to lean the dance for this. 

She sings the song often (as does Sam) and now has a dance to go along with it. 

Mommy fail moment: I accidentally cut the music wrong and added a verse to it that didn't belong. This mistake completely messed them up.  I should have had them practice with the CD and not the entire song.  When it came to the point in the music that they had no idea what to do they both just stopped dancing.  Ells didn't skip a beat and asked if they could do it again.  I laughed at her simple request  but tried to convince her she did great.  She wanted to finish the dance and the school counselor did indeed let them do it over at the end of the talent show.  Once I figured out what I did wrong, I just had them repeat the chorus part of the dance.  I feel bad.  I thought for sure I had cut the music right.   She was upset for the rest of the day and thought she did "really bad."   Luckily she forgave me quickly and is already talking about next year.  Her second performance was actually perfect... and I was so proud of her and Lily.  

  

I am so glad she has such a good friend! 

I am crossing my fingers they are in the same class next year!

Congrats JohnBoy!

John boy has been working for the past month at the job he was hoping to be offered. 

He is loving it!

Congrats John Boy!

The Hellewells and Jim came up for a weekend to stay in the apple house and they brought him this cake.  It was really yummy!

Songs for Mia

Wanted to share a cute email and video from the Kovacs famiy. 

So sweet!  It's really touching to receive things in my inbox of how you have celebrated her life in your own way.  I have been texted this week about how Mia has changed the lives of some friends... and it is comforting to hear. Thank you! 

Today Mia has been on all our minds and hearts I am sure. I was touched today that my sweet Liz orchestrated a full 'Celebration for Mia' for FHE tonight, complete with decorations, cupcakes she made from scratch, and a stage for our 'program.' I was touched by her thoughtfulness, but had no idea that it would prove to be a very tender experience for all of us. We one by one went on the 'stage' t...o share something we loved about Mia. Spencer and Levi were holding back tears. We all were. And then there was Elizabeth's sweet song for Mia. So full of true love and devotion to her memory. She had been thinking about this song all day, and what she would say--but I'm pretty sure she was making it up as she went. So precious. She wore a shirt today with a heart surrounded by larger and larger hearts. She said that the outer hearts mean that even though her memories of Mia may fade from her brain, the inner red heart represents that her love for Mia will always be in her heart. I thought I would share Liz's song with our family on this page, as it says what we all must be feeling. Our love goes to all of you, John, Mimi, Jensen, Ellie and Sam!

This next video is of Mia's heart sister Kaidence.  She got her second heart transplant this year and we just love her to pieces.  I love her Mia song.  

Thank you both for sending me these videos. They are so precious! So precious.  

I know there was a third video and I can't find it in my email.  

If you sent me a video of a song for Mia please resend. 

The kids have been working on a little Mia song of their own... song to come.

Mess Maker Sammy

Sam brings new meaning to terrible two's.  

I walked out of the kitchen for fifteen minutes... 

This is what awaited me when I returned:

A counter covered in sticky substance (still have no idea what it was or where it came from)

yikes!

A ball blower full of red jello, sugar, and a few toys. 

There were splatters much like this one of red jello all over the floor. 

The lesson I learned that day is not to let this boy out of my sight... ever. 

It took me a long time to clean it up. 

I documented this mess, but trust that this is only one of many Sammy disasters.

John refers to him as a troll that is compelled to destroy the place.

Oh, but "how much we love him!!"
That is his phrase... we borrow it.

When he is cosy and snuggling or anytime really he says, "how much I love you" in statement form.   He picked it up from the song you are my sunshine and it just stuk.
We think he means to say "I love you so much." I like his version.

Maybe Sammy's kitchen isn't a good idea after all. :-)

Joie de vivre

Even though she is in Heaven right now

This little girl exemplified Joie de vivre!

I miss her so so much.

My children are my Joie de vivre!
That is why having one of them not here is excruciating.

I thought about you all day today my girl.
Your little brother and I sang made up songs today using your sweet name.
We laughed a lot and wished you were with us.
Sadly, he still thinks you are getting a check up and pulled at my shirt to convince me to go pick you up.  As I sat there with my heart obliterated I quickly distracted him with a Mia song.

I wish I could peak in on you in Heaven.

Talented Artist and Bike for Mia

Isn't this beautiful? 

A senior artist at HHS drew this.  I am so so touched. 

Thank you so much Joel Lundell, you have a gift!
It represents her perfectly!

I am very touched by everything the community of Hurricane is up to. 
The principle of the High School and the Volleyball coach are doing THIS. 
John is going to try to join them, and I want to ride for part of it as well.

It is a week long venture... I just can't believe the distance they are riding. 

There is such genuine goodness in people.  Not to mention athleticism  :-)  

Thank you McKeehan and Rich families for creating this wonderful bike for Mia event. 

I look forward to seeing you all soon!

If anyone wants to ride a stretch with me let me know. 

Ellie and Sammy's Kitchen

Ellie and Sammy's Kitchen - Cupcakes from Mimi on Vimeo.


Ells and Sam have created (with my help) a little cooking tutorial on making cupcakes... from a mix :-) The two of them share the love of cooking and have been asking for weeks and weeks to do this.  I finally gave in.  Ells plans to make a video every sunday... she has lots of future plans with her cooking show.  Sammers is the perfect little, oh so scrumptious, side kick.

Enjoy Ellie and Sammy's Kitchen.

Remembering Mia- Pleasant

Mia always had the most pleasant disposition. 

This picture of Abby's b-day depicts perfectly the usual look on her face. 

I just miss her so much. 

Do I really have to live here without her?

Truly? 

Someone please tell me it's not true.

I miss doing her hair and putting her shoes on.


If I haven't mentioned this before I will now.  I LOVE LOVE receiving pictures of my girl that I have never seen before.  I have had friends drop some off at the door, and texted me some pictures hanging out in their phone.  It is such a great gift.

If you have pics of my girl... I need them.

It just makes my heart feel happy (which is a big deal) to see her face- the most perfect little face!  

SB- Sand

We made it to sand dune arch and didn't waste any time getting the kids buried in the sand.
They loved this! The kids spent the majority of their time digging holes and being buried.
The memories of the cold soft sand came rushing back from the last time I had visited.

Kye

Jense

Ells

Sammers

Baby Cow- this face is awesome!
He wasn't so sure about the sand.

Sammers enjoyed climbing and jumping off this rock into JB's arms.

Suz and I made our way to the top of the arch.  We have a picture from our childhood like this. I would love to find it and do a side by side photo.

Sadly we needed a little rescuing getting down.  Nathan caught us as we slid back down to the sand.

Thanks for all these pic Suz!

Jense was so happy just to be a head on sand. 

He said, "Mom can you take a picture of me and print it out for my wall?"

He has a wall in his room covered in pictures... this definitely makes his picture wall. 

Sammers and Ells went into the hole together- 

Once Jense was buried again Ells relished in torturing him while he had no hands. 

He laughed, but got free quickly. 

On the way back to camp we pulled over to this huge road side sand hill.  

The kids ran up and ran down... it was exhausting watching them. 

Sammy climbed halfway up then ran down with JB.

I was enjoying the sand from the car... and sadly

my camera battery died right before they ran down so I don't have any pictures of their excitement   

We had a lovely spring break besides the usual sad cloud that hangs over us. 

The kids can't wait to go back, and I think John boy is now a big fan of Moab. 

Hopefully we can make it down more often.