Sep 14, 2008

Running on Empty

Yes, I feel like I am running on empty (you know you just sang that song in your head). I am still able to smile and enjoy conversation, but I am sooooo tired. Not physically tired, although my body is exhausted. I am emotionally tired. This is totally the post that I am sure I will regret posting later, but I have never felt so much pain in my life! Things took a downward spin on Thursday during the night. I was sleeping in a sleep room when I got a phone call from the nurse. They told me her line hadn't been working and then had to get access for her medications. She told me they had to shave her head. Suddenly I wasn't sleepy AT ALL. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach- not that I have been kicked in the stomach before in my life, but this is what it feels like I'm sure. If I had been paged, I could have told them that there was no use trying to access her veins in her head. Needless to say, her line started working again, and the beautiful hair that had once adorned my daughters head was removed for nothing. The line had issues and was replaced the next day, which is a huge deal all in itself, but the hair being gone truly broke my heart. She never looked like a sick baby, and now she does. It is difficult because I find myself holding onto the little things and when they are yanked out from underneath me I don't recover well. That day I held her for hours on end and pretty much cried the entire day. Four days later, I still look at her and get teary. My emotional breakdown isn't entirely about the hair, but is a manifestation of how heart broken I am. I love this little peanut and she is going through so much. I feel like I have been holding up so well, and I just don't know how much more I can take.

They replaced her line and she is now intubated, which makes it difficult to hold her because she turns purple when we get her out of bed. Seeing her cry and not be able to breathe is so heart wrenching- as much as I have seen her go through this it is just as alarming as the first time she was intubated.

I am sorry to sound so down, and I do know we will get through this and Mia will be running around in no time. I just need it to happen soon. Ellie cries daily for her momma, and I can't heal her heart either. I always thought that we would get a heart and be home, and now I am forced to think about spending more time at home for my other kiddo's sake.

Please pray hard for my little Mia, that she will be stable until her heart arrives. And that the rest of her family will make it to her transplant.

As I rocked her today, a song kept popping into my head. The Michael McLean song "hold on" is a great song for someone in my situation. All I have to do is hold on... (listen to me give myself pep talks). I have to talk myself through a lot lately. The light will come- I know it will. We are just having a rough minute and could use some good news.

Mia did receive a blessing today which was wonderful! One thing is certain- she has a loving Heavenly Father who has blessed her so much. She has so many guardian angels, and a wonderful Savior who has helped us all through this. Hold on Mia!

30 comments:

Brittany Osborn said...

Oh Mimi. I think about you all the time. I log onto your page just to see if Mia got a heart at least three times a day. I've had a small (and I mean small in comparison) trial the last few days and was up emailing the friend involved and decided one more time to check your page. I can't imagine what you are going through. I cried when I read the description of her crying with the intubator. Oh my goodness, such a sad image. Please don't regret this post, we all want to know specific things to pray for and this gives us more. And don't worry - my babies' hair always falls out at three months (they are born with a ton and loose most of it) and I get really upset. Your case is much worse and I know I would cry. "Hold On" and we all love and pray for you.

Sarah said...

Oh, Mimi! Yes, I am praying for your sweet little Mia, for you, your sweet husband and your darling Ellie and Jensen. Praying for everything you need and sending all of the love that I can from so far away. You are so, so strong and one of the most remarkable women I know. I don't know how you do all that you do and am constantly amazed by you. I love you and am keeping you in my prayers. Hang in there!!!

anniewalkfam said...

Oh meems, I'm so sad for you and little Mia. I wish I could make it better for you and your family. I can only imagine how hard this is for you but you will all get through it and will be so strong because of it. hang in there and know that we are all here for you.

Sarah said...

PS - this is such a sweet post and I am glad you posted it! You shouldn't regret it at all, I think it's beautiful :) A little peak at your heart and I'm so glad you shared what's in it right now, it really touched mine.

Talia said...

Hang in there Mimi. I know your heart is breaking, but your baby girl has already gone through so much and will do great. I pray for her everyday and I will continue to until your sweet daughter gets her heart.

Stephanie said...

Mimi, you are so strong to post this. Don't regret it at all. This just gives us, your friends and family, a chance to feel with you. Thank you for being real. As moms we can't imagine what you're going through. Praise God that He is in control!! I also am checking your blog daily to see if Mia has received her heart. Even w/her weak one, she is SO strong!! You are a rock, Mimi. Don't be down on yourself. Jesus has you and Mia in His arms and He won't let you go. Please know that your "Baptist Buddies" at MOPS are and have been praying for you. We love you.

Stephanie

Rebecca said...

Whatever words I would have to say to you I'll say right to you, but I couldn't not comment. When the news came that there would be a major surgery involving a heart transplant for your unborn child, we sure didn't imagine this powerless waiting game. You are strong, even if you don't feel strong, you still are...that's how strong you are!

John Boy said...

Love you Mimi. The kids and I pray constantly for baby and for you. My heart brakes to hear this even though you tell me first hand. Hang on. Love you.

The Bankston Family said...

Mimi-
Mia is so blessed to have such a wonderful family and such loving parents. You and John are awsome! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers daily.

Katie said...

Praying and thinking of you constantly. Thank you for sharing your feelings tonight...my heart breaks for you and your entire family. The wait must be excruciating. Mia will hold on, she's a little fighter and knows of the love and support that surrounds her and the sweet family she'll come home to as soon as she gets that heart and is well. Just keep loving that beautiful baby and your good news will come. Hang in there and we'll keep praying-

Leslie's Place said...

Hello, Mimi-
I'm writing because I've been monitoring Mia's health since Taylor told me about it. I'm Taylor's mother, Leslie. Do you remember me? I've been praying for your family and this blessed child of yours from Italy. I read your message today and knew I had to say something to you. You hang in there, and this little one will also. She does have angels around her, and she is receiving more from here. You are a tough little cookie, and I want to let you know that. I think of you often, and pray for all of you every night.

Leslie

Leslie's Place said...

Hello, Mimi-
I'm writing because I've been monitoring Mia's health since Taylor told me about it. I'm Taylor's mother, Leslie. Do you remember me? I've been praying for your family and this blessed child of yours from Italy. I read your message today and knew I had to say something to you. You hang in there, and this little one will also. She does have angels around her, and she is receiving more from here. You are a tough little cookie, and I want to let you know that. I think of you often, and pray for all of you every night.

Leslie

Leslie's Place said...

Hello, Mimi-
I'm writing because I've been monitoring Mia's health since Taylor told me about it. I'm Taylor's mother, Leslie. Do you remember me? I've been praying for your family and this blessed child of yours from Italy. I read your message today and knew I had to say something to you. You hang in there, and this little one will also. She does have angels around her, and she is receiving more from here. You are a tough little cookie, and I want to let you know that. I think of you often, and pray for all of you every night.

Leslie

The Eggett Family said...

Mimi-

My heart is so broken for you. After reading this post I dropped to my knees in uncontrollable sobs to say a prayer for You & Mia and your family. I feel so much heartache and sadness right now that I can't even imagine what you are feeling. Thank you for posting this, I am so grateful to get a look inside your heart and know how you are feeling. It makes me pray harder and more sincerely than ever. I love you Mimi - and just wish I could take your pain away. Hang in there, you are a wonderful Mother!!! I'm sure you feel so torn right now between Mia and your other kids. That is such a tough situation, try not to feel guilty in any way. You are doing your best!! I love the song "Hold on" Don't forget it, the light will come :) :) :) just HOLD ON!!!

Anne and Dillon said...

Mimi,
Others have said it better than I can. I just want to tell you how impressed I am with your courage and strength. Maybe you can not see it right now but I can and so can anyone else. Having courage and strength does not mean that there isn't fear and pain and grief. It means that you do what has do be done in spite of it all. You are an amazing woman. An amazing mother.

Erin said...

Oh my goodness Mimi! I (like Shelley) dropped to my knees after reading this, and prayed once again for you and sweet little Mia. I can't even imagine the heartache you are enduring as you spend your days with Mia, and also as you think of your kids at home. What a hard situation that is. You are an amazing mommy, and I admire your strength and example. I love you Meems, and I love little Mia. You are right- the song 'hold on' is perfect for your situation. Keep holding on and the light - that new beautiful heart- will come. Love you

PS. I'm glad you'll get to go to the wedding, that will be a nice break in your new routine. I'm still trying to decide if I can go. It's about 5 hours from my house, so I'll let you know.

Carol said...

Hi Mimi. I pray for you guys every day. I wish I could do more. I feel helpless, and I know it's nothing compared to how helpless you must feel. I know when you go through trials like this it's hard to know that other people are living their lives and going about their business entirely oblivious to what you are dealing with. Just know that not everyone is oblivious. You have so many loving friends and family members who have a prayer always in our hearts for Mia. Hang in there!

eRiCa said...

Oh mimi as I read this my heart hurts for you and your family. I can't imagine what you're going through and the mental and emotional toll it's taking on you and your family. I can't imagine feeling torn between being near Mia and being near your other kids...wow.

I pray for little Mia every night and for you and the rest of your family to have strength. Glad that Mia was able to get a blessing...have you had one? Has your hubby and your kids all had one? It will help....

eRiCa said...

ps i am glad you posted this and you shouldn't regret it. It's good to be able to vent and you have touched my heart along with everyone else at your strength, faith and honesty.

love ya!

jayna said...

I would have given the clipper-happy nurse two tight slaps! But I guess they were doing their job. Now baby Mia will have to get through the next little while on her good looks alone. As I have babies without such glorious locks, I know this is possible.

Man, am I at a loss beyond the above. All I can say is that you guys are strong enough to endure...ALL OF YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! And we, your adoring public, are doing are part praying for you. P.S. I think it's totally fine to just scream out "THIS REALLY SUCKS!" and then go back to being gracious and amazing and strong.

Jim Hutchings said...

I love you.

Jim Hutchings said...

and I feel a little closer to short stack now that we're sharing the same haircut.

The Seare Family said...

Mimi,
It is Jill (Ridd) Seare. I, like Leslie, have been checking in on your updates ever since I first heard about baby Mia- hoping to see that she had received her heart. We have been praying for little Mia and your family. I am so sorry to hear of the tough time you guys have been going through, waiting for her heart.
We dealt with a "birth crisis" when our twin boys were born and we spent 3 months in the NICU. When I read about Mia, it reminds me of that roller coaster of emotions and my heart goes out to you. I am so impressed by your strength.
Mia sounds like a real fighter. She is very blessed to have such a good, loving family by her side.
We will continue to keep Mia and your family in our prayers.
Expect miracles and "Hold On".

Tracy Family said...

Hi Mimi. I have loved our past emails back and forth, when we found out about Ryan's condition, your words of comfort brought me a lot of strength when I felt broken into pieces. After Ryan passed they did too and I thank you for them because they made me stronger. I know what you are feeling, and it stinks to say the least! Not being able to hold your baby when they are suffering is the worst feeling ever, like torture.... Just know that we love you, and that angels are bearing you up, and that the Savior will take all your burden's if you let Him. Read the Hymn, "Where can I turn for Peace" it has helped me a lot lately. :)

LiNdS said...

Mimi,
Thanks for commenting on our blog. Little do you know that we have been actually checking your blog for quite some time now, and praying like crazy for Mia. We also donated just a little money a while back and I hope you got it and I hope a little helps. Mia is absolutely precious... just having a baby makes my heart ache for you and what you are going through. I hope with everything that she gets her heart soon. We will continue to pray. And we appreciate the honesty in your blog... don't apologize! It was beautiful to read your feelings and get some idea of what you are going through. We will continue to pray and watch for good news!
Lindsey and Jd Mair

Maria said...

We are praying for your family and little Mia. You both are such strong parents. Your children are so blessed to have the two of you. I appreciate both of your openness to share your true feelings about all that is happening. Hold On... the Lord has a plan for you.

Yergensen Family said...

WOW that was so powerful in every way! Thank you for sharing. I can't even imagine all the hard yet wonderful things that go on in your life right now. You are so so strong and you will come out on top and so will your cute family, all of you! One thing I tell my husband when I cut my hair...It will grow back eventually...don't worry it will come back and she will even prettier and healthier than before! God has placed this upon you because you are strong...he only gives you what you can handle! Keep the faith and remember all of us out here praying for you and your family! We all love you!

Jen said...

Mimi,

I know it is excruciating being torn between the children that you love. I remember wanting to die at the thought of leaving Zoe alone at the hospital because a baby should be with her mother and deserves to be especially when she's sick. And then I would see my little boy crying because I wasn't coming home that night and I'd want to collapse into a helpless heap of tears. It was so hard to picture Noah being okay after this experience but he was. He was sad and mad and when we did come home it was hard for awhile but soon he was his lovely self again. It's horrible to see your children hurting especially all of them at once but there is healing down the road. Hang in there and say hi to that crazy seagull for me (he and I dined together often also).

-Jen

Rachel said...

I hope you don't regret this post. I've personally never seen so many comments to one post. I hope you can feel everyone's love for you and your family. You are an amazingly strong woman. We pray for you all and hope for the best.

Holen Family said...

Mimi-
I have also been checking your blog as often as possible. I was just in your situation a couple of months ago and I also had the breakdown. I was constantly giving myself pep talks until one day I just didn't have enough energy. They sent a social worker to talk to me and she said "you are doing everything you can and that is what matters the most" I gathered myself and knew I had to keep being strong for Lilly. I found great strength reading passages by Gordon B. Hinckley. Just keep holding on. I pray for you and Mia every night.