Mar 19, 2009

It's all just too much

I didn't have a photo to go with this blog so I decided a nice picture of the SLC temple would be perfect. This is where I married my man, and we were sealed together for eternity. The temple symbolizes so many things for me personally one of which is that we can we will be reunited with our loved ones after this life. To learn more about the LDS church click here... or ask me :-)

On to the post...

Last night I couldn't sleep. This isn't unusual. I have anxiety... let's face it. The anxiety usually only shows up when it's time for me to sleep. Ok, maybe it's not anxiety... maybe it's fear. Yes, fear. No, it's not fear either. Alright it is an emotion that I can't describe. Mostly last night I was overwhelmed.

John has asked that I don't visit Gracie's blog as frequently. I have been reading and re reading her mom's words and last night was just TOO MUCH!! Not that John is insensitive, he just has a difficult time watching me cry so much, and when I read her blog I cry- without fail. I know my posts seem to be going from one extreme to the next, but in the end I want to document all of it... The cute things my kids do all the way to how my heart is aching for a friend who just posted about her babies funeral.

This post is remembering how much my life has changed.

If I had read this post one year ago it would have been heartbreaking and I am sure I would have sobbed just the same. However, the level of awareness is magnified immensely and here is why:

I spent four months in an ICU desperate for someone to say "yes" and choose to donate life for our Mia. On Mia's good days the wait was pleasant. When she was crying, heaving, and struggling to breath through a tube.. it was a suffocating! Mia was after all our precious baby that we adored and wanted to to take home for keeps. On days that I lost hope and thought that no one was ever going to say yes, I knew that one day I would be looking back on this time. There would be an outcome and it could only last so long. Mia would either be given a angel heart or she wouldn't. In my heart I knew she would be given a second chance... and she did.

The night we got the call I held my sweet baby in my arms knowing the next time I held her she would have a new heart. At that time I also felt keenly aware of another mom's sorrow. I don't have any information about Mia's angel, but knowing that there was a mom potentially given a few hours to hold her little baby for the last time is just too much! It is truly an amazing gift. I am completely humbled being on the other end of what she (Michele) was going through. I am so grateful for parents like Gracie's who go through so much and then chose to donate. I am amazed by the fact that their minutes were numbered, and they were able to say goodbye when it was time. I am so grateful for parents like mine who prayed so fervently that my baby would just hold on. My mom often told me how much time my dad was spending on his knees- for me it brings new meaning to Malachi 4:6.

The pictures from Gracie's funeral paint a thousand words. Read the fourth paragraph of her post and you will understand why my life has changed. My sweet Mia was also headed to an OR to be prepped, but the Jet was headed in her direction.

11 comments:

Stephanie said...

Each and everytime I read Gracie's blog I cry. I read her post yesterday about the funeral and when I commented I told her I really just didn't think i was ready to read that yet. My heart just breaks for them!

I'm thankful that Mia is doing well and at home with you!!!

Katie said...

Our husbands must think alike...I love reading Gracie's blog yet at the same time, it sends me into a "funk" too. I feel so sick for Michele and thier family, it's just not fair. I guess I have some guilt that my heart baby has done so well, although I wouldn't trade this, it just makes me that more incredibly grateful and realize how quickly things can change so I should never take one second of it for granted!!! Anyway, Sus said you gals talked yesterday...call me if you have some time. I'd love to chat with you (or cry too).

And I too, am so thankful that the jet was headed in Mia's direction...she's a miracle and such an inspiration to us all. Super star Mia! I'm so proud of her (and you) Thanks for posting this :)
Love,
Katie

Kaidence's Mommy said...

I just want you to know that you ARE NOT alone. I find myself too having these feelings all to often and for me they are all too real as well.

Brimaca said...

I agree. I haven't been through what you all have been through but it is all too much. My heart aches for Gracie's family. It's extremely difficult to read her blog. I'm glad there are success stories like Mia's to keep from getting too depressed!

Shelley Eggett said...

It is just too much! I feel the same way when I read her blog, and other heart babies blogs. What an incredible gift Gracie's parents gave. I am so sorry for your anxiety, you have every reason to feel this way. John's advice is probably wise advice. Love ya! Hold Mia extra long for me today and give her a big kiss for me too. I can't wait to meet her in person one day.

Brittoni said...

I love reading your blog because it puts so much into perspective. You heart mommies are such inspirational people!! I could never endure what you have had to. Gracie's blog brought me to tears today. My heart aches for her family. I am sooo happy that Mia continues to well. You are one person that I will always look up to!!

Tammy and Chris said...

It just breaks my heart each time I read Gracie's blog. There are so many families enduring such heartaches and trials, they are not alone. There are so many of us that want to do all that we can to help give service and be supportive in ways that we can. These little sweet babies have touched the lives of so many. They are so precious and loved. Through all of this they have and continue to make me a better person. Not personally knowing Gracie, I love her and pray for her family each day, along with families like hers. Mimi you and John and your family have endured a lot, and touch so many lives. You give strength to those around you. We love you Mimi. It is such a blessing to know that Heavenly Father blesses us to be eternal families, forever and ever.

Talia said...

I too have a hard not checking on Gracie's blog. I never met Michele or Gracie, but my heart aches for her. I held my breath everytime I came to your blog waiting for the news the precious Mia would get her heart and I too am so thankful the jet headed towards your precious girl.

Analisa-creator of hairblingzcutethings said...

i totally balled reading gracie's blog too, especially about the funeral as it was so sad and i couldn't help but think of Mia and she was on the completely opposite end of that. You and Mia and the rest of your lil' family have changed my life. My heart breaks for gracie and her family and I'm thankful they will be together again, and I hope this doesn't sound mean but I can't even imagine if that would have been Mia. I felt confident from the beginning that Mia would make it but there was still sometimes that touch of fear. I'm so sorry for all the heartache you have endured and still have to deal with through heart friends and I truly hope all your memories from here are good, happy ones!

Nathan said...

Meems, there is always a purpose, and we don't know what it is... though I can trust that there is a perfect loving Father who knows what's best for ALL of us. I'm thankful that Mia gets to stay with us. You are a champ for what you have been through. Gracie's family have been blessed with comfort from that same Father, and they will get to be with her again. Love you Meems.

Laura said...

I can't help but cry whenever I read Gracie's blog. I can't imagine the heartache and emptiness they feel and I wish I could stop the world for them to grieve. I'm grateful for wonderful people like you and Gracie's mom who are willing to open your lives and bare your souls to us and give us a glimpse into your worlds. My eyes have been opened on donating life, from both perspectives--giving and receiving. You and Gracie's family have touched so many lives with your experiences, what a blessing for me and many others, I'm grateful Mia is doing so well, yay!!