Oct 16, 2012

Awakening

Today some of Mia's things arrived from Give kids the world.  It was a duffle bag full of things that should have made her make a wish trip a wonderful adventure.  


The shirt to match a perfectly handmade minnie mouse skirt
Princess dress-up clothes for her princess breakfast
A name badge 
A Minnie key chain 
Matching shirts for the family
Minnie ponchos for sea-world and the rides that get you wet
A Minnie purse filled with all of her "hair pretties" 
Mia's Shoes
Souvenirs Ellie and I picked out for Mia prior to the trip
Pillows from a tree that gives out pillows
All of the gifts from the "gift fairy" that she will never open. 
She will never wear the skirt, she will never open the gifts, she will not dress up in her new Ariel dress.
All of the items are piled up in my room
Just sitting there reminding me of the awful truth that she will not use them.


I want to use them. 
I want to take her on the trip we had planned.
It just feels so wrong
She was so excited.
This was her reward for having a challenging life
She just wanted to meet Minnie and Mickey
That's all. She was so close.
One day away
ONE DAY!


It feels so cruel
So mean
So Terrible
Who does that?
The timing of it all makes me feel like I have been kicked in the stomach
Then stabbed in the heart
I am not handling this well
at all
Stop telling me I am strong- I am not
I am defeated and heartbroken


The most precious girl-
Why couldn't she just have this?
It was her big wish
Wishes are beautiful and lovely
This is ugly and awful


I am so angry and filled with rage
I want to break things
I am hurt 
I am devastated
The damage is done
It is just mean
and hurtful
and terrible
Will the anger go away?
Will the sadness subside in my lifetime?

I have a hard time believe that I will ever be OK with the timing of her leaving this earth
I will never be OK
I will never be OK
I will never be OK

I am so sad I don't know what to do
Sammy has been asking for her all day... and I want to take him to her

BUT  I  CAN'T!!!
He just wants his sis. I just want my baby girl.