Oct 23, 2012

Distracted by Day Devastated by Night

How are the kids and John holding up?
I get asked often by those closest to me...

They are Distracted by day Devastated by night. 
I don't have answers for them.
I feel like I have told them that we will see her again a million times. 
My words don't subdue their sadness.
Tonight Ells came into my room and in a quiet voice said:  "Mom I wrote a song for Mia."
I try so hard to not cry all the time in front of my kids
It alarms them.
I told her I would love to hear it.
In a soft sweet voice to a tune completely of her own she sang the words:

There is something that needs to change
and it is the sadness

and her name was Mia... I love her so much 
I will always love her
I will always love her

I have been crying for so many days

I love you Mia.


She wrote it all down on a paper from which I am translating.
At the bottom of the page is a picture of her and Mia together

I asked Ellie to sing it to me again- as she sang she demonstrated more beauty and grace in that moment than ever before.
Ellie is nurturing beyond her years.

After she completed the song she could tell that I was very touched
She gave me a hug and then quietly whispered as she walked out...

I'm going to go write a letter to Mia.

Today I found the letter, it reads:

Mia I love you so much
I love the way that you laughed and giggled
I have been crying 
Mia you were so nice to me
Next time I see you I want to play with you
Mia I love you


Ellie has requested a helium tank so we can put letters in balloons and send a message to Mia everyday.  She asked me if we sent balloons up everyday if Mia would get them.

I told her: "I hope so."

Ellie is so tender hearted and misses that girl like crazy.
She came home from school and told me that she cried.
I just want to take away her sorrow.

Ellie can have no regrets about her life with Mia.  She loved her up every single day and gave her the best of herself.  Ells was protective and generous beyond her years.

It hurts me to know that she now has to grow up with out her sister.
It just doesn't make sense
She needs her

How is Jense?

He hung up some pictures yesterday and came in and told me that he was crying looking at them.
He wants to put pictures of Mia everywhere
I told him that is a good idea.

Jense seems to be OK during the day, but is always sad at night
He was a great big brother and always talked to Mia in a sweet, loving, not typical of any nine year old I know voice.  He loved her so much.

How is Sammers?

The boy is truly racking my soul with anguish

Today we got a package in the mail from a friend.
Sammers opened it and gasped.

"It's for MEANA!"

He was calling for her to come open her gift.
He saw the Minnie Mouse and was so anxious and excited for her to have it.
He kept saying:
"It's MEANA'S!"

He plays all day the same stuff that he used to play with Mia. He always had a buddy and she is not there.  They were always in cahoots  Always.
Sammy now sits in the tubby alone
He used to run full speed down the hall with Mia
They would run as fast as they could from our room to Mia's room and back again.
When they crossed paths they would stop in front of each other and scream with delight.
They entertained themselves and it was a joy to just sit back and watch.

They ran from room to room often.
Those happy squeals are now a memory
I wish I had recorded it.
It was just everyday life, but I would give anything to see it again

How is John?

He is strong.  He seems to be OK on the surface but then he will walk in the room with
red swollen eyes.

He is suffering too

He has lots of moments of being back to his true self - while I feel like the old Mimi is long gone.

He has a lot on his plate
He misses his baby tremendously, he has to deal with a wife who missed the Sunday school lesson on coping with trials, and kids who still need normalcy.
He is the one spinning all the plates, while I keep throwing plates at him.

I have been told over and over and over again how wonderful John is these past weeks.
I know he is!  This is why I married the man.
It is easy to observe his greatness
He truly is by all definitions - great.

Sometimes I feel like I am being punished or something ridiculous for having a good life. Like we reached the limit on happiness or something and need to be cut back down to size.
Is my husband too great?
Too wonderful?
Is this why this crap is happening?
We're  we too happy for mortality the we needed pain to counter balance the universe?
It sounds so stupid, but it has crossed my mind often.

His husband hood is unique- ask those closest to us if you think I'm just saying that.
John is in pain he is but he is trying desperately to hold it together.

He misses his girl and yet he spends his time and energy trying to make ME feel better, make ME happy, make ME laugh.
Enter more self loathing if it is possible. How selfish can I be?
Yet, I can't help it - I am compelled to be miserable, and angry, and devastated.
It's who I am it seems.

Yesterday I did laugh.  It felt nice.

I don't know how he does what he does.  This morning I had a small glimpse of our "old life" he started serenading me while I was in the shower.
You are pretty much trapped when you are in the shower so there is no running away
no hiding from the potential happiness.
I stood there trying to be annoyed.

He started singing a boyz 2 men song called end of the road
Chances are you know this song

John has a great voice
one he does not like to share
He made it through the first verse in true John fashion... very intensely.
 His voice exaggerating each syllable and going completely overboard with his dancing and hand interpretations of the song.

John is very good at mockery- he did CDT (contemporary dance theater) spin offs while we were dating... all to make me laugh of course.  I must mention that although he was was singing like he was mocking boyz 2 men.  They are his number one group.  That era of music defines the man.
I think it is funny, but wouldn't change that about him.

Once he made it through the first verse I think my smiling and rolling my eyes encouraged him to continue. Part of his serenading always consists of random parts of the song he doesn't sing at all. He just says them in a really monotone voice like in the song when it says,
"It's unnatural, you belong to me.."
He will just stop the dancing, stop the singing and with a straight face say, "It's unnatural" slightly shaking his head.  Then he will pick back up. I don't know how his brain can prepare in advance which phrases will be the most funny said with no emotion what soever, but he does it.

Once the second verse started he started singing it the same as before but then suddenly switched his voice to bass.  If you have not heard him do this before it is heelarious.
I caved, I laughed... a lot.

He is possibly the funniest person I know
I don't think anyone will ever know besides me just how truly funny he is.
He comes up with stuff that to me seems so genius.

How does he do it?

This is also the way I feel about Mia.  Will anyone besides myself truly grasp how glorious she was? Truly?  She was the embodiment of adorable.  It haunts me every minute of every day.
I breathed in her glory everyday, now I'm expected to live without it?

When I finally caved in and laughed out loud he put his face where the two glass doors meet and said,
"You like me."

This was his response to my laughter because all I say to him all day every day is: