Oct 20, 2012

Everyones Worst Nightmare

I was trying to describe how I felt to someone yesterday.
I did not do a very good job.
When I got home I was reminded of an experience that feels a lot like my life.

Haunted Houses were never my thing.

When I went in high school I tried not to let on that I was terrified.  
The long line leading up to the entrance I had extreme anxiety.
Who scares themselves on purpose?  

Once in entered into the obstacle course of horror, my heart rate immediately shot up and I held my breathe. I was never ready for the people jumping out at you... screaming in your face, and just walking up to you with a crazed look in their eye.
I always had the same response to haunted houses.
Get in- don't pass out- GET OUT!

The easiest way for me to accomplish this was to simply close my eyes.
I knew I would see their scary faces while I was trying to sleep at night.
I often just linked up with my girl friend or whoever I was at the haunted house with
and took tiny steps with my head buried as far as it could be into my other arm.
I didn't want to see any of it, and if I couldn't see them, they couldn't scare me.
I kept them closed only opening a tiny bit now and again to look at my feet.

The anticipation of the chain saw guy at the end was always an indicator that it was over
I knew it was coming and knew I would be terrified, and I think they can sense who is the most scared
because they ALWAYS came after me with their ridiculously loud chain saw.

In my mind I had fallen down and they were standing over me chain saw in the air.
In reality my legs were running as fast as they could.

When I made it out of the temple of doom or whatever it was called I took in a huge breath 
and felt an overwhelming joy to be out of that fabricated horror movie.
It was all pretend
It wasn't real
I could go home now get in my bed and forget all about it.
I was safe. 

A few years back we went with our friends Annalisa and JD to a haunted house.
It seemed like a fun thing to do after a twelve year absence.

This one particular haunted house in Seattle had a section with
no people
no chainsaw
no fake blood stained faces
nothing jumping out at you...

It did have a dark passageway-

It was a tunnel made from some sort of parachute material with a forced air source on both sides of the passageway. It felt like being trapped between two hot hair balloons fully inflated.

I literally had to push my way through while enveloped by this material.  I was pushing on both sides of  the walls of fabric,  stretching my hands out to my sides, but that didn't help... the material just wrapped around them.  It was pitch black, I could not see anything in front of me or behind me.  At this point I was not holding John's hand and I tried to reach out in front of me for him because I was uneasy being in there. He wasn't there, no one was.  They must have made it through.  I started taking little steps reaching out in front of me hoping to run into another person.  I was cautious because I didn't want to be surprised at the end of the tunnel with a chainsaw or some crazy cast member.

I kept walking and I remember having the thought that people probably have panic attacks in there because if you don't put your hands in front of you there is just fabric to breath.  It suctions to you and you are compelled to just push through in hopes that you will step out with plenty of room to breathe.

I kept walking and eventually I made it through into a a glowing room
I was relieved it was over
I felt so vulnerable
Not in control of my path
Not knowing when it would end and what it was
What was waiting for me.

This is exactly what my life feels like right now.
I am suffocating with what I thought my life was, what it was going to be.
I am terrified of the future
I can barely breathe
I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack at various parts of my day
When will I step out of this?
I keep circling around and around not making any progress toward not feeling suffocated
I look around all day wondering how my life will ever be ok
It will not
I cannot see past this
The black is taking ahold of my soul
The anger is not subsiding
The uneasiness feels permanent.

Despite this section of the haunted house all of the other things did not scary me.
When the guy with a crazy look in his eye was standing one inch from me I just laughed.
Everything that rocked my world as a teenager was gone.
It was all funny and silly and nothing they did could possibly scared me.
I have experienced too much life to take them seriously.
It was comical
None of that could scare me

At that point in my life the only thing that could truly scare me...
that was my worst nightmare-
that is every one's worst nightmare-

Is losing one of my children.

I am living my very worst nightmare.

I have lost her
I am lost without her

Where is the chainsaw guy?
Where is the light of the moon to tell you that you are safe?
The inviting bed to rest in?
This nightmare is not pretend

It is painfully real
I can't imagine my life this way
It's too horrific.