Oct 19, 2012


The word "Grief" seems to me like a soft white cosy fluffy description of what I am feeling.  I would love to feel grief.  Grief seems like something you feel when the printer jams, or you burn the food you were cooking on the stove, or anything that would make you throw your hands in the air temporarily and say, "good grief!" to.  

I am experiencing grief yes, but what I am feeling feels like doom.  Like I have been sentenced to despair and unhappiness. There is a fog I can't seem to get through.  My heart and mind are trying to resolve this and it fails day after day.  It doesn't make any sense and it will never make any sense.  I have to live everyday wondering why.  One year, five years, ten years down the road I will still be living without my precious Mia.  I can't wrap my brain around it. I just can't.  Nothing adds up.  My state of mind reminds me of a toddler having a tantrum.  I just want her and I will be internally kicking and screaming for the rest of my life.  

Today the first bill from Florida came in the mail today.  So that is nice.  Great little reminder.
The bill is for her echo.  
I wish I could go back to that echo. 
I should have taken her to the hospital that treats transplant children and not allowed them to proceed with treating her.  I wish I could.  
Things might be different.  
They would have just treated the rejection with drugs and we would have been on our way.
Instead she went to the cath lab with her heart in rejection and exhausted and her tiny system couldn't handle the stress.  Not to mention that she was all loaded up on medication that she did not need.  
Why did I not insist they transfer her?  

I am so filled with regrets it is too much to bear.  
I should have taken her to cardiologists that take care of transplant kids.  
I should have.

I know it is not my fault and I can't blame myself
That knowledge does not help one bit
You can't just decide not to feel a certain way.

In my stomach I feel like I should have known to transfer her
I blindly trusted them, and her heart stopped.
It feels like my heart stops every time I think about her sitting there in the bed waiting to go to the cath lab.  I just wanted to treat her and take her to Disney World.  
I had no idea that things would transpire the way they did.  No idea!

I feel like this is the most horrible thing I have ever heard of-
and it's My LIFE! 

I am so angry so angry! and anger doesn't sit well with me. It simple doesn't suit me.
I am not OK with myself being so angry- it is uncomfortable and it's awful!

She is in a better place I know.  My beliefs about where she is have always been firm and the same as they were when I had all of my children. 
 I don't want anyone to question my faith that I know she is with a loving Father in Heaven. 
I know that for sure.  I just want to scream from the roof tops that this knowledge that I have, this firm belief DOES NOT TAKE AWAY ANY PAIN!
I want her in THIS life! I want her NOW! and I don't want to spend my life with a huge whole in it. 

I just can't sort it out on my brain as to why I must live in such misery everyday.  This is the plan for me?  To just miss her and want her and feel like I am going to throw up all the time thinking about my future.  I am on this earth to be a mom.  All I want to do is be a mom.  My greatest joy is being a mom- why is this taken from me?

Anything else... anything.  There is so much evil in the world and Mia was lovely and pure and honestly the sweetest thing that ever was.  It is just too much for me.  The number one phrase I get from everyone is: "I can't even imagine."  Neither can I!  I truly can't.  I keep waiting to wake up.  This can't be real- it just can't.  The pain is too horrible- horrible.  
The mental anguish and the stabs of pain in my heart is always there.  

I have had a few moments of clarity now and again... a few
Mostly I am sick. Like no turning back sick.
I miss her and want to hold her and truly do not want to carry on with normal life. 
My life will never be normal without her. 

Aaaaahhhhhhh!  I wish there was an opt out button
My life was so lovely and blessed and now it's day after day of feeling suffocated.
Have I mentioned that I am really really hoping the Mayans are right!?
Really truly! Wouldn't that be lovely? See my girlie in December   
Go Mayans 2012! 
I'm totally serious incase you think this is a joke.  

Please don't take this as a cry for help.  I am just a broken hearted mama desperate for her daughter and finds that "talking" it out helps ever so slightly.    

Despite feeling like mortality was the wrong choice in the pre existence there are some truly wonderful people on this earth.  I don't know when I will get around to responding to all of the words of comfort and sweet messages about my baby girl, but please know I appreciate them.  I am overwhelmed with the love and know how sincere the messages are.  It is touching. 

She is loved by so many and hearing of how she affected your lives for the better gives me moments of peace throughout my day.  Thank you. I want everyone to remember her and know what a darling girl she was.  WAS! I can't believe I had to type that word.  It's too much. It's all too much. 

I'm hoping for the sake of my children I can attempt to shake the sadness...at least while they are awake. I do love my children so much. Soo much!

Today Sammers came into my room and sweetly said, "mom, get off of the bed."
I'm sad that he said that.  I feel like I have nothing to give anyone... and never will.

Stupid. Everything