Oct 27, 2012

It feels like...

You know the surge of pain you feel for the 15 seconds after you 
misjudge your step and you jam your toes?

You hop around thinking
Aaaahhhhh!  I'm an idiot!
Why did I do that?
It hurts it hurts it hurts

Then you hold your breath followed by taking short breaths until the pain subsides a little.
I usually fall down and grab my toes and squeeze my foot to somehow connect to the pain.

Maybe if I hold my feet the blood will stop pulsating in my toes.  

The pain eventually goes away... 

This is how life without my Mia feels everyday.  
When my mind thinks of her darling little face and her  happy dancing, and happy screaming, and perfect personality, my mind immediately switches to how she was yanked away from me...

The anguish shoots to my heart and the toe stubbing cycle commences
There is nothing to hold on to 
No counting down until the pain is relieved a little
It just hurts constantly when I am awake
It's a pain that is taking up residency in my heart

If feels a lot like stubbing my toe because It was such a shock, completely unexpected. 
It is not the most painful thing, but you are never ready for it and it hurts like hell!
For those initial moments you think you might have actually removed some toes.
You look down to see your toes intact.

I feel like I look around and around all day long and find nothing intact.
Nothing in my life is intact.

I am not a stranger to "real" pain.  
I think the most physical pain I have ever been in was following my last heart surgery
A year into my college education I had my 3rd heart surgery. It is called the Ross.
I so vividly remember my mother who could only move me up in bed by putting all of her body weight against mine to lift me up. 

My back and chest hurt so badly from the operation
It was awful.
I was prepared for this pain... I knew it was coming and was part of the deal. 

If I didn't stay on top of my pain medicine, (which was often because I thought it was a measure of my strength) I was paralyzed because crying only made matters worse.
Any movement of my chest, at all, sent me into so much pain I wanted to pass out. 
Coughing and sneezing were out of the question-

I remember being brave and gritting my teeth and KNOWING that in a few weeks I would be back to my ambitious college self.  I was right.  I recovered quickly and was back doing my thing.  I will always have the memories of being a prisoner to that pain.  It seems so stupid to me now that I didn't just take the medicine- so stupid.  I had nothing to prove, I was the only one, who suffered because I continually explained my pain was far less that it actually was. I was trying to be tough and strong and enjoyed knowing how "impressive" it was that I didn't take that many pain relieving medications. 

What was I thinking?  I needed it. I did. 
Was that pain in preparation?

I doubt it!  
That pain was a walk in the park compared to this hellish nightmare.  Walk in the park. 

It feels like all of the heart surgeries in the world would not hold a flame to this pain.  Part of me has been taken away, and it's the part of me that produces the most pain. 
That is how I feel on a daily basis.  
No medication or time is going to heal this... despite what everyone keeps telling me. 
I am well aware of pain that resolves- this is not that pain.
It's unbearable. 
It's too much to ask of me- 
Just like the surprising toe stubbing pain, however this will not resolve it just keeps throbbing
I can't put pressure on my heart
There is no medication for this 
I just have to grit my teeth everyday and wonder what in the world I could have possibly done to warrant such an intense amount of pain everyday. 
What did I do?  It's as if the Lord knew the one thing that could truly destroy me.
That is where I'm at.  Destroyed!

She was mine.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away

I just need You!