Oct 28, 2012

Next to Normal

Have you seen the Broadway show Next to Normal?
It is a sad one.

It is about a family.
The entire time you are thinking that this mother just favors her son to her daughter and then it is revealed that her son actually only lived a short while, but she kept him alive in her brain.  

I have felt these last weeks that I am on the verge of insanity.  
Not the pull your hair out I'm going crazy insanity- well that too.  
I am talking about the true mental illness kind.  

I can see so clearly how quickly and easily someone could slip into a mental illness.
I know too much that even on my lowest moments of the day I can pull myself out of it.
I have studied the brain enough in college to know that what my brain is doing is "normal." 
It's not what I thought it would do with faced with this trial.
I thought I would be composed, and lovely, and full of light, and full of the spirit. 
Nope, I am the verge of craziness trial goer.

Where is the poise, and refinement?
Where is my Kathy Walther response to what has happened?
She is so gracious and beautiful despite losing her daughter and husband at the same time.
I am in Awe of her.  How does she do it?

When I look in the mirror I see a raging lunatic full of ugliness that wants to just disappear into the floorboards.  I don't think anyone could possibly handle the death of their child as awful as I am.
Is there some code?
An unspoken ability to understand?
What is the secret?
No one is telling me.  I get email after email about how someday I will feel "better."
I just ache every single minute of every day.
My poor kids and poor husband...  I've got nothing.
Just emptiness

"Give your self time" they tell me.
Meanwhile this ship is sinking.

What do I do?

The human brain is such a mystery as to why it works a certain way in certain people.
My brain although jaded and on an endless torture cycle...has saved me.

I don't know why my brain is this way
Why I can although tempted, resist the mental illness that is knocking on my door.
I am so glad I have my brain today. 

I do have a new understanding and love for those who have lost
and are continuing to suffer from a mental illness.
The denial can take hold and create an alternate reality.

My reality is awful, but the way I am feeling is "normal"
Although, it is not what I expected. 

Next to normal makes me cry
My life makes me cry
every stupid day.