Oct 21, 2012

Not Today

My blog is becoming my only outlet.
I will not be offended if you cannot read anymore.
I wouldn't want to read it-
It's too much for me and I'm the one typing.
I don't want to take others down with me...

My family went to church today
I helped get them ready then answered the call of my bed.
Sammers changed his mind at the last minute and stayed with me. 

I will not be going to church today
I refuse to sit there without my Mia

We have a tradition on Sundays
She always wanted me to trace her hand with a crayon onto a piece of paper.
Then she would trace mine.
We did this over and over

She also always took a trip to the restroom with Ells during every sacrament meeting.
Mia was programmed to go to the bathroom during sacrament. 
I loved watching her walk out hand in hand with her big sister with a big smile on her face.
People often commented to me what a sweet heart she was walking in and out of sacrament meeting.
She had the most angelic happy look on her face. 

I will not go and be tortured by how bad it hurts that she will not be tracing my hand.
I will not go and see all of the happy families sitting there with all their happiness and joy.
I will not sing hymns of praise and gratitude

I will not go sit in primary looking two rows in front of me where she always sat.  
Sweet as can be waiting for her turn to be a helper
Mia loved going to church- she was the perfect little sunbeam
She turned around often and waved, and looked at me with her flirty eyes.
She always looked to me after a song or anything she participated in
She looked for my approval and I always gave it to her.
Her eyes sparkled when she saw my expression.
I was always beaming with pride at every move she made.
I loved watching her sit there so precious and reverent and sweet.
I'm so glad I got to witness her as a sunbeam
She truly brings new meaning to the word sunbeam
She was the brightest light in this world

Oh how I miss her 
The anguish I feel knowing I will never again see her sitting there in her "chuuch dress."

She will not be there, so I will not be there. 

Not Today

Sammers and I decided to take a flower to "Meana"
We loaded up in the car and made the short drive to the cemetery.
Sammy said,
"let's go see Meana" the whole way there.

When we got there all of the flowers that were still vibrant a few days ago are now brown and wilting.
We walked around to the small sign with her picture on it.

Sammy said, "Where's Meana?"
I told him that Meana was in heaven.

Sammy: "No, Meana's at the hospital, she's taking a nap."
"Where's Meana?"
"Less go get her"

He walked around with the little flower in his hand for his big sis and asked me over and over again where his Meana was.

In that moment I wish we could just be done with this life.
His sweet little body walking around looking for his sis
It's not just me that can't handle this pain
Sammy wants to give the flower to his sis.
He can't find her.

I tried to tell him that she was in Heaven.

He just kept saying:

"Let's go find Meana."

I am not OK

Not Today