Oct 22, 2012

She's EVERYWHERE



Mia is Everywhere
I can't touch her

I hear her medicine alarm going off in the morning and at night
I start to ask John sometimes late in the evening if he gave her her night time meds- then I stop in my tracks remembering that there is no one to give medicine to.

4 year long routines cannot be eliminated overnight. 

A ball and umbrella she was playing with are still sitting in the corner of my room that she last touched.

All of the toys she was playing with in the tub

The Day before we left to go on her wish trip Mia and Sammers filled a plastic bin with crackers and cereal and took it into the backyard to go on a picnic.  They had the bin half full and I just thought it was adorable that they planned and executed their own picnic together.

The bin is still outside

Her clothes

Her bed

Her backpack still holds a paper from preschool

Her ride on princess toy is in the kitchen

I can see her class playing at the playground during recess through my kitchen window

Her strollers still have babies in them

Sammy pushes them around by himself now

All of her hair Pretties 

Her blankets

Her shoes

Her towels

She is everywhere

Her toy car is outside on the drive way-
 she decided a few weeks ago when i was painting the chairs that she would paint her car.  
It is still painted.

Sammy watches Bo-on the Go and Yo Gabba Gabba 
Mia loved those shows and sang all the songs.
I think she is in there with him and I go check and she is not

Her cups, bottles, toys she loved
are all here, I see them everyday.

I anticipate seeing her face the moment I wake up in the morning
When my eyes open a shot of awareness enters my being and despair courses through my veins signaling my brain of my daily torture. The thought of her little face not greeting me punctures my heart and any rest or escape from the hours of sleep is gone.

Sadness settles in every morning
It's like groundhogs day from Hell

That little girl was my heart
The most precious thing with what I always believed would be a life long purpose here.
4 years is not enough


She is Everywhere
but I can't touch her