Oct 29, 2012

The new Mimi

I feel like When my baby girl went to Heaven the old Mimi left with her.

My friend Rebecca, who knows me well, posted this on her blog.
She is that person in my life who was heading to a concert in Seattle then got the word about Mia and went straight to the airport to fly to Florida.  The blog I am about to write makes me sad
for her.  and me.

I read this recently when it was re posted.  My mind searched to find a part of this description that felt right.  None of it feels right.  The person she describes doesn't exist. 

There is a new Mimi that does not resemble this one. at all.

This is her post:

 I just wanted to share because I admire her and I think a lot of people do...here are my thoughts on "Being Mimi". Feel free to add your own thoughts.

So I know our friendship isn't over, but I have been trying to figure out what is different about m
y friendship with Mimi that makes me so affected by her departure. I have been crying like someone has died for over 24 hours (obviously not continuously, but we are talking about hours of accumulation in the past day). I have loved other friends who have moved far away, and yet nothing like this. I think I've come up with a few reasons why Mimi is so special to me.

1. Mimi doesn't acknowledge my faults. I have many, many, many faults...and they are really noticeable when I am around Mimi, but she never seems to dwell on them. I could make lists right now of the things that the people closest to me wish they could change about me...but I can't think of anything that Mimi thinks is annoying. AMAZING! I recognize that there are things that bother her, but she must trust me to find them on my own. I love this about her! I have never even apologized to her for talking too much...and I apologize to the grocery checker for that!

2. Mimi changed me forever in 2006 when she assured me that I could "do no wrong" in her book. I think I had done something that I believed she may have been hurt by, so I called her to apologize, and she was like, "we are waaaaaaayyy past that, you don't have to worry about offending me, I know you!" I don't know if I have ever had someone put that kind of blanket confidence in me before, I'm not sure I really understood what she even meant. I do now. Mimi knows me, she knows that I don't want to hurt her, so she always gives me the benefit of the doubt. If something flies that shouldn't, she has already written it off. Does this sound relieving to anyone but me? This was like an exhale moment for me, because I'm a big pleaser, and I always analyze my behavior after a social gathering and then I start to wonder if this or that that I said or did was taken the wrong way, etc. I had exempt status with her, and learned how it felt and I've tried to extend that amnesty to other friends in my life. I know that much of this ability she has stems from her own stand alone, no- matter-what love for herself.

3. Mimi loves herself. She is so easy to be around, because she doesn't seek compliments, self deprecate, focus on her looks, apologize for every move she makes, etc. She just happily likes who she is. She isn't conceited, just content with herself. I really like myself too, and so being around her, I never felt I needed to play small, hide my success or deflect a compliment to make someone else feel better. This is a gift she possesses.

4. Mimi is limitless. Does that sound super cheesy? Well, that is because you don't know any limitless people. I only know of one. Her. When Mimi was growing up and someone told her the old, "you can do anything you set your mind to" cliche, she took it to heart and makes that a reality every day. A small example is that Mimi doesn't have to show her YMCA card at the side entrance of our YMCA! Let me fill unfamiliar guests in that the side entrance might as be for the President of the United States, because with out the right cred, you are not getting in...unless you are Mimi! Basically, when she hears someone talk about something that is limiting them, she is surprised that they are allowing the limitation to limit them. She is limitless, and I have had some limitless moments on her coat tails, and it's pretty awesome.

5. Mimi is there for her people all the time, around the clock, no matter what, and she will never let you know how inconvenient your needing her is. Mimi could have been up all night with food poisoning and had three kids wet beds and if I called her to babysit for me all day, she'd simply say, "Sure, what time?" This is really hard for me to do. It is so nice to have this offered to me, that I am trying to remember this when people need me, but I'm not sure I am unconsciously succeeding yet.

Mimi, there are so many amazing things about you! I love that you make nice dinners for your family, that you go couponing like a crazy lady, that you love Utah, that you say, "about it" at the end of lots of sentences when it doesn't make sense. I am going to miss the last minute text about running to Target and that turning into a leisurely shopping trip followed by shenanigans at one of our houses. I will miss your kids, I'll miss your JB and playing pictionary with you guys even though we never win. I will miss my kids playing with your kids, I'll miss you on the Elma trip this weekend, I'll miss Zumba with you and by you and I'll miss your kids knowing who I am when I walk in the door. I'll miss your laundry room entrances and your reclining couches. I'll miss the thug JB makes you and the ease of never having to explain my grumpy husband to you. I will miss your in-law family at all the random gatherings and the perpetual gatherings at your house because Chris can't hang with the threat of kids making messes. I'll miss being uncensored me, myself and I. I will miss the four of us laughing every time we get together about the same RB legend and other related stories. I'll miss being around you and John because your playful dynamic is super enjoyable to witness and for sure know that I can't ever compare down to you. I'll miss being your event photographer, and working with you and learning together. I'll miss Mia flirting with Chris and calling me, "Becca." I'll miss lemonade stands, garage sales, backyard marshmallow roasting and the babysitting shuffles that end with you doing all the driving of my sitter for me. I'll miss debriefing awkward situations that we both witness after the fact and having someone with a van that sometimes even rivals mine in nastiness.

That person was me -
How could I possibly be that person anymore?  
That person is gone. 
The good is gone.
The happy is gone. 
This is not a "moment" I am having- she is GONE!

A few nights back I was visiting with some of my high school friends about how I feel like a stranger to my myself.  I look like Mimi, and I have the same voice, but there is a gaping hole in my life that eroded away the best part of me.  Leaving only an existence that is foreign, that doesn't belong here.  

I think about myself... my life, and want to throw up. all the time!
I am tethered to the toilette with how my life is taking a turn. 
#3 could not be further from the truth.  I don't think my "content with herself"ability will return.
How could I possibly be content with myself again? 
The ease of knowing exactly who I am left when Mia did. 
 I feel like this blog (the one I'm writing) is proof that I am failing. 

The sun never sets on my day... It NEVER sets 
It's one continuous round of everything depicted in my friends words with the exception of it being the exact opposite.   I will forever be limited and incapable of truly being happy without Mia. It is entirely impossible for me to be that person again.
So trusting, happy, and able to feel true joy?

The new Mimi is cynical and distrusting and disturbed! 
This is not what Mia would want- I know, I know...
It's not what I want either- It just IS.