Oct 31, 2012

When I'm awake


We left Mia at a gas station.  We didn't realize it until we got to the next town on our way somewhere going south.  When I realized the mistake I immediately stopped at a bank to get the phone number for the police department of the town we had left her in.  When I got on the phone they confirmed that they had her.  We immediately turned around and headed back to get Mia.  I was panicked.  Once we got there we were greeted by somebody and then Mia came running to me.  I was so relieved.  She was in my arms. I could not believe that something like this could have ever happened to me.  How in the world could I have left her at a gas station?  That is impossible.  Once she was in my arms I thought we were good to go.  Maybe I would have to sign a paper or two, but we would be on our way.  Not the case.  A group of people came out of what looks like a conference room to inform me that I was able to be with Mia as long as I wanted to stay at the facility.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I had to stay there?  We were leaving, on our way somewhere fun.  I annoyingly asked how long we must stay and be supervised.  They informed me that it might be a couple days to weeks.  WHAT? Can they do this?  They tried to explain that because she was left somewhere she can't be released unless they know I am a suitable parent.  I felt sick.  I had no idea how I left her at a gas station, but I knew I loved her and have spent most of each day ensuring her well-being   The letters started flowing in about how much I love Mia and am the best mother for her.  The front desk lady could not believe the amount of petitions written to let Mia come home with me.  Everyone but some head honcho guy knew I would take good care of her.  I just held onto her and kept kissing her hair in disbelief that someone somewhere didn't want us to be together. Why would he want that?  Why?

Then I woke up.

This is how my dreams go lately.  I wake up feeling exhausted, frustrated, and broken hearted just to realize that the nightmare I was having was actually way better than what my reality on this side of consciousness entails.  At least in my awful dreams Mia was still with me, still an option.  Why must I be tormented all day long just to fall asleep and be tormented all over.  There is only so much heartache I can handle in an extended period of time.  I felt so much happy in my dream when I found her.  I can remember the feeling of being reunited.  It was so wonderful.  It wasn't real.

I feel like I am having a standoff with my life.  I refuse to live it.  I'm not going to give in.  There is no point and I refuse to acknowledge the point of life with out Mia.  I wont do it.

Today is Halloween. The first holiday without my girl.  She loved Halloween. Loved it.  Last year she was strawberry shortcake and wore her costume for days and days after Halloween.  This year she was supposed to be Minnie Mouse.  Her little face lights up when she is anticipating anything.  I can see her expression clear as day... her eye browns nearly disappear into her hair line with excitement and she swings her body side to side sometimes jumping up and down. Then the happy screaming.  Mia's happy scream... I need it.    

I just can't stand the thought of going trick or treating with out her.  She made everything fun.  Watching Mia was the highlight of every holiday.   It makes me ill that she is not here.  It makes me ill that I have to suffer through all of the holidays and pretend to be present for the sake of my other kids.  I am so disconnected from my previous life. There is no way to go back.

Is mortality supposed to hurt this much?  Is this the plan?  Anguish every single minute of every stupid day? What is the point? Why live? Why love? Why? Is this where it leads? Despair and torture? Thanks, but no thanks!

I am so angry- more than that... I am enraged.  My daughter is gone.  Everything I have felt my entirely life, all of the love I have always felt from my Father in Heaven feels like it was all taken away.  I feel no love.  I am so angry at him for doing this.  From how I feel I don't think he is the biggest fan of me either.  Why am I being punished so horrendously?  What did I do?  Was I that awful?  This lesson? This one?  really?  What did I do?  What did I do?  

I am here to be a mom!! Why can't I just keep my kids?  Why!?!  It is so mean.  SO mean.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  

Can we fast forward to the end?  I'm over it.  Completely over it.  I just have to be sad for the rest of my life?  forget Joy and Happiness?  It's just too mean.  too mean. 

All I want is to take my peanut trick or treating, and to snuggle with her, and walk her to preschool, and listen to her silly jokes, and convince her to take bites.  The only thing I can do is sit here in my bed.  sob.  sometimes write down my feelings. then sob some more.  

I just wish I could sleep through it all... When I'm awake I can't breathe.  When I'm awake I ache for her to be in my arms. When I'm awake the sting of her not being here never lets up.  When I'm awake I just want to go back to sleep... at least in my dreams she is there.