Nov 27, 2012

A post from pre - Florida

I keep referring to my life of happiness and bliss as "pre Florida."  I have a few blogs that I never finished from back before we went to Florida.

I am not sure if I will post them all, but I just posted THIS one, and I will for sure post the blog about Jensen's party.

When I look back on these forgotten blogs my heart feels heavy and I see her in the photos having so much fun and I can't handle my reality that she won't be in future family activities... she won't be in the tent with us again.  I just can't handle that!

The camping post is only half done.  The part I did write makes me feel foolish... like I need to wipe that little smirk off my face in my family picture.  I feel like screaming at my "pre florida" face... wipe it off!! your life is about to be MESSED UP! Drastically altered. Quit it with your happy smiling face... Gah!

I sat and stared at the next picture that needed a "caption" if you will.  I like to explain what happened/the story behind the picture, but I just can't do it.  I can't finish the blog.  Perhaps someday John can finish it for me, or maybe someone who was there. There is definitely some stories to be told...

Many of the pictures should have an explanation, and all the memories attached, but all I think of is pain and suffering.  I just can't type anything about back when we were whole. I can't even explain the title of the blog.  It was a neat camp out, and Mia had the time of her life.  I wish I would have written about the entire thing.  She was such a darling little Rapunzel. It is so much more enjoyable to read blogs from my "happiness and bliss" years that the constant flow of sadness that has been published as of late.

It's as if out of no where everything I write is a deep shade of gray with no trace of any vibrant colors.  It is the exact opposite from a few months ago.  I want so desperately to go back.  Why can't I go back?  People keep telling me that I'm "growing" and other such encouragement, but I by no means feel like I have any "experience" or "growth" under my belt.  If anything I have regressed as a person, as a mother, and basically in all facets of my life. If this is what I have to offer... well that is just sad. Bleh!

Anyway,  

Thank you for the kind messages about me being snarkity snarky. It's nice to know that many of you have faith in me!  I really enjoyed some of your snarky comments about Christmas!
You know what they say... snarkiness loves company. :-)