Nov 17, 2012

Extra dose of sadness

When Ellie was a baby we used to think something was wrong with her pain receptors.  I remember one specific incident where Jensen toddler walked over to her and smacked in the face with a toy.  She just kicked her legs, smiled, and moved her head back and forth like she was a little surprised   She did not even grimace. No crying... just smiling.  We always joked that she doesn't feel pain.  Physical pain that is.  

Last night we were sitting in the kitchen together.  She was telling me about a friend who had a bunch of cool American Girl dolls and then something about that friend who had another friend who had a whole closet converted into an American Girl house or something.  Ellie likes to look at the catalog but I have never ordered anything from it.  Our version of America Girl dolls are the 18 inch dolls from JoAnn's fabric store.  Sometime this last year some one informed her that the American girl dolls hair is softer... so she is on that kick lately.

She pulled a catalog of American Girl dolls out of the junk drawer and set it on the table.  She sat there and stared at it.  I walked over to the fridge to fill up my glass with water.  When I turned around she lunged into me crying.  She wrapped her arms around me and just sobbed.  Then she made out the words... "It is too hard to be here without Mia."

My heart immediately began to crumble and I had a long heart to heart with Ellie.  She kept telling me how she just wants to talk with her and play with her.  She is in so much pain and I am helpless. I just want to give Mia back to her.  To have something so precious taken from her is eating me alive.

After we talked and cried together for awhile I walked back to the table.  Then I saw it.  The cover of the catalog pictured two little girls... possibly sisters.  They each had their dolls and were laughing while looking at each other.  Seeing the models having fun with their dolls is what triggered Ellie's immediate dash into the kitchen followed by endless tears.

She is so sad.  I am so sad. She told me that she wants to play with her and that she needs her sister back.  I feel like I show up empty handed day after day with nothing to offer her. I can't fix this and I just keep telling her to pray.  I don't know what else to do. When we were all done talking she informed me, "mom, it's ok for you to cry when you want to."  I really appreciate her saying that because I feel like when I burst into tears throughout the day I am usually in a different room or have my back turned.  I have almost mastered the art of silent sobbing when my kids are around.

Yesterday Sammers must have known I was crying because he ran to me and in his loud Sammers voice said: "What's da matter mom?!  You have a owie?"  I said, "Yeah, I do."  My face was buried in my hands so he assumed the owie was on my cheeck.  He said, "I kiss it bettow."  He then gave me a big kiss on the cheek and said, "All bettow mom... you all bettow now?"  I told him I was.  Sammers is my little dose of medicine throughout the day.  He is a little talker and just says the funniest things all day long.  Last night while I was making dinner he kept saying, "I wanna be you chef!"  He likes to sit and help me cook and calls it "YOU CHEF!"  While we are cooking I told him, "Sammers you are too much."  He has been telling me, "Mom, you too much mom!"  All day today.  It makes me smile every single time.  My little boy is such a charmer and at the age of two somehow knows exactly what to say to brighten my day.

Back to my point....

Today I am wondering if I was born, or somehow developed, or suffer from a heightened awareness of grief.  An Extra dose of mourning or sadness... to offset the physical pain.  My head, my heart, my existence feels so hurt...It hurts so much it just feels impossible to continue on with the rigamarole of life.  I don't want to do homework, and flashcards, and cook, and clean, and put away laundry.  Everything that was just a part of life before, has no purpose or Joy.  I am being held together solely by the love I have for my family and the hope that someday somehow I will be in a better place.  For every moment I am OK throughout out the day, there is an opposing emotion of anger, sadness, and a intense feeling of defeat.  Both Ellie and I are pretty "tough" and don't feel a lot of physical pain, and I can't help but wonder if we both got an extra scoop of the pain associated with sadness.

We sat in bed together for a half an hour looking at the catalog.  She pointed out every single thing on every single page.  There are an awful lot of accouterments associated with American girl dolls, that is for sure.  I enjoyed listening to her and tried to get excited when she did as she gave me a tour through the catalog.

She has decided she wants a bunk bed (like Mia's) for Christmas.  I might be buying a doll bunk bed for the girl who is clinging to everything she can that reminds her of her sister.  

Today I just want her.  Every minute of every day... I just want her.  I want her for John, for Jense, for Ells, for Sammers, and for me.  Sometimes I can almost hear her playing downstairs in the toy room with the kids.  All of the sounds are the same, and sometimes it feels like she is here.  Oh if I could just see her face...