Nov 2, 2012

Fight or Flight

They say we are all reprogrammed with a fight or flight response when something shocks our system. Fight or flight?  My entire life I have been in fight mode.  Fight Fight Fight! Fight for what is right! Fight for freedom! Fight for happiness  Fight for a germ free environment for Mia! Fight for a happy life for my kids. I am a fighter.  My natural response has always been to fight.  I was fighting all of those days in the hospital.  I knew that she would be fine.  She is a fighter... I am a fighter.  Fight Fight Fight!

Even when the neurologist with his little bag of tools and old man glasses walked in the room to deliver the news I was still fighting.  Fighting with everything in me.  I thought to myself, he has good news!  I know what is going to come out of his mouth is going to give me hope.  After he delivered the news I thought he must be wrong.  He had to be wrong.  Can I just rewind 10 seconds and pretend he didn't say that?  Pretend he is not here, that we aren't here? That this isn't happening?  10 seconds, that's all I need for him to change his mind and give me a glimmer of hope.  The words flowed too freely from his mouth. I wonder how many parents he has had to say those very words to... is it just another day on the job?  It is my entire existence he shattered with one simply stated sentence. Shocked to the point of nerve damage.  

She was just here and was fine.  It's difficult to describe the moments following that meeting with the doctors.  It is as if a switched that was in a permanent on position was flicked with the slightest effort and the noise it made when it turned off was like the power grid going off.  BEOWE! Lights OUT!

With the death of Mia my life has changed from one marching band loud fight song to a life with no choice but to take flight.  I just don't have any fight left in me left.  It is gone.  I am worn down, and feel battered to the point of not getting back up.  I fought so hard for her, for years.  Fighting kept me alive.  My body is here, but that is all.  It's an ugly ugly place... taking flight.

Fight or Flight?

It can change with 3 words.