Nov 1, 2012

From the toe nails up


My sis flew in to be with me this past week

It was nice to have her here, even though we didn't do anything.
We logged a lot of time just doing nothing.
I kept my bed well occupied and she tried just keeping me company.

I painted my toe nails today because they are on the verge of falling off and they were "grossing" someone out.  I damaged them to the point of no return while hiking the narrows and they are almost ready to come right off. I showed her how my toe nails lift right off my nail beds- it is gross I admit. I painted them bright blue, and you can't see the bruises underneath. 

She told me I was "dying from the toe nails up" a few times during her stay.
I found this quite fitting and an accurate description of how my life is right now.
I am dying from the toe nails up.

My toe nails will probably take a year to grow back.  How long will it take for me to not feel like my life has no purpose?  Will my nails come back before my desire to get out of bed will?  


Another example she gave to me concerning my state of being is one that took me a minute to recall what she was referring to.  Then I remembered.


She told me she feels like I am giving into the swamps of sadness. 
In case you haven't seen the film The Never ending Story

Here is the clip.

I am the horse- she/everyone is Atreyu

I think she is spot on.  
Stupid Swamps of Sadness!
I didn't know what true sadness was... now it so exquisite in my brain.

I am so so so sad. SO sad

Mia made everything special.
she made me special.

Is it possible to escape the swamps of sadness once they have taken hold?

So many of you dear and wonderful people are trying and trying to keep me from the swamps.  The kind emails, texts, packages, cards, and gifts on my doorstep I receive everyday are so thoughtful.  Thank you.  I wish I could respond to your messages of love with something encouraging for you. I really do.  I truly appreciate your rescue efforts and someday will be posting about all of the wonderful things everyone is doing for our family.  So many of you care and it does not go unnoticed, I am just too sad to respond right now.


I think I just need to drowned in the swamps of sadness for awhile.
If I ever get out of the swamps I will reply to every last email.
Thank you for caring.