Nov 16, 2012

I am unrecognizable

I saw the drill team today.  The cutest high school girls known to man.  They made me smile when I walked in the door.  The are happy... the way they should be. Beautiful on the inside and out.  I feel like I don't belong with all of the ugliness I feel in my heart.  I don't know how to interact with them.  A few weeks ago you could throw me in any age combo of teenage girls and I would be right at home.  Now I just feel lost and out of place... like I've had a dump truck full of a heavy substance permanently adhered to my body and my personality.  I smile and try not to alarm them with my sudden change in disposition.  My heart longs to be the Mimi they know... she is just not there... or is buried so deep that it will take a lifetime for her to surface.  Sam was watching the Incredibles the other day.  In that movie there is a part when Mr. incredible is sneaking to the main server housing information on all the "supers."  Suddenly his homing device is activated and he begins to run.  He is immediately taken down with large black inflatable weighted balls... if you've seen the movie you will know the scene I am talking about.  I live with those large sticky black gobs that render me incapable of moving forward at all.  I am stuck firmly to the ground and cannot progress.  Before Florida I was truly happy, and could easily laugh about every and anything with these girls.  Now, exists a small patch of common ground.  It is there, but I am stuck in between these massive objects keeping me down and I can't access it.   I am old, I feel like a granny on the inside, light years away from when I felt that young and carefree.  They are young, and I feel like I age them every minute I'm in their presence. It was so fun for me... for Ells, and for Mia to be around these girls.  Mia loved them, and they showered her with love and attention.  She loved the "wattspettes" and I loved watching her around them.  It's difficult to go back to things that made me so happy that involved my girlie.

I sat and watched them interacting, their eyes so eager and innocent.  So happy and full of life.  I couldn't help but wonder if any of these girls would have their hearts torn from their chest the way mine has been.  What an awful thing to wonder!?  Yes, they will all have their own trials, but this is by far the worst trial I have experienced.  I don't want any of them to feel the way I do.  It must not happen to any of them.  It will ruin them... and they are too fragile.  I am too fragile!
They are beautiful and inspiring and have their whole lives ahead of them.
Mostly innocent to the pain you subject yourself to when you decide to be a mother.
I never thought of mother hood as a risk before... now I do.
It is a risk you take... never thinking for one second about how you would manage without one of your kids.  No body thinks like that!  Not even mothers' who's precious baby was gifted her life by another baby.  Not even that mommy.  I never imagined my life without Mia.  I was grateful for every single day, but I had so much faith that she would outlive me.  As it should be.  It's hard when something I believed so strongly blew up in my face in the matter of a few days.  Now I am left trying to pull the shrapnel from myself.  Not to mention all of the injuries to my other little people that desperately need her.  I am scrambling to pick up pieces of broken hearts, and I can barely breathe most of the day.  That is why walking into a room full of girls when I look like myself, but I am suffering so much on the inside is so difficult.  I want to be the person they know.  I want to help them!  I want them to do great in all of their dances... I do.  I just have to try and create a small air hole from the massive black tarish looking glue that holds me stagnant.

Growing up my dance instructor lost her son.  I still remember being at a recital and crying when they dedicated a performance to him.  The song was wind beneath my wings.  That has stayed with me.  How in the world did I remember that?  She was always so classy, and as I danced for her on the drill team in high school, I thought about her life without her son from time to time.  She was so good at what she did.  I was young, but I don't recall her not functioning or giving up on her life.  She stayed the course. She showed up, she was there for us.  How did she do it?  She told me recently that she the sadness never goes away.  It will be with me my entire life.  I look at her life and all she has done and am amazed.  I am sure glad she did get out of bed to coach us, and I hope to channel some of her courage and continue to do drill team.  I love these girls... so so much.  It's so difficult to feel much of anything right now besides, well the previous 30 posts on this blog.

I can't believe that I am the one... not that she looked out at all of us wondering if one of us would be going through the same hell she did, but it is me.  I am the one.

Where happiness and gratitude once lived in my heart
now remains a sea of ugliness and pain.  

I am here, but it hurts so much that I am unrecognizable.