Nov 11, 2012

I want to know WHY!

Today I just want to know why!
Why is this happening?  
I miss her so much. 

I keep living THIS movie scene over and over.
Great film... great actors.
She is acting, but these are my thoughts on a daily hourly basis.  
I too just want to hit something.
Not a person, but something.
Julia Roberts is still alive!  You always leave a movie knowing it was pretend.
Living my life without Mia is painfully real, and my thoughts are depressing and hopeless.
When can the credits roll and I go back to a life of feeling at one, at peace?
I always feel like something is missing, something is off, something is wrong
because it is!!

How long can my brain go on like this?
Will it eventually succumb to it's constant state of searching for stability?
Even if I do have a moment of feeling normal, it is quickly shattered when I dont' see her in the rear view mirror, or she doesn't come prancing around the corner.  It is just too difficult without her here.  I am told on a daily basis,  "I just can't even imagine what you're going through."
NEITHER CAN I!! I can't imagine it for the life of me.
That is what is so difficult, I can't imagine it, but yet here I am in the throws of something awful and not imaginary in the least.  Sometimes you mentally prepare yourself for what would happen if someone close to you died (living will stuff).  I don't think the human brain has the capacity to imagine it.  It's like trying to have someone visualize something ridiculous like not breathing for the rest of their lives.  It is just too ridiculous to comprehend.  That is my life.

I have some pretty amazing friends that know me well.  A few weeks ago a friend sent me an inflatable Nacho Libre to punch.  Sammy loves to wrestle it, but then claims to be afraid of it and puts it in the corner.  Another good friend of mine sent me some Florida plates.  I wonder if she had remembered me telling her that when we were waiting for Mia's heart I just wanted to throw plates... lots and lots of plates. She sent the plates a long with a hammer.   Some friends just know what is needed- or they are gathering intel from the amounts of anger expressed on this blog.  I try not to be angry, but it is fleeting.  The anger is always available and readily expressed to anyone who wants to listen.  I just feel robbed.  A continual robbery with no hope of ever getting back my treasures in this life time.  Thank you ladies for wanting to help me remedy all of this anger.    

I am able finally to keep my hysteria a little under wraps.  Every time I go into her room I have a break down... a grand scale melt down.  I have sobbing sessions but they do not last hours.
Tonight Jensen said, "mom, I don't see you cry any more."  I told him that I am trying not to cry so he doesn't have to worry, but that I still cry a lot.  He sweetly said, "mom, I cry too, and why is it so hard to live without Mia?"  I told him, it is so hard because we loved her so much!  He agreed and then he just looked at me for a long time.  He is such a sweet boy.  Then he asked me if I wanted to hear a joke that a kid in his class told him.  I agreed of course.  The joke was about toilette seats and was not funny at all, but the delivery and then the silence when the joke was over made me laugh for a solid five minutes.  He'd finished the joke and I was waiting for the punch line when his cute face just looked back at me with his anticipating eyes.  Watching him wait for my reaction was all I needed to appease his desired response.  I am enamored with my son.  He is such a good kid, and I don't want him to feel any more sadness and pain EVER!  This is too much for him to shoulder.  The kids are signed up for grief counseling so I am hoping they can work through some things with their  new counselor.  

How can a mommy be so angry to the point of wanting to take a sledge hammer to the wall, and love her toilette joke telling son all in the space of an hour? The ups and downs are exhausting!

I suppose there is room for both.

I would like to rid myself of some of the anger, but then it seems as if I am giving in.  That I am OK with what has happened.  I am certainly not that!  It's as if I must hold onto the anger because that is what fuels my missing her so much.  If I stop being angry and start to accept what has happened then it is moving towards not being so upset.  I am not ready for that.
I will protest for now because it is what I feel needs to happen.

I am not OK with any of this.  I might be someday, but that day does not feel close by.

I just want to know WHY!!!
WHY did this happen!?!
To such a beautiful little girl who had her whole life ahead of her!!?