Nov 13, 2012

I would love to

Today we were supposed to get on a plane to Oregon.  Mia, John, and myself.  I would love to be on that plane with my man and my little girlie.

I got this reminder email yesterday:

Dear, Mimi, John, and Mia McDonald... It's time for your flight.  Time to throw salt in the wound is more like it.

You can probably guess how it feels to get this reminder email about the flights.  I can't help but think about how my life could be so drastically different if I still had my girl.  We would be flying to Oregon... happily... probably watching Bo on the Go on the ipad.  I had my speech all prepared to deliver at the lifesavers breakfast.  Mia was part of the speech.  She was going to tell a story... her version of the three little pigs.  We had such a beautiful message to share together, and now I am left to share the message without her.  Reading the speech I wrote makes me ill.  It talks a lot about all of these things I am so grateful she can do. Also, despite living with a transplanted heart she lives a full live and does everything other 4 year olds her age can do.  A true blue modern day miracle.  One example that is in the speech is about how I do not take anything for granted.  I used the example of how keenly aware I was of her first "drop off" play date.  A few months back I dropped her off at a friends house and she walked up to the door all my herself and knocked at the door.  She looked back at me with her shoulders slightly hunched over and the happiest little grin on her face.  Once they opened the door she waved wildly back at me, and went inside the house.  That was the only time I ever "dropped" her off and let her walk to the door while I watched from the car.  She was so proud, and so happy to be going to Aida's house all by herself.  I can see the look on her face so clearly and I feel crippling sadness that I won't see that little face smiling back at me on her porch again. I sat there in the car knowing full well how special that moment was.  I watched her happiness and felt such immense joy to see her so happy.  Reading the speech now makes me feel stupid.  I was so happy... and full of so many lovely things to say.  How does it just go!?  Just like that!?  NO WARNING!?  I love her so much and I truly, honestly am on the verge of insanity every single day.  I miss her and need her little body... her little voice to talk to me.  

I just want to be in Oregon with my people.  We were meeting up with friends who were going to come support us and stay in Oregon with us.  I was so looking forward to this.  So much.  Rebecca and Jen, we were going to have so much fun together.  One little girl and six of her adoring fans hanging out together.  I thought about it often...I have been planning these two days in Oregon for almost a year.  Now I am here sitting in my bed while Sammers is sleeping, typing this up.  This was going to be my first public speech with Mia by my side.  Why? It feels like such a wonderful thing to do?  I have been preparing for so long!  I don't get it.  YANKED!  I feel like my life has been yanked away and I am looking around astonished at what has happened and can't make sense of any of it!  Just let me go to do this... please.  Why am I here sitting in my bed when such a wonderful event is going to take place and we are not there!?

She would have been so darling telling her story and singing her song, I am like a star shinning brightly.  She shines so bright! Why can't I just hold my girl and listen to her sing the song and demonstrate what wonderful thing organ donation is?  I just feel like this is a lifetime platform of mine, and my little girl who would be the best spokesperson ever is not here.  Someone tell me why!? please.  She had so much to do here... I had so many big plans for her.  Now, once again... here I sit in my bed.

We did present to the nursing program at Westminster back in March.  After seeing Mia run around and and ham it up like she did, a few of the students came up to us afterwards and said,  "I get it!"  So many people don't think about it before they are forced to think about it seeing her so happy and healthy and flirty with everyone they understand how beneficial it is. They now see what could have never been.  

It just hurts.  All of it.  All of this!

I have something planned for the day so hopefully I will be distracted by the fact that I am not on a plane with my girlie.

She would have been so sweet and precious!  Truly.  I just feel like I can't be trusted in public, and I didn't want to get up there and cry for a solid 20 minutes so they found someone else to do it.  It makes me sad that I am not there... so sad... too sad. The message was one of such happiness and hope.

Now look at me!  BLAH!  Is this seriously the plan for me?  To constantly feel disappointed in my life?  Disappointed because I will forever fall short of this idea I had of myself... of my life that will never transpire now?  I can never feel whole again?... how can I?  How can I proceed feeling the way I do with all of my past hopes and dreams for myself?

Well, I am off to hopefully be sufficiently distracted that I can make it through part of my day without feeling helpless and picked on.