When I thought about getting extra croutons out just because I know she would want more it HIT ME! A wave of devastation came over me when my brain was informed by a previous known fact that she will not be eating this meal with us. She will not be eating it. She will not be eating these croutons, or this lettuce. She will not be eating it! I do not get to hear her say the prayer, or say "please pass" or say "watch this mom" as she takes a big bite. I dropped the salad tongs and wept and wept and thought about how if I threw the big bowl of salad at the sliding glass door would it shatter? If it shatters would John clean it up? Then what would the kids eat? Who cares, I'm throwing the stupid salad. I had a moment of really wanting to throw the heavy bowl of salad so badly. I HATE SALAD NOW! My brain keeps playing tricks on me... like with thinking she would be eating dinner with us. A fraction of a second my life feels normal throughout the day, but it always lands on complete and utter desolation of happiness. She will not be at the table. She won't. Do I set a place for her? Does that make me crazy? I just can't fathom a life without her.
I just wish we could be done. I've had enough mortality without my girl. Can't we call it a day and be together again? Families are forever so let's get that going. What a day of rejoicing that will be. The second coming has a brand new appeal. I'm ready... so so so so ready! I might need to attend church after not going for 3 weeks, but I know I will eventually go back through those church doors. It's where I belong. I just need a minute. or 80. I believe too much not to, I am just... I don't even know. Hating it. That's it! Hating my life right now... all of my life. Of the hundreds of emails I have received I have probably only read about 50 of them. One darling woman that lost a child emailed me. I have had quite a few emails from mothers who have had their children go to Heaven. I do not feel alone, and have gathered strength from each of them. It seems these mothers are unique. I can't put my finger on it, but they know stuff. The other night I received an email and for the first time I laughed out loud at what this woman had to say. I know my blogs are intense... I am usually sobbing them as I type. My husband tells me of all the typo's days later and I just give him the bird... not really. I am usually sobbing and my fingers do the talking. I have a 2 year old so I have to get out of bed, and he is the best medicine I have. I am extremely sad pretty much all day everyday, but this email made me laugh and she does have a very good point. It was a long, informative, and lovely email, but I will only share the end. After a second read through I realized she is quoting Elder Holland. I missed that the first go around, but it made me laugh. He said:
The first rule of seamanship is when there's a storm you stay in the boat. You may need to hunker down at the bottom of the ship with the oars pulled in over you but you stay in the ship, don't even consider jumping ship. When you have storms in your life you've never needed the church more, DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE. Where would you go?....the rotary club?....the gardening club? You stay with the truth, prove there's divinity in you.
When I read, "Where would you go?... the rotary club?" I stubbornly thought in my head. Yes! Perhaps I will then... me and all the rotarees... kickin' it in a club... doing rotary stuff. and stuff. Someday I will share the whole thing... just thought this was good for now.
It's all very true. I've got no where to go. I must hold on to the truths I know about where my Mia is. I have to otherwise, how much more devastating would life be? That's it! That's all she wrote! I am definitely not in a healthy place, but I refuse to believe that! I do have faith that I will see my girl again. I just hope that day is on the horizon. I don't want to end my life (in case that is what you are gathering from my blogs)... I just want earth life for everyone to be done. It just feels like it's time. Bring on the Millennium.
He said a lot of things that are true. Very true. I don't plan on jumping ship... I am just having a fiery standoff at the helm. I wanted my life. MY life. MY Mia! I know none of it is mine, but I just can't accept it. yet. I can't. I have such intense anger in my heart, all I want to do is jump off the side of all ships for now. The life ship, The trying to keep it together ship, The friend ship, The mother ship, The coach ship, The volunteer ship...All previous ships need to be taken down by the canon balls of sadness. I guess the ships can stay, I just feel like abandoning all ships all day long. I have been told things get better. I'll hold onto that for now, and someday hope that I will have a desire to climb back in the ships.
I just miss that little peanut with every ounce of my existence. She is needed here, she is wanted here, it just feels so awful, and not OK that she isn't... here. Ugh, I don't know if anything I will ever tell anyone will truly explain the gravity of my devastation. It is as if I have died, but somehow my body remains. There are no English words to depict the feelings I have. It's just too sad and too awful to explain.
MAYANS 2012!!!!! Go MAYANS! PLEASE MAYANS! I am so ready to see my girl. so ready.
By Mayans- I mean the start of the Millennium. marks, get set.