Nov 3, 2012

Mourners Anonymous

I don't know much about alcohol
Nothing really
That was never a temptation for me
Thank you word of wisdom

I know enough from movies and what have you to know that alcoholism is a big problem for some people. 
The alcoholics that decide to stop drinking always refer to how much time has passed...

since their last drink...

They are 3 months, 3 years, 8 years sober

One thing they always (well from the movies) call themselves is alcoholics.  They own that part of their lives in a way by defining that it as their identity. They will forever be addicted to alcohol, even though they haven't had a drink in years.  This was always a little baffling to me.  Why not say that you "kicked" alcoholism in the butt?  I don't quite understand why they have to have the cloud hanging over them.  Why not just move on?  Acknowledge that it will never be an issue in your life again?  Seems easier than living with a constant diagnosable "problem."  You don't drink anymore... done and done. 

I get it.  All of it. 

I need to start my own group.  It is called Mourners anonymous.

I am 3 weeks in mourning.  
I will be in mourning forever.
Just like alcoholics live day to day without a drink
I am forced to live here without Mia.
I don't want to do it - but I have to.   

The sadness and despair will always be calling to me
like an addiction that I can't truly "kick."
My sobriety is a prison of solemnity.

Yes I am only 3 weeks out, but years from now I assure you I will still be
crushingly devastated.  She is my life. 

Mourning is who I am
It is my identity.  I am that woman who lost her child.
It's a "problem" that is now what makes me who I am.

This may seems bleak and dim and dark to you, but that is just the way  it is.  
The truth. 

I am always going to need her. I will always be addicted to her in a way that makes me count each day she is not in my life.  I just want to make her breakfast and do her hair and sing silly songs with her and listen to her make funny sounds only to have talking tom repeat them back.

Having a child leave your life is a HUGE problem.
It doesn't resolve
It doesn't go away and you can't escape the ugliness you feel on a daily basis.

It is my identity
Mourners... not so anonymous