Nov 20, 2012

My Mom/ Sad Songs/ Trust/ Turkey Trot

*I wrote parts of this blog a few weeks ago, so it skips around a bit.  

Everyone feels helpless 
No one knows what to say
There is nothing to say
It's a pain that you can't escape by any spoken words

I have always been close with my mom

I see the pain in her eyes and I feel so sad and angry that my mom has to hurt this much.
A few weeks ago she mentioned how it was such a joy to care for Mia.  
She said that she loved getting her out of the tub and getting her jammies on.
If you are new here we lived with my parents for a year.
Nana was a huge part of Mia's life.  

Immediately my mind shot straight to lifting her little body and how I loved wrapping her up in the towel.  She always requested to be held, "like a baby."  I always rocked her in the bathroom like a baby and she looked up at me with a pleased look on her face.  She loved being held "like a baby" and it was a routine after many a tub.  Then before getting her jammies on we did something called "dryer machine."  I used the towel and dried her off in quick short movements while singing a goofy dryer machine song.  She would squeal in delight and say, "more dryer acheen."

My arms literally ache to hold her "like a baby."  and tickle torture her with "dryer acheen."

I think about my mom and how she has always been available to me.  From staying up all night to help me with a report in high school on down to taking our last family picture a few days before we left for Florida.  She is extremely helpful and has supported me my entire life.

Now here we are smack in the middle of a horrific nightmare and no one knows what to do.  I sit around the house mostly next to Sam while he plays, then lay down, then get up and feed Sam, then cry and the cycle repeats over and over.  Living after having a child go to Heaven is not really living as much as it is taking up space and taking in oxygen.  Besides typing up my feelings I don't accomplish anything, nor do I have any grandiose plans to accomplish anything.  I am just here.  Trying to figure out what in the world just happened to me, and why.    

I find myself listening to sad songs... every sad song I can think of.  It is almost a quest to see if there is a song out there sad enough for how I feel in my heart.  I have not found one yet.  One song that has always been on the sad list, is a song by Rascal Flatts.  I have always been a country music girl.  I love all types of music but some country songs really speak to me.  Me and my sister Nat have always been the "country girls" in our family.  John also likes country almost as much as his old school boyz 2 men jams.  The song What hurts the most by Rascal Flats is one of the songs I have been listening to.  I was watching the music video and the actress in the beginning is so convincing.  If you watch it, this is a good description of how I feel throughout my day.  I am angry and devastated to the point of flailing and screaming out loud.  I don't really have anyone to hit or scream at, or to accuse of hating my daughter, but the outrage and indignation is exactly what I feel.  Later in the video you see the mom sitting next to the bathroom, and I think of my mom when I see that.  Just sitting there... helpless, but there nonetheless.

She has always had the answers, the fix-it's.  She is one of those overly capable people that I have relied on for years.  

She is just sitting there, and yet that is all she can do.

I am still on a quest for the saddest song.  I'm currently swimming in sadness and music is good company for now.  Other sad songs they sing: Here, Here, Here,  They have some good sad/inspirational songs for bereaved mamas.  I think I need to send them some lyrics about how my baby girl went to Heaven on her Make a Wish trip.  Now that!  Is SAD!

I recognize it is uncomfortable for some of you to read the things I have to say.  That is OK.  I just need to go through the thick of it.  I'm not going to pretend this is not how I feel.  I am functioning more than I was a few weeks ago, but I am no where close to being alright.  It's going to take what feels like forever, but I need you to trust me.  I feel dreadful on a daily basis, but I also laugh.  Sam keeps me on my toes, but my bed is always calling to me.  This is just the way it is.  My family is pulling together, but we are not "performing" as we did in September   A friend emailed me something I thought I would share. This is what she wanted to email someone who would like to hurry up my grieving.  I like what she had to say...

Mimi has the remedies. Trust her. She is helping herself every day by mourning properly the loss of her baby girl. Mourning Mia is ugly and painful and unimaginable...and right now she is weak and sad and broken, but she is (and she will hate this) also strong and full of faith and eternal knowledge...more than I could ever offer her in a quote or in 3 hours of church.

I do have the remedies, but am not looking for a remedy because the only thing I want is not an option.  Mia is on my mind all the time, and I just want her.  I'm always going to want her, but right now especially I am doing the impossible.  It's not easy and It's not fun.

Little flecks of life somehow trickle in and I do derive comfort from these flecks. It's difficult to sit and pout in my bed when day after day I am showered with love.  I thought for sure we would be old news by now, but the incoming love is a steady and constant stream.      

Once again, I am extremely touched by the outpouring of love.  Truly.  There are some incredibly sweet and caring people who read my blog.  It gives me hope to know so many of you care.  Thank you!

Among the amazing people are some lovely friends doing THIS.  I will be there with my family.   I might hijack Jensen's scooter, but I will be there.  Thanks to everyone who is putting this together.  I am so so touched!  You can also click HERE for more information.  I am told that you can drop off baked goods tomorrow at the Midway Town Hall.  There is also going to be a silent auction as well.  I suppose I should have blogged about this earlier, but if you have nothing going on early on Thanksgiving day, come on up.  If I don't see you, Happy Thanksgiving!