Nov 26, 2012

Snarky McSnark Ville

I am trying to get into the Christmas spirit... I am.  I just can't.  

Here is my dilema.  I LOVE Christmas, and the feelings that are all part of the Christmas package as a whole.  The songs, the smells, the lights, the bells, the excitement, the anticipation.  

Driving home the other night I heard the song, have yourself a merry little Christmas.  
This is one of my fav's.  As I listened to the lyrics I felt a fire of disgust burning within me.  

When Frank Sinatra sings the verse:
 From now on our troubles will be out of sight. I just started to scream... loudly!  

My troubles will never be out of sight or miles away!!
They are in my face all day everyday!
My troubles are big enormous monkeys on my terrace.   

I just feel so snarky all the time- and have ugly thoughts that have never entered my brain before.
Christmas music is making me upset!? I am not the one who gets annoyed by Christmas music.  If I hear a Christmas song out of season i just feel a ting of delight thinking about when it will roll around again.  Now, when I hear certain lyrics that have always instilled peace and Christmas joy, I get angry.  I just can't imagine a life or a Christmas season that feels the way it used to.  I will never hear Christmas music and feel the same.  I am not the same.  I am now a permanent resident in snarky mcsnark ville.  Christmas carols, and Christmas classics are reserved for mothers who have not experienced this.  

From now on our troubles will be miles away?  
LIES!  It's all LIES!

From now on our troubles will trail you like a dark cloud and a constant reminder right under your nose. All of you... yes all of you!  JB/Me/Jense/Ells/Sam  all of us have been deeply troubled.  Troubled beyond measure.  

I fully recognize that I write/say many a irrational thing.  I know they are irrational, but that doesn't mean I don't feel this way.  Like I said I am senorita snarky and irrationality is not close behind.  

I want so desperately to be that mom who relishes every move her children make.  If it was super cheesy, chances are I was a big fan.  BIG fan.
Now my life is full of snarky malarkey.  
I just want to see all of their faces on Christmas morning so filled with that thing that makes us HUMAN.  It is a basic human need right?  The joy of being together and feeling so much love? The excitement and overwhelming gratitude? 

I want to feel that, and know I will to an extent, but not the way intended.  
I want to see her face, I want to get her hugs after she opens a gift.  
It's just too much for my mama brain to think about her not being there.  
I really don't want to be the grinch of Christmas, but when I think about Christmas I want to have Christmas the proper way.  I don't want to feel pain, I don't want to feel loss, I dont want to feel like I'm missing out.

I can't even enjoy the lovely happy Christmas music that was once such a source of Joy for me.

It's not just the music... so many things are triggers.  Santa, candy canes, toys, candy, christmas lights.  I can't escape the pain, it's everywhere and it hurts! a lot!

I don't know why I am being tormented, but it seems like everywhere I look there is some darling mini mouse themed toy, or outfit.  New minnie mouse items are EVERYWHERE!  She would have been tickled pink by any of them.  She loved to open gifts and her little face always lit up regardless of what was enclosed.

I just really truly do not want to have a Christmas morning without her.

Tonight John and I went out and purchased a few things for the children's stockings and as I picked out a few things he informed me that we will always fill a stocking for Mia.  I am so glad he feels this way.  I want to too, but didn't want to have a conversation about it because I didn't want to lose it in the store.  I quickly selected four of each thing and placed them in the cart.   

Mia loved Christmas. She loved the lights and loved driving past homes that were all aglow with lights and lawn decorations.  She called them, "Cwistmas house!"

Ellie asked me today if we could buy gifts for Mia and keep them in a special spot.  
I of course told her that would be fine. Maybe it will help... maybe it will hurt more. I don't know.  She wants to do it, so we'll go with that.
Ellie is so sweet and is always thinking about her sister.
She said she would be too sad if there weren't any gifts for Mia under the tree.
I agree wholeheartedly, but the thought of her not being there to open them makes me want to throw myself on the floor and scream.... not getting up for hours.  Sadly, this has happened... it's not a comfortable or happy place to be.

A few months back I remember seeing this and thinking, this is the perfect Christmas gift for her.  Seeing it again made me replay those feelings in my head over and over.
I was so not prepared for this.

I wish I would have bought it on the spot and given it to her.
I wish I could rewind to that day.  and have her.

My goal for next year is to have rid myself of all snarkiness or at least some of it, and allow myself to enjoy the season.  My snarky thoughts/comments are not toward any persons... just this lousy situation... just to clarify.

Merry Christmas ?