Nov 18, 2012

Sunday Visit

The cemetery has the most beautiful view.  

The kids brought these little solar powered flowers to put next to... on her site.  I have a really difficult time describing this place and having it associate whatsoever with my little girl.  
I'm just not there yet.  I know it is my reality, but I am clinging to denial for now.  

They brought little flowers... let's just leave it at that!

These little flowers when charged, move their leaves up and down.  I wanted to buy a bunch of them, and I called every dollar store in a 40 mile radius and they were all out.  I'll keep checking, and come spring we will have some fun things up there.  Anything cheerful and solar paneled will do. These flowers are perfect!   

Sammers and his Nats.  I've said it once and I'll say it again.  Sammers is a ladies man... mostly a sisters man.  He loves my sisters.  a lot.  He is really good for your self esteem... especially if you are related to me.

Ells and sammers were running around and Nat caught a little moment with Jense.  He was asking me when we are going to get a headstone.  See that gravestone to our left?  They are brother and sister... both babies.  Frank and Annie.  If you spend enough time at the cemetery you start to learn names and lengths of time on the earth.  We removed the rest of the flowers today.  We have slowly been removing the flowers, and today decided to remove the rest.  My parents placed some sod, and have been frequenting the cemetery as well.  

While we were there we walked around and looked at headstones.  I visited two of my classmates sites, and saw a headstone that was heart shaped.  Ironically in big letters on one side of the heart it read, McDonald.  I like the heart shaped headstone.  After the funeral I received a few advertisements for headstones.  When I opened them I promptly tore them up while screaming and threw them in the garbage.  So... due to my fit of rage I don't have any examples of headstones.  NOR do I want to go browsing yet.  There are certain things that shouldn't exist in young mothers' lives... headstones are at the tippy top of that list.     

Nor should little two year olds frequent cemeteries.  They should go to the park.  Sammers was running so quickly that both of his feet were off the ground.  His arms are so entertaining to watch when he is running.  They flail in all different directions and they appear to be disconnected from any control of his muscles.  I love it.

We received so many neat things from so many people.  So so many.  I am very touched.  Among all of the lovely things were these necklaces.  This one is Jensens.  It is so sweet. Thank you Michelle for for all of the jewelry and kind words.  I remember when Gracie went to Heaven I wept for you as her mother.  I truly appreciate everything you said.  Thank you.  

Sammers having a little chat with his "Meena." 

Then of course a kiss for his sis.  
I wonder how much he truly understands.  
Every time I ask Sammy where is Meana is he insists that she "went to the camping."
He also has said multiple times that she is "at the hopsital." 

Ellie has a collection of necklaces that she has been given the last few weeks.  

She loves them all and does not take them off

This necklace has Mia's fingerprint.  so precious.  More on this later.  

I went to church today.  Today was the primary program and I didn't want to miss out on the kids singing.  It was not an easy day.  When Mia's class lined up to speak their part into the microphone I couldn't help but think about how much Mia would have loved that.  I imagined her walking up there and then saying her part, then looking at us with her darling little face.  I could tell my mother was crying one row behind me.  We are missing out, and missing her so much.  All of us. It hurts to be places knowing full well that she would naturally be there also, but she is not.  There is an immense void, and it hits hard at certain moments and at times is more subtle.   This is one of the wall crashing down experiences.  It hurts! So badly! She would have been so sweet to watch.  

She only sang up on the stand once.  It was her one and only primary song performance.  She loved it.  She marched up there with her sister and looked at us the whole time smiling and waving.  I wish I had a picture of her... I would have taken one too.  Taking pictures in sacrament meeting isn't really something you do, but if I could go back and take a picture I would do it.  Sammers actually decided to go on up to the front as well last year, even though he was much too young. When Jensen and Ellie and all of the children got up to go to the front and sing, Sammers decided to go up too. We of course didn't stop him.  He wasn't about to let all of his siblings go somewhere, and leave him behind.  He did sing, and he did wave, and when he came off the stand he proclaimed, "I sang a song!"  really loudly.  He was so darling up there with his sisters and brother.  I remember having a very overwhelming feeling of Joy watching all four of them.  I was so happy, it was like a little slice of Heaven during sacrament meeting.  Today something happened and Jense, and he decided to come sit with us and couldn't participate.  He is having a rough time, so we didn't talk him into going back up.  He was really excited to play the bells for a song, but he got too nervous.  Poor kid. After church he informed me that he was looking at his necklace and got really sad about his sister.  I told him that he needs to give her a kiss every time her misses her, now that he has a picture of her on a necklace.    

I survived the day. somehow.  Not seeing Mia up there with the rest of the children in her class had the potential to destroy me, but I survived.  I think maybe worrying about Jense and his feelings distracted me from the pain of Mia not being up there as she should be.  Ellie did a great job!  She kept looking at me when I was crying, and I could tell that she was a little worried, but kept singing.  At the end of the program the bishop talked about how wonderfully the children sang, and mentioned that he believes that there were Heavenly angels singing along with the children as well.  We have a great bishop.  Truly.