Nov 5, 2012

Superstitious

When we were in Florida I went to pick up our rental car then to meet up with John at the hospital.  One of the employees at Give Kids the World took me to pick up the van.  This was when we thought Mia was coming down with some kind of virus or random infection.  She was tired and her heart rate was up.  THOSE WERE HER ONLY SYMPTOMS!  On the drive to get the car I was making small talk about how I was bummed that we weren't going to make it to Disney that day, but would hopefully get her on some antibiotics and maybe head back out in a few days.  While we were talking I kept placing my finger underneath my left eye and applying pressure.  He asked me if I was OK.  I replied, "yes, my eye has been twitching and holding it is the only way to make it stop."  He said, "Maybe you need more sleep."  I thought about the week before and I was low on sleep, but my eye had been twitching like that for at least two weeks.  Usually I would have been on top of taking vitamins, but just hadn't gotten around to it.  He said: "Where I am from we are very superstitious and certain things are predictors for things that will happen in your life.  I said, "oh really? Where are you from?  He replied: "Haiti."  "My roommate my freshman year of College was from Haiti!! She was so happy and sweet!" I replied.  Then he talked about how Haitians are very happy people... very superstitious... but very happy.  Then I asked, "So what are some of the suspicions?"   He said, "Well, like if someone sweeps over your feet with a broom you will never find love."  I thought to my self... sheesh, that seems ridiculous.  Could you imagine someone running around with a broom messing everyone up resulting in a loveless destiny?  He said, "yeah, there are a lot of things like that... I don't believe much myself, but some I do."  Then I asked him, " So what does my eye twitching mean?"  He said, "Well if it's the left eye (which it was) then something really bad is going to happen."  In my mind I thought, "wow! You are spot on... something bad is totally happening.  Mia is in a hospital and she is supposed to be at Disneyland!"  I actually said the words, "Well in this case something bad is happening."  I was so naive, so innocent as to what was in store for me.

I had no idea that something catastrophic was going to happen. He said something bad would happen... not something that would make me yearn so eagerly for this life to be over.  If I could only rewind to that day and take her straight to the hospital that treats transplant kids.  I am always going to wonder why I didn't insist she be transferred.  Why!? I was never demanding with Mia's care, ever.  I just wish ONCE  I would have insisted... just ONCE!  It is going to haunt me forever.  Beating myself up won't bring her back- I KNOW IT WON'T, but desperately wanting her back is a constant.  Thinking about where I went wrong is what my mind focuses on- in a continuous loop of torture.  How did I get here?  Why am I in this house without Mia? It's just not what I had planned for my life.

The saying you don't know what you have until it's gone does not apply here.  I KNEW it!  Every single day of my life I was keenly aware of her greatness.  I knew what I had with Mia. The best life.  I was gifted the most wonderful little baby girl.  The happiest most darling little human.  To live without her is just not appealing.  It is IMPOSSIBLE.  Got that?  NOT POSSIBLE!!! I have been "trying" and have been unsuccessful.

Oh if I could just be wrapped up in a package and shipped off to where she is.  I just need to see her... just for a little while.  I need her little body in my arms and her hair running through my fingers.  I need her little hand squeezing mine and her little hands stroking my cheeks.  She is the best little companion and I need her in my arms like I need water.  I just don't know how to do this... any of it.  It makes me so sick.  She just loves everyone and says the sweetest things all the time.  Why is she not here?  I am so empty and void of any emotion but sadness.  and anger.

Can I please go back to the car ride in which I  talk casually with a boy from Haiti about superstitions?  Pleeeese!!!