I left my house last night. I spent some time with some friends that for a few hours helped me escape my reality. It was nice. It was a tiny glimpse into my previous life... one with laughter. The purpose of me going was to get out some anger. I did just that, but in so doing, also laughed. Once I got home I took off my sweater and went up the stairs. I crawled into my bed and the nightmare continues. The devastation ensues and I try to dull the pain here and there by watching funny clips on you tube. Listening to John laugh like a little kid always makes me smile. His favorite pastime is watching bloopers, or people and their stupidity. If you want to cheer John up, just send him funny you tube videos. There is teeny tiny temporary moments each day of feeling human, but they are fleeting. I am mostly a shell full of wonderful memories but all I feel...all I can see in front of me is emptiness. Is this our story?
In Mia's absence I am the designated playmate to Sammers. He wants to play tracks all day every day. He says, "I wanna play tracks with you!" all the time. I am good for about 20 minutes here and there, then it is back to bed. As I assemble these tracks everyday I think about how you can build them so trains can double back. One piece of track sends the train head long back in the direction in which it was coming. I just want to go back. This direction does not look good from where I am. It looks awful! Sammy likes to make the train long and straight and pulls the trains from one end of the kitchen to the other. I don't want to move, so my track always consists of bends and curves, often times creating a windy loop that makes the trains do the same thing over and over often derailing because I try to go fast with my trains. My life seems to be looping around and derailing more than it is moving forward. I have zero desire to do anything. ever. Nothing is exciting, nothing sounds fun. I used to day dream all the time about the places I wanted to visit, the countries and cultures I envisioned myself in. If someone presented me with a ticket to Paris, or Italy, or anywhere for that matter... I would decline. I have no desire to go anywhere I did before. I just want to be here. Wondering why. Tormenting myself with the details. Yearning for her little face to be next to mine. My poor children are left with a mother who has nothing to give anyone. Sammers tried to leave with a complete stranger the other day. He doesn't want to be here, and I don't blame him. We play trains, and I count down the minutes until he goes down for a nap so I can be in my bed. How awful is that? This is what I've become. It's not pretty. I do play with him and he does make me smile a lot, but I'm always wishing I could be back in bed.
I am just exhausted all the time. I have head aches in the middle of the night that wake me up an hour after I finally fall asleep. I wake up with headaches often. Whatever is happening to cause headaches all the time I know is a result from what I do all day. I stress constantly. I am stressed about tomorrow, next week, and next month. My brain never gets to do anything but get pumped full of adrenaline rich blood. My body does nothing, but I am always full of adrenaline thinking about Mia, and how everything transpired, and how I predict the rest of my future will be. It's no surprise I have headaches all the time. I am just so exhausted and tired of doing this.
I am so tired of crying. My face hurts from crying. I am tired of being a hostage to my bed. I am tired of people telling me how she is in a better place. I am tired of feeling like I am going to lose my mind. I am tired of consuming chocolate to drown my sorrow. I am tired of trying to sleep. I am tired of thinking about my life without her. I am tired of replaying her last few days over and over in my mind. I am tired of telling my husband that I am not able to handle anything today. I am tired of being that mom who lost her daughter. I am tired of feeling sick to my stomach every minute of the day. I am tired of knowing my life has hit a wall. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of it all. I need to rest.