Dec 28, 2012

All the King's Horses

Jense loves to take pictures with my camera.  We have a deal that if he puts the neck strap around his neck he is allowed to use it.  I rarely post his pictures, but these ones are pretty fun. 

The very best toy in the world is a big cardboard box. 
The kids played in this tree box for hours and hours.
Daddy may or may not have spent the better part of a few hours with them.
These kiddos do so much for my shattered soul. 

Jense took this picture of Sam having a little sad minute.  
I love when Sam does this.  I probably shouldn't it is just so sweet when he buries his head in his hands.  He doesn't throw loud tantrums, his way of protest is to hide his face and be really quiet.  Oh, and he puckers out his lip.  It's the most adorable thing... I love it.  

Still hiding

The kids made home made snowflakes to decorate the house, and long paper chains.  They had this place covered in paper the week after Thanksgiving.  This little snow flake lists all the people Jensen loves... well some of them.  Mia is on there twice.  
I think we all have Mia on our love list twice.  

The boys were playing monster trucks. 
I just think it is funny that Jense took a picture of this...

I have an entire folder titled "Jensen photos."
Many of the photos are of my Mia, so Jense's pictures will come out of hiding sooner than later.  I have a bunch of pictures that Mia took too.  

She loved taking pictures... so so much.  

I miss her face, her laugh, her little body... it hurts.  I feel physical stabs in my chest every day when I want her and know I can't have her.  There are daily distractions, but the pain always finds me.  It is never far away, and it can strike without warning.  

My family was playing in the snow today, and I held Mia's purple snow bibs tight against my chest and cried... for a long time.  I just thought about the last time those little snow pants were used and how badly I wish we could go back to that day.  All of her snow clothes are in the bin with everyone else's   Her things are everywhere.  All of her toys, her clothes, even her toothbrush is in the cabinet.  There are random prescription bottles with her name on them.  You would never know that she is not here. 

If you were wondering how my life is going, or what it looks like on a daily basis just imagine me screaming as loud as I can, "THIS SUCKS!" and that will pretty much describe how I feel at any given moment of my day. 

I have to cling to her snow pants as a sorry attempt to feel close to her. 

I try to post about life... about my kids playing in boxes, but all i want to type is how badly I want my girl back.  Her absence consumes me, my thoughts, my life. I just feel like I'm being picked on, that every day is a reminder of how I have to feel sad for the rest of my life.  So many wonderful people are doing so many things to provide even a little shred of peace.  I just wholeheartedly believe that every single of day of my life is going to be painful.  I will truly never be the same, and that is devastating to me.  

I admit I am not in the same mental place I was in October, but honestly I think my life is just going to be sad.  By all definitions of the word.  I will have happy moments in my day, yes, but true happiness... holding nothing back, will be something I see in other's lives... not my own.  
I have never been depressed... ever.  

I wonder if I am predisposed to depression.  I wonder if this was the kind of thing I can not recover from.  This is too big of a hit for me.  I am learning to pretend to be OK.  I have never taken an acting class, but I can put on a happy face while feeling empty inside.  If you see me smiling chances are it is in an effort to make you comfortable and unaware of just how destroyed I am inside.  I will continue to smile, but it is not a reflection of my being OK.  
I am definitely not OK.   

It makes me sad- that this-this not OK person- is me.
Mia provided us with so much happiness everyday.
She was such a joy to care for... to parent.  
We all miss her so much, and trying to pick up the piece of our shattered hearts just seems like a big fat waste of time, because it will never happen. 

The pieces will never be put back
It is going to result the same way it did in Humpty Dumpty...
All the king's horses and all the king's men.  

Even nursery rhymes don't end the way they aught to
It's just the way it is.