Dec 20, 2012

January of my life

I was planning on waiting until January to show pictures from the funeral and some from her last days.  I look at them daily and marinade in my sadness.  The images are painful and awful and heartbreaking to look at.  They are my life.  A life that feels like a never ending nightmare!

I wanted to wait, but will be posting a blog John wrote which includes two pictures.  Pictures of him sleeping with his baby girl one last time.  I have read his words over and over and whatever shed of life remaining in my heart is squelched when I read his words.  He loves her... he needs her.  I wish I could help him sleep, I wish I could give her back to him.  There is just no solace ...yet.  Yes, yet.  There has to be some at some point.  

I suppose their is no reason to wait for January because everyday is January.  This is the January of my life!  It will always be January.

After this post I will wait until January... let's get through Christmas!  That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

January is going to be extra depressing, just a warning.  For all you new year's resolutioners... if being depressed isn't one of your resolutions... then you might want to not read.

When you see John, give him a hug.  He needs more hugs.  He is not ok.  He might look like it, but he is not. Not at all.

There are so many daddies and mommies without their little ones today and I have been thinking about those families so much.  So so much and I just wish I was at a point in my life that I had something comforting to say.  I have faith that I will someday.  I don't understand what they are feeling fully, but I have a pretty good sense of their grief of not having their perfect child with them.  It's the worst kind of reality that is more painful than any earthy experience.  I am heartbroken for them.  Truly heartbroken.