Dec 4, 2012

Together someday in Forever

My dear friend gave me tickets to the forgotten carols.  Ellie was invited to come with me, and was so excited.  It was lovely, I love Michael McLean.  Thank you for the tickets Leah!  At the end of the production Michael McLean has the crowd sing along with him to the song, "we can be together forever someday."  After singing it a few times, he then invites you to sing for someone who is not with you, someone in your life who has already gone to Heaven.  Ellie's face whipped around and her eyes were beaming with excitement.  She looked at me and for the first time in a long time I felt like she was happy.  She truly believed that she would be singing to Mia.  She whispered to me, "Mom, we get to sing to Mia."  I just had to nod my head because I was desperately trying to hold in the sobbing session that was surfacing.    We sang the song together and and she asked me if I thought Mia heard it, and I replied that I'm sure she did.

My mind shot to the last time I sang that song in a group setting.  It was my high school seminary graduation clear back in 1999.  I was sitting there kind of uncomfortably (I was a teenager) with my parents and we sang that song.  When memories from my past sneak into my consciousness I immediately bargain with myself that if I could just go back to that date and relive my life I wouldn't change one thing... not ONE... up until Florida.  I would have said NO NO Not a chance to a cath and would have started treating her rejection.  If only... if only.....

My mind does this all day long.  I think I am still in the "comparing" stage of my grief.  I would trade this, or if I could only go to this date, or the last time I wore this shirt, or the last time I ate this, or the last time I touched this toy, or the last time I went in a store... if only I could go back to that.

Being a mother to children who have had a sibling return to heaven is like being on an extremely unfamiliar road in a foreign country.  Everyday there are things you are saying that are most likely incorrect.  I need a user manual for how to talk with my children about well, everything.  I wish someone would talk to me.  The kids are going to see a grief counselor.  I believe it will help... it makes me want to pull my hair out that their outings are for grief counseling and not a dance lesson, or sports practice.  That is what they are "involved" in... grief counseling.  boo!  I just don't know if I'll ever be in a place where I don't feel completely robbed.  Try as I may I'm sure I can be more comforting to my children.  There is always such a storm raging inside of me.  The storm is the worst at certain moments: Right when I wake up and I remember the hellish nightmare, the few hours before I fall asleep after everyone else is asleep, and driving away from the cemetery.

My days are filled with crying, mundane distractions (cooking, cleaning), more crying, helping kiddos, and moments of feeling paralyzed that this is what I am going to feel for the rest of my life.  I am still in the thick of it all.  The fog is not dissipating and I am exhausted trying to put on a brave face.  I am that mom.  I am the mom who took her family to Florida and came back without her precious daughter.  As many of you have labeled it,  "the worst story I have ever heard."  That's me.  Can you grasp it? Even for a second?  That is me!  I'm the one trying to stay afloat through the aftermath of the worst story you've ever heard.  I recognized it is not the worst, but it is really really heartbreaking.  How do I do this?  Do I work towards coming to grips that she is gone? That I will never feel true joy ever again?  That's what I need to work on?  BLEH!!!

Every day is a series of getting picked last for the team.  A feeling of not being good enough, or remotely good enough.  All I feel is yuck and I want to feel the flip side! I want to feel peace, and that I am wanted here.  I want to feel peace, but it has no way to get into my vaulted heart.  I will need to hire a bulldozer to come in and remove all of the self pity that is cemented to my life.  I just feel so badly for myself, for my husband, and children.  I want all my children.  Is it too much to ask?  Is it?  I can't remember the last time I felt sorry for myself... it's been a long time.  Now I get an entire lifetime worth of self pity in one drop ship?  Self pity is not ideal by any means and every time I feel like I make progress away from it I am thrust right back. Back to the pain and ugliness of having my baby girl gone.  I HATE IT!!!  My rubber band of self pity has all it's elasticity intact.

I do find my way away from the ugliness from time to time because of you...the strangers, the family, some old friends, and some friends I have had for years loving and caring for our family.  I am very very grateful to you for showering me with love.  Thank you.  I don't ever want to come across like I am not grateful for the outpouring of love. because I truly am.

I just wish that the love could magically erase some of the pain.  It just feels like I am going to feel this pain for the rest of my life.

Together Forever someday feels like Together someday in FOREVER.

I am sad.  Unimaginably sad!  I miss my girl.