Oct 31, 2012

When I'm awake


We left Mia at a gas station.  We didn't realize it until we got to the next town on our way somewhere going south.  When I realized the mistake I immediately stopped at a bank to get the phone number for the police department of the town we had left her in.  When I got on the phone they confirmed that they had her.  We immediately turned around and headed back to get Mia.  I was panicked.  Once we got there we were greeted by somebody and then Mia came running to me.  I was so relieved.  She was in my arms. I could not believe that something like this could have ever happened to me.  How in the world could I have left her at a gas station?  That is impossible.  Once she was in my arms I thought we were good to go.  Maybe I would have to sign a paper or two, but we would be on our way.  Not the case.  A group of people came out of what looks like a conference room to inform me that I was able to be with Mia as long as I wanted to stay at the facility.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I had to stay there?  We were leaving, on our way somewhere fun.  I annoyingly asked how long we must stay and be supervised.  They informed me that it might be a couple days to weeks.  WHAT? Can they do this?  They tried to explain that because she was left somewhere she can't be released unless they know I am a suitable parent.  I felt sick.  I had no idea how I left her at a gas station, but I knew I loved her and have spent most of each day ensuring her well-being   The letters started flowing in about how much I love Mia and am the best mother for her.  The front desk lady could not believe the amount of petitions written to let Mia come home with me.  Everyone but some head honcho guy knew I would take good care of her.  I just held onto her and kept kissing her hair in disbelief that someone somewhere didn't want us to be together. Why would he want that?  Why?

Then I woke up.

This is how my dreams go lately.  I wake up feeling exhausted, frustrated, and broken hearted just to realize that the nightmare I was having was actually way better than what my reality on this side of consciousness entails.  At least in my awful dreams Mia was still with me, still an option.  Why must I be tormented all day long just to fall asleep and be tormented all over.  There is only so much heartache I can handle in an extended period of time.  I felt so much happy in my dream when I found her.  I can remember the feeling of being reunited.  It was so wonderful.  It wasn't real.

I feel like I am having a standoff with my life.  I refuse to live it.  I'm not going to give in.  There is no point and I refuse to acknowledge the point of life with out Mia.  I wont do it.

Today is Halloween. The first holiday without my girl.  She loved Halloween. Loved it.  Last year she was strawberry shortcake and wore her costume for days and days after Halloween.  This year she was supposed to be Minnie Mouse.  Her little face lights up when she is anticipating anything.  I can see her expression clear as day... her eye browns nearly disappear into her hair line with excitement and she swings her body side to side sometimes jumping up and down. Then the happy screaming.  Mia's happy scream... I need it.    

I just can't stand the thought of going trick or treating with out her.  She made everything fun.  Watching Mia was the highlight of every holiday.   It makes me ill that she is not here.  It makes me ill that I have to suffer through all of the holidays and pretend to be present for the sake of my other kids.  I am so disconnected from my previous life. There is no way to go back.

Is mortality supposed to hurt this much?  Is this the plan?  Anguish every single minute of every stupid day? What is the point? Why live? Why love? Why? Is this where it leads? Despair and torture? Thanks, but no thanks!

I am so angry- more than that... I am enraged.  My daughter is gone.  Everything I have felt my entirely life, all of the love I have always felt from my Father in Heaven feels like it was all taken away.  I feel no love.  I am so angry at him for doing this.  From how I feel I don't think he is the biggest fan of me either.  Why am I being punished so horrendously?  What did I do?  Was I that awful?  This lesson? This one?  really?  What did I do?  What did I do?  

I am here to be a mom!! Why can't I just keep my kids?  Why!?!  It is so mean.  SO mean.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  

Can we fast forward to the end?  I'm over it.  Completely over it.  I just have to be sad for the rest of my life?  forget Joy and Happiness?  It's just too mean.  too mean. 

All I want is to take my peanut trick or treating, and to snuggle with her, and walk her to preschool, and listen to her silly jokes, and convince her to take bites.  The only thing I can do is sit here in my bed.  sob.  sometimes write down my feelings. then sob some more.  

I just wish I could sleep through it all... When I'm awake I can't breathe.  When I'm awake I ache for her to be in my arms. When I'm awake the sting of her not being here never lets up.  When I'm awake I just want to go back to sleep... at least in my dreams she is there.      

Oct 30, 2012

Give a hug to my girl

Today I learned that a classmate of mine passed away.  First of all I am not a fan of the term "passed away."  It is stupid.  Passed Away?  I don't like it.  The term "went to Heaven" seems much more fitting and inviting than "passed away."

Today I learned that a classmate of mine went to Heaven.  My heart immediately sank.  What the What?  Why?  I clicked on the website and there he was 4 obituaries above my Mia.  How could this be?  As I glanced at all the other obituaries they were all elderly people, not just getting started in life. I starred for probably five minutes...  Just my Mia and the obituary at the top of the page, a boy who I sat by in a few classes in high school.  They didn't belong there.   Everyone else was ... OLD.  Old people who should be gracing the website of a mortuary.  Not young people about to get married or precious little girls who brought so much light into this world.  The old people yes, they have lived their lives... why the young?  He was going to getting married!!  Seeing his face a few pictures above Mia's just fuels my hate fire for mortality.  Not Ok!


He was the nicest person. Truly. He has one of those sparkly eyed smiles, that made your heart flutter.  We were never that close, but I do have some memories of him from high school.  Such a great person! At our 10 year reunion I was standing with a group of girls, and after a small lull in the conversation someone chimed in with, "Woah, hello Preston!"  Then the flood gates opened with how good looking he was and why on earth he wasn't married.  I have always been annoyed by conversations about why people who are good looking aren't married.  There I was participating in that conversation and truly wondering why on earth he was not married.  He probably had girls lined up, because I know a few of us who were married were considering switching over to his line.  Not really, but he was just a really really good person and was very good looking.  We then grabbed one of our girl classmates who was single and told her that it was her destiny for her to marry him.  This was all in jest and obviously you can't force them to love each other but it seemed like a match made in heaven to us.  That was a few years ago, and I haven't seen him in person since... until a few month ago.  I was tempted a few times to contact him about taking out a few girls who I absolutely love.  I always backed out because another single friend informed me that a lot of people don't appreciate being set up.  Reading his obituary is torturous.  He finally found his love as was engaged to be married.  My heart is broken for his fiance.  Truly broken.  I don't even want to think about his mama.

 
I saw Preston a few months back.  I was with my family and he was with his.  He gave me a head nod and one of his sparkly eyed smiles and I just waved back at him like a little kid.  I wish now that I would have gone to talk to him.

We never know when someone is going to leave this earth.  I need to be better about reaching out and simply saying "hey, how are ya?" Not that It would have changed much in either of our lives, but I could have introduced him to Mia and told him it was good to see him.  Missed opportunities.

I am just sad.  Perpetually sad.  Thinking about Preston, for a minute I was able to put my own sadness on the back burner for a minute. It seems like I jut turned around and someone else I knew went to heaven.  Is death going to be everywhere now?  Now that Mia is gone?  Are my senses heightening?  It is difficult for me to say that I hope his family is feeling comforted and peaceful because those are things that are escaping me.  I do not feel peace... I feel robbed.  I wonder when the peace will come?  will it come?  I do actually hope they do. I don't want anyone else to feel the way I do... ever.



                          Preston, 

                         Please go give a big hug to my baby girl from her mama,
                         I miss her so much!


I wrap my fear around me


Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable 
and lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it...


These words from an indigo girl's song keep entering my mind. 
I do not feel safe here.
I am intensely afraid of living a lifetime without my daughter
The words of this song are perfect... I wrap my fear around me like a blanket.
It's exactly how I feel... engulfed in fear... secure in being afraid.

I am terrified of what is to come
My children living without their sister
My husband not snuggling his baby girl
My whole world turned upside down
A world, a life, that was so beautiful and happy-
yanked away

Is this what life has to offer?
It's not ok for the rest of my family to have to suffer.

Lightness has a call that's hard to hear...
I have not been listening for the light
I am too consumed with fear and sadness.



Oct 29, 2012

The new Mimi


I feel like When my baby girl went to Heaven the old Mimi left with her.

My friend Rebecca, who knows me well, posted this on her blog.
She is that person in my life who was heading to a concert in Seattle then got the word about Mia and went straight to the airport to fly to Florida.  The blog I am about to write makes me sad
for her.  and me.

I read this recently when it was re posted.  My mind searched to find a part of this description that felt right.  None of it feels right.  The person she describes doesn't exist. 

There is a new Mimi that does not resemble this one. at all.

This is her post:


 I just wanted to share because I admire her and I think a lot of people do...here are my thoughts on "Being Mimi". Feel free to add your own thoughts.

So I know our friendship isn't over, but I have been trying to figure out what is different about m
y friendship with Mimi that makes me so affected by her departure. I have been crying like someone has died for over 24 hours (obviously not continuously, but we are talking about hours of accumulation in the past day). I have loved other friends who have moved far away, and yet nothing like this. I think I've come up with a few reasons why Mimi is so special to me.

1. Mimi doesn't acknowledge my faults. I have many, many, many faults...and they are really noticeable when I am around Mimi, but she never seems to dwell on them. I could make lists right now of the things that the people closest to me wish they could change about me...but I can't think of anything that Mimi thinks is annoying. AMAZING! I recognize that there are things that bother her, but she must trust me to find them on my own. I love this about her! I have never even apologized to her for talking too much...and I apologize to the grocery checker for that!

2. Mimi changed me forever in 2006 when she assured me that I could "do no wrong" in her book. I think I had done something that I believed she may have been hurt by, so I called her to apologize, and she was like, "we are waaaaaaayyy past that, you don't have to worry about offending me, I know you!" I don't know if I have ever had someone put that kind of blanket confidence in me before, I'm not sure I really understood what she even meant. I do now. Mimi knows me, she knows that I don't want to hurt her, so she always gives me the benefit of the doubt. If something flies that shouldn't, she has already written it off. Does this sound relieving to anyone but me? This was like an exhale moment for me, because I'm a big pleaser, and I always analyze my behavior after a social gathering and then I start to wonder if this or that that I said or did was taken the wrong way, etc. I had exempt status with her, and learned how it felt and I've tried to extend that amnesty to other friends in my life. I know that much of this ability she has stems from her own stand alone, no- matter-what love for herself.

3. Mimi loves herself. She is so easy to be around, because she doesn't seek compliments, self deprecate, focus on her looks, apologize for every move she makes, etc. She just happily likes who she is. She isn't conceited, just content with herself. I really like myself too, and so being around her, I never felt I needed to play small, hide my success or deflect a compliment to make someone else feel better. This is a gift she possesses.

4. Mimi is limitless. Does that sound super cheesy? Well, that is because you don't know any limitless people. I only know of one. Her. When Mimi was growing up and someone told her the old, "you can do anything you set your mind to" cliche, she took it to heart and makes that a reality every day. A small example is that Mimi doesn't have to show her YMCA card at the side entrance of our YMCA! Let me fill unfamiliar guests in that the side entrance might as be for the President of the United States, because with out the right cred, you are not getting in...unless you are Mimi! Basically, when she hears someone talk about something that is limiting them, she is surprised that they are allowing the limitation to limit them. She is limitless, and I have had some limitless moments on her coat tails, and it's pretty awesome.

5. Mimi is there for her people all the time, around the clock, no matter what, and she will never let you know how inconvenient your needing her is. Mimi could have been up all night with food poisoning and had three kids wet beds and if I called her to babysit for me all day, she'd simply say, "Sure, what time?" This is really hard for me to do. It is so nice to have this offered to me, that I am trying to remember this when people need me, but I'm not sure I am unconsciously succeeding yet.

Mimi, there are so many amazing things about you! I love that you make nice dinners for your family, that you go couponing like a crazy lady, that you love Utah, that you say, "about it" at the end of lots of sentences when it doesn't make sense. I am going to miss the last minute text about running to Target and that turning into a leisurely shopping trip followed by shenanigans at one of our houses. I will miss your kids, I'll miss your JB and playing pictionary with you guys even though we never win. I will miss my kids playing with your kids, I'll miss you on the Elma trip this weekend, I'll miss Zumba with you and by you and I'll miss your kids knowing who I am when I walk in the door. I'll miss your laundry room entrances and your reclining couches. I'll miss the thug JB makes you and the ease of never having to explain my grumpy husband to you. I will miss your in-law family at all the random gatherings and the perpetual gatherings at your house because Chris can't hang with the threat of kids making messes. I'll miss being uncensored me, myself and I. I will miss the four of us laughing every time we get together about the same RB legend and other related stories. I'll miss being around you and John because your playful dynamic is super enjoyable to witness and for sure know that I can't ever compare down to you. I'll miss being your event photographer, and working with you and learning together. I'll miss Mia flirting with Chris and calling me, "Becca." I'll miss lemonade stands, garage sales, backyard marshmallow roasting and the babysitting shuffles that end with you doing all the driving of my sitter for me. I'll miss debriefing awkward situations that we both witness after the fact and having someone with a van that sometimes even rivals mine in nastiness.



That person was me -
How could I possibly be that person anymore?  
That person is gone. 
The good is gone.
The happy is gone. 
This is not a "moment" I am having- she is GONE!

A few nights back I was visiting with some of my high school friends about how I feel like a stranger to my myself.  I look like Mimi, and I have the same voice, but there is a gaping hole in my life that eroded away the best part of me.  Leaving only an existence that is foreign, that doesn't belong here.  

I think about myself... my life, and want to throw up. all the time!
I am tethered to the toilette with how my life is taking a turn. 
#3 could not be further from the truth.  I don't think my "content with herself"ability will return.
How could I possibly be content with myself again? 
The ease of knowing exactly who I am left when Mia did. 
 I feel like this blog (the one I'm writing) is proof that I am failing. 
FAILING!

The sun never sets on my day... It NEVER sets 
It's one continuous round of everything depicted in my friends words with the exception of it being the exact opposite.   I will forever be limited and incapable of truly being happy without Mia. It is entirely impossible for me to be that person again.
So trusting, happy, and able to feel true joy?


The new Mimi is cynical and distrusting and disturbed! 
This is not what Mia would want- I know, I know...
It's not what I want either- It just IS.


Oct 28, 2012

Next to Normal


Have you seen the Broadway show Next to Normal?
It is a sad one.

It is about a family.
The entire time you are thinking that this mother just favors her son to her daughter and then it is revealed that her son actually only lived a short while, but she kept him alive in her brain.  

I have felt these last weeks that I am on the verge of insanity.  
Not the pull your hair out I'm going crazy insanity- well that too.  
I am talking about the true mental illness kind.  

I can see so clearly how quickly and easily someone could slip into a mental illness.
I know too much that even on my lowest moments of the day I can pull myself out of it.
I have studied the brain enough in college to know that what my brain is doing is "normal." 
It's not what I thought it would do with faced with this trial.
I thought I would be composed, and lovely, and full of light, and full of the spirit. 
Nope, I am the verge of craziness trial goer.

Where is the poise, and refinement?
Where is my Kathy Walther response to what has happened?
She is so gracious and beautiful despite losing her daughter and husband at the same time.
I am in Awe of her.  How does she do it?

When I look in the mirror I see a raging lunatic full of ugliness that wants to just disappear into the floorboards.  I don't think anyone could possibly handle the death of their child as awful as I am.
Is there some code?
An unspoken ability to understand?
What is the secret?
No one is telling me.  I get email after email about how someday I will feel "better."
I just ache every single minute of every day.
My poor kids and poor husband...  I've got nothing.
Just emptiness

"Give your self time" they tell me.
Meanwhile this ship is sinking.

What do I do?

The human brain is such a mystery as to why it works a certain way in certain people.
My brain although jaded and on an endless torture cycle...has saved me.

I don't know why my brain is this way
Why I can although tempted, resist the mental illness that is knocking on my door.
I am so glad I have my brain today. 

I do have a new understanding and love for those who have lost
and are continuing to suffer from a mental illness.
The denial can take hold and create an alternate reality.

My reality is awful, but the way I am feeling is "normal"
Although, it is not what I expected. 

Next to normal makes me cry
My life makes me cry
every stupid day.

Oct 27, 2012

It feels like...


You know the surge of pain you feel for the 15 seconds after you 
misjudge your step and you jam your toes?

You hop around thinking
Aaaahhhhh!  I'm an idiot!
Why did I do that?
It hurts it hurts it hurts

Then you hold your breath followed by taking short breaths until the pain subsides a little.
I usually fall down and grab my toes and squeeze my foot to somehow connect to the pain.

Maybe if I hold my feet the blood will stop pulsating in my toes.  

The pain eventually goes away... 

This is how life without my Mia feels everyday.  
When my mind thinks of her darling little face and her  happy dancing, and happy screaming, and perfect personality, my mind immediately switches to how she was yanked away from me...

The anguish shoots to my heart and the toe stubbing cycle commences
There is nothing to hold on to 
No counting down until the pain is relieved a little
It just hurts constantly when I am awake
It's a pain that is taking up residency in my heart

If feels a lot like stubbing my toe because It was such a shock, completely unexpected. 
It is not the most painful thing, but you are never ready for it and it hurts like hell!
For those initial moments you think you might have actually removed some toes.
You look down to see your toes intact.

I feel like I look around and around all day long and find nothing intact.
Nothing in my life is intact.

I am not a stranger to "real" pain.  
I think the most physical pain I have ever been in was following my last heart surgery
A year into my college education I had my 3rd heart surgery. It is called the Ross.
I so vividly remember my mother who could only move me up in bed by putting all of her body weight against mine to lift me up. 

My back and chest hurt so badly from the operation
It was awful.
I was prepared for this pain... I knew it was coming and was part of the deal. 

If I didn't stay on top of my pain medicine, (which was often because I thought it was a measure of my strength) I was paralyzed because crying only made matters worse.
Any movement of my chest, at all, sent me into so much pain I wanted to pass out. 
Coughing and sneezing were out of the question-

I remember being brave and gritting my teeth and KNOWING that in a few weeks I would be back to my ambitious college self.  I was right.  I recovered quickly and was back doing my thing.  I will always have the memories of being a prisoner to that pain.  It seems so stupid to me now that I didn't just take the medicine- so stupid.  I had nothing to prove, I was the only one, who suffered because I continually explained my pain was far less that it actually was. I was trying to be tough and strong and enjoyed knowing how "impressive" it was that I didn't take that many pain relieving medications. 

What was I thinking?  I needed it. I did. 
Was that pain in preparation?

I doubt it!  
That pain was a walk in the park compared to this hellish nightmare.  Walk in the park. 


It feels like all of the heart surgeries in the world would not hold a flame to this pain.  Part of me has been taken away, and it's the part of me that produces the most pain. 
That is how I feel on a daily basis.  
In AGONY!!!
No medication or time is going to heal this... despite what everyone keeps telling me. 
I am well aware of pain that resolves- this is not that pain.
It's unbearable. 
It's too much to ask of me- 
Just like the surprising toe stubbing pain, however this will not resolve it just keeps throbbing
I can't put pressure on my heart
There is no medication for this 
I just have to grit my teeth everyday and wonder what in the world I could have possibly done to warrant such an intense amount of pain everyday. 
What did I do?  It's as if the Lord knew the one thing that could truly destroy me.
That is where I'm at.  Destroyed!

She was mine.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away

Mia!  
I just need You!

Oct 26, 2012

Sickness

I am Sick
I feel physically Sick
Mentally Sick
Emotionally Sick
Spiritually Sick
Eternally Sick

There is no remedy
I can't think my way out of it
My body does what it will
I am SICK!

I am Sick


You know who wasn't Sick?  

Mia!

She was fine!

She was tired
Her body was tired

They should not have sent her to the cath lab
It was a bad WRONG awful decision

He should have transferred her

Why didn't he transfer her?

She was fine.

It was a 20 minute trip in a helicopter

She would still be here.
I miss her so much I can't handle the most minuscule task.
Being here without her is not an ability of mine
I can't do this
I don't want to do this. 

I am Sick
There is no Remedy
I am sentenced to Sickness

Oct 25, 2012

Mia's Favorite Song


My sweetest Mia

Her favorite song, the one I loved to sing to her every night

She used to request "thinga ma bobs"

Then it became "look at this stuff"

My soul yearns to sing her this song again and see her eyes dancing with that sweet smile on her face.

I just want to reach through this screen and have her.
The way she twists her hair while she sings, her sweet little expression.
The way she holds her arms, and moves around shyly...
I am not cut out for living without her.

Nat recorded this darling girl singing her song

I just wish I could go into her room right now and give her a kiss while she's sleeping.
I hate my life now that she is not here to twirl her hair and sing.

Watching this does help
Oh how I miss her
My heart hurts 

Writing on the Wall


Yes, she had a transplant

Was the writing on the wall?

NO!

NO! 

NO!!

When Mia was an infant she had a blessing that clearly stated she would live a LONG and HEALTY life.  LONG!! LONG!!

4 years is not LONG!


I held fast to the words of this blessing- often repeating them in my head over and over during biopsies or sickness.  I always had an absolute faith we would get through it. Long and Healthy... done and done. I of course prayed all the way because that is just what you do. You pray when you have a transplant kiddo.  So many prayers about so many things.  I always prayed, but always too comfort from my faith in the words of her baby blessing. 

Long and Healthy life.  

The writing was NOT on the wall. 

She was fine.

People are living with transplanted hearts for years and years.

I always in my heart KNEW that Mia was going to be the transplant recipient to have babies of her own. It was a known fact in my mind.  Known fact.

Someone pulled the rug out.

The writing was never on the wall- ever.

When we got the call that someone had chosen to save her life- it was her LIFE they saved.
We ran with that and never looked back.

I was all in... never doubting her future... not for a minute.

I was so confident in her living a long and healthy life.
I had confidence in that blessing.
I knew it would come true.

You can imagine my internal conflict now being forced to live without my girl, always knowing she would live a long and healthy life.

So do I now cautiously believe in my own blessings?
I just can't work this out.

Long and Healthy life.  That's what it said.




Oct 24, 2012

Teenager Brain


I don't want to offend the teenagers in my life with this post-
I love the teenagers in my life.
This is more a description of the way my brain worked... when I was a teenager


When I was a teenager I remember a handful of experiences that altered my way of thinking
I use the term "teenager brain" to describe the intense way of thinking that usually curbs during the college years. 

Something life shattering that happens to you at 16 would probably not even make a dent in your twenties. I could honestly say my most embarrassing story back then would be something I would now simply laugh about and soon forget.

Back then there was no seeing past tomorrow

No talking it out

Life was OVER

Giving up was the only answer 

I can remember one specific experience 
(which will be for another day)

I could not sleep
I thought my life was over
I just knew with 100% certainty that this would never resolve
ever

There couldn't possibly be anything worse- 


Teenager brain will not allow you to calm down 
or hear the voice of reason in your head
or allow you to know that someday you will be ok. 

Since High School and thanks to wonderful professors at Ricks College I escaped teenager brain and feel like I have had a very healthy adult outlook on pretty much everything that is thrown at me. 
It will be Ok
Everything will be OK
It's not that bad- this will give me experience
No sweat
I got thisss!
I can handle it
No prob.
This stinks, but it could be worse

Completely healthy adult outlook on things that were placed in my path.
This was the way my brain worked 2 weeks ago.

I was holding Mia in a hospital, they took her to the cath lab, and her heart stopped. 











Now, by default
I have reverted back to teenager brain.  
I intensely believe that I will never be OK
My eyes are wide open every night rehashing that week
My mind is flooded with sadness, anger, and frustration
This is horrendous
I can't handle it!
It could not possibly be worse.
Giving up seems like the only answer.
I used to joke about curling up in the fetal position, and now it's real!
That is not just something people say
My mind is filled with unbridled ugliness
Every sad emotion becomes more intense than the last,
 and I am exhausted from having my brain on hyper drive all the time.


Teenager Brain has become my new way of thinking.
Maybe someday... in a long time
My healthy thoughts will reign victorious over all of these ugly ones. 


Oct 23, 2012

Distracted by Day Devastated by Night


How are the kids and John holding up?
I get asked often by those closest to me...

They are Distracted by day Devastated by night. 
I don't have answers for them.
I feel like I have told them that we will see her again a million times. 
My words don't subdue their sadness.
Tonight Ells came into my room and in a quiet voice said:  "Mom I wrote a song for Mia."
I try so hard to not cry all the time in front of my kids
It alarms them.
I told her I would love to hear it.
In a soft sweet voice to a tune completely of her own she sang the words:


There is something that needs to change
and it is the sadness

and her name was Mia... I love her so much 
I will always love her
I will always love her

I have been crying for so many days

I love you Mia.

xoxoxoxo

She wrote it all down on a paper from which I am translating.
At the bottom of the page is a picture of her and Mia together

I asked Ellie to sing it to me again- as she sang she demonstrated more beauty and grace in that moment than ever before.
Ellie is nurturing beyond her years.

After she completed the song she could tell that I was very touched
She gave me a hug and then quietly whispered as she walked out...

I'm going to go write a letter to Mia.

Today I found the letter, it reads:

Mia I love you so much
I love the way that you laughed and giggled
I have been crying 
Mia you were so nice to me
Next time I see you I want to play with you
Mia I love you

xox

Ellie has requested a helium tank so we can put letters in balloons and send a message to Mia everyday.  She asked me if we sent balloons up everyday if Mia would get them.

I told her: "I hope so."

Ellie is so tender hearted and misses that girl like crazy.
She came home from school and told me that she cried.
I just want to take away her sorrow.

Ellie can have no regrets about her life with Mia.  She loved her up every single day and gave her the best of herself.  Ells was protective and generous beyond her years.

It hurts me to know that she now has to grow up with out her sister.
It just doesn't make sense
She needs her


How is Jense?

He hung up some pictures yesterday and came in and told me that he was crying looking at them.
He wants to put pictures of Mia everywhere
I told him that is a good idea.

Jense seems to be OK during the day, but is always sad at night
He was a great big brother and always talked to Mia in a sweet, loving, not typical of any nine year old I know voice.  He loved her so much.

How is Sammers?

The boy is truly racking my soul with anguish

Today we got a package in the mail from a friend.
Sammers opened it and gasped.

"It's for MEANA!"
"MEANA!"

He was calling for her to come open her gift.
He saw the Minnie Mouse and was so anxious and excited for her to have it.
He kept saying:
"It's MEANA'S!"

He plays all day the same stuff that he used to play with Mia. He always had a buddy and she is not there.  They were always in cahoots  Always.
Sammy now sits in the tubby alone
He used to run full speed down the hall with Mia
They would run as fast as they could from our room to Mia's room and back again.
When they crossed paths they would stop in front of each other and scream with delight.
They entertained themselves and it was a joy to just sit back and watch.

They ran from room to room often.
Those happy squeals are now a memory
I wish I had recorded it.
It was just everyday life, but I would give anything to see it again



How is John?

Johnboy
He is strong.  He seems to be OK on the surface but then he will walk in the room with
red swollen eyes.

He is suffering too

He has lots of moments of being back to his true self - while I feel like the old Mimi is long gone.

He has a lot on his plate
He misses his baby tremendously, he has to deal with a wife who missed the Sunday school lesson on coping with trials, and kids who still need normalcy.
He is the one spinning all the plates, while I keep throwing plates at him.

I have been told over and over and over again how wonderful John is these past weeks.
I know he is!  This is why I married the man.
It is easy to observe his greatness
He truly is by all definitions - great.

Sometimes I feel like I am being punished or something ridiculous for having a good life. Like we reached the limit on happiness or something and need to be cut back down to size.
Is my husband too great?
Too wonderful?
Is this why this crap is happening?
We're  we too happy for mortality the we needed pain to counter balance the universe?
It sounds so stupid, but it has crossed my mind often.

His husband hood is unique- ask those closest to us if you think I'm just saying that.
John is in pain he is but he is trying desperately to hold it together.

He misses his girl and yet he spends his time and energy trying to make ME feel better, make ME happy, make ME laugh.
Enter more self loathing if it is possible. How selfish can I be?
Yet, I can't help it - I am compelled to be miserable, and angry, and devastated.
It's who I am it seems.

Yesterday I did laugh.  It felt nice.

I don't know how he does what he does.  This morning I had a small glimpse of our "old life" he started serenading me while I was in the shower.
You are pretty much trapped when you are in the shower so there is no running away
no hiding from the potential happiness.
I stood there trying to be annoyed.

He started singing a boyz 2 men song called end of the road
Chances are you know this song

John has a great voice
one he does not like to share
He made it through the first verse in true John fashion... very intensely.
 His voice exaggerating each syllable and going completely overboard with his dancing and hand interpretations of the song.

John is very good at mockery- he did CDT (contemporary dance theater) spin offs while we were dating... all to make me laugh of course.  I must mention that although he was was singing like he was mocking boyz 2 men.  They are his number one group.  That era of music defines the man.
I think it is funny, but wouldn't change that about him.

Once he made it through the first verse I think my smiling and rolling my eyes encouraged him to continue. Part of his serenading always consists of random parts of the song he doesn't sing at all. He just says them in a really monotone voice like in the song when it says,
"It's unnatural, you belong to me.."
He will just stop the dancing, stop the singing and with a straight face say, "It's unnatural" slightly shaking his head.  Then he will pick back up. I don't know how his brain can prepare in advance which phrases will be the most funny said with no emotion what soever, but he does it.

Once the second verse started he started singing it the same as before but then suddenly switched his voice to bass.  If you have not heard him do this before it is heelarious.
I caved, I laughed... a lot.

He is possibly the funniest person I know
I don't think anyone will ever know besides me just how truly funny he is.
He comes up with stuff that to me seems so genius.

How does he do it?


This is also the way I feel about Mia.  Will anyone besides myself truly grasp how glorious she was? Truly?  She was the embodiment of adorable.  It haunts me every minute of every day.
I breathed in her glory everyday, now I'm expected to live without it?



When I finally caved in and laughed out loud he put his face where the two glass doors meet and said,
"You like me."

This was his response to my laughter because all I say to him all day every day is:

"I HATE EVERYTHING!"

   

Oct 22, 2012

So What?

So What?
So I'm just supposed to "carry on"?
like I'm OK?
Put one foot in front of the other?
One step at a time?
One breath at a time?
Take things day by day?

I don't want to!
I feel like I am being crushed-
This is all a load of CRAP!
sorry mom.


So what?
Try to live without her?
We all need her.


She's EVERYWHERE



Mia is Everywhere
I can't touch her

I hear her medicine alarm going off in the morning and at night
I start to ask John sometimes late in the evening if he gave her her night time meds- then I stop in my tracks remembering that there is no one to give medicine to.

4 year long routines cannot be eliminated overnight. 

A ball and umbrella she was playing with are still sitting in the corner of my room that she last touched.

All of the toys she was playing with in the tub

The Day before we left to go on her wish trip Mia and Sammers filled a plastic bin with crackers and cereal and took it into the backyard to go on a picnic.  They had the bin half full and I just thought it was adorable that they planned and executed their own picnic together.

The bin is still outside

Her clothes

Her bed

Her backpack still holds a paper from preschool

Her ride on princess toy is in the kitchen

I can see her class playing at the playground during recess through my kitchen window

Her strollers still have babies in them

Sammy pushes them around by himself now

All of her hair Pretties 

Her blankets

Her shoes

Her towels

She is everywhere

Her toy car is outside on the drive way-
 she decided a few weeks ago when i was painting the chairs that she would paint her car.  
It is still painted.

Sammy watches Bo-on the Go and Yo Gabba Gabba 
Mia loved those shows and sang all the songs.
I think she is in there with him and I go check and she is not

Her cups, bottles, toys she loved
are all here, I see them everyday.

I anticipate seeing her face the moment I wake up in the morning
When my eyes open a shot of awareness enters my being and despair courses through my veins signaling my brain of my daily torture. The thought of her little face not greeting me punctures my heart and any rest or escape from the hours of sleep is gone.

Sadness settles in every morning
It's like groundhogs day from Hell

That little girl was my heart
The most precious thing with what I always believed would be a life long purpose here.
4 years is not enough


She is Everywhere
but I can't touch her

Oct 21, 2012

Not Today

My blog is becoming my only outlet.
I will not be offended if you cannot read anymore.
I wouldn't want to read it-
It's too much for me and I'm the one typing.
I don't want to take others down with me...


My family went to church today
I helped get them ready then answered the call of my bed.
Sammers changed his mind at the last minute and stayed with me. 

I will not be going to church today
I refuse to sit there without my Mia

We have a tradition on Sundays
She always wanted me to trace her hand with a crayon onto a piece of paper.
Then she would trace mine.
We did this over and over

She also always took a trip to the restroom with Ells during every sacrament meeting.
Mia was programmed to go to the bathroom during sacrament. 
I loved watching her walk out hand in hand with her big sister with a big smile on her face.
People often commented to me what a sweet heart she was walking in and out of sacrament meeting.
She had the most angelic happy look on her face. 


I will not go and be tortured by how bad it hurts that she will not be tracing my hand.
I will not go and see all of the happy families sitting there with all their happiness and joy.
I will not sing hymns of praise and gratitude

I will not go sit in primary looking two rows in front of me where she always sat.  
Sweet as can be waiting for her turn to be a helper
Mia loved going to church- she was the perfect little sunbeam
She turned around often and waved, and looked at me with her flirty eyes.
She always looked to me after a song or anything she participated in
She looked for my approval and I always gave it to her.
Her eyes sparkled when she saw my expression.
I was always beaming with pride at every move she made.
I loved watching her sit there so precious and reverent and sweet.
I'm so glad I got to witness her as a sunbeam
She truly brings new meaning to the word sunbeam
She was the brightest light in this world

Oh how I miss her 
The anguish I feel knowing I will never again see her sitting there in her "chuuch dress."


She will not be there, so I will not be there. 


Not Today


Sammers and I decided to take a flower to "Meana"
We loaded up in the car and made the short drive to the cemetery.
Sammy said,
"let's go see Meana" the whole way there.

When we got there all of the flowers that were still vibrant a few days ago are now brown and wilting.
We walked around to the small sign with her picture on it.

Sammy said, "Where's Meana?"
I told him that Meana was in heaven.

Sammy: "No, Meana's at the hospital, she's taking a nap."
"Where's Meana?"
"Less go get her"

He walked around with the little flower in his hand for his big sis and asked me over and over again where his Meana was.

In that moment I wish we could just be done with this life.
His sweet little body walking around looking for his sis
It's not just me that can't handle this pain
Sammy wants to give the flower to his sis.
He can't find her.

I tried to tell him that she was in Heaven.

He just kept saying:

"Let's go find Meana."

I am not OK

Not Today

Oct 20, 2012

Everyones Worst Nightmare

I was trying to describe how I felt to someone yesterday.
I did not do a very good job.
When I got home I was reminded of an experience that feels a lot like my life.


Haunted Houses were never my thing.

When I went in high school I tried not to let on that I was terrified.  
The long line leading up to the entrance I had extreme anxiety.
Who scares themselves on purpose?  

Once in entered into the obstacle course of horror, my heart rate immediately shot up and I held my breathe. I was never ready for the people jumping out at you... screaming in your face, and just walking up to you with a crazed look in their eye.
I always had the same response to haunted houses.
Get in- don't pass out- GET OUT!

The easiest way for me to accomplish this was to simply close my eyes.
I knew I would see their scary faces while I was trying to sleep at night.
I often just linked up with my girl friend or whoever I was at the haunted house with
and took tiny steps with my head buried as far as it could be into my other arm.
I didn't want to see any of it, and if I couldn't see them, they couldn't scare me.
I kept them closed only opening a tiny bit now and again to look at my feet.

The anticipation of the chain saw guy at the end was always an indicator that it was over
I knew it was coming and knew I would be terrified, and I think they can sense who is the most scared
because they ALWAYS came after me with their ridiculously loud chain saw.

In my mind I had fallen down and they were standing over me chain saw in the air.
In reality my legs were running as fast as they could.

When I made it out of the temple of doom or whatever it was called I took in a huge breath 
and felt an overwhelming joy to be out of that fabricated horror movie.
It was all pretend
It wasn't real
I could go home now get in my bed and forget all about it.
I was safe. 



A few years back we went with our friends Annalisa and JD to a haunted house.
It seemed like a fun thing to do after a twelve year absence.

This one particular haunted house in Seattle had a section with
no people
no chainsaw
no fake blood stained faces
nothing jumping out at you...

It did have a dark passageway-


It was a tunnel made from some sort of parachute material with a forced air source on both sides of the passageway. It felt like being trapped between two hot hair balloons fully inflated.

I literally had to push my way through while enveloped by this material.  I was pushing on both sides of  the walls of fabric,  stretching my hands out to my sides, but that didn't help... the material just wrapped around them.  It was pitch black, I could not see anything in front of me or behind me.  At this point I was not holding John's hand and I tried to reach out in front of me for him because I was uneasy being in there. He wasn't there, no one was.  They must have made it through.  I started taking little steps reaching out in front of me hoping to run into another person.  I was cautious because I didn't want to be surprised at the end of the tunnel with a chainsaw or some crazy cast member.

I kept walking and I remember having the thought that people probably have panic attacks in there because if you don't put your hands in front of you there is just fabric to breath.  It suctions to you and you are compelled to just push through in hopes that you will step out with plenty of room to breathe.

I kept walking and eventually I made it through into a a glowing room
I was relieved it was over
I felt so vulnerable
Not in control of my path
Not knowing when it would end and what it was
What was waiting for me.

This is exactly what my life feels like right now.
I am suffocating with what I thought my life was, what it was going to be.
I am terrified of the future
I can barely breathe
I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack at various parts of my day
When will I step out of this?
I keep circling around and around not making any progress toward not feeling suffocated
I look around all day wondering how my life will ever be ok
It will not
I cannot see past this
The black is taking ahold of my soul
The anger is not subsiding
The uneasiness feels permanent.

Despite this section of the haunted house all of the other things did not scary me.
When the guy with a crazy look in his eye was standing one inch from me I just laughed.
Everything that rocked my world as a teenager was gone.
It was all funny and silly and nothing they did could possibly scared me.
I have experienced too much life to take them seriously.
It was comical
None of that could scare me

At that point in my life the only thing that could truly scare me...
that was my worst nightmare-
that is every one's worst nightmare-


Is losing one of my children.

I am living my very worst nightmare.

I have lost her
I am lost without her

Where is the chainsaw guy?
Where is the light of the moon to tell you that you are safe?
The inviting bed to rest in?
This nightmare is not pretend

It is painfully real
I can't imagine my life this way
It's too horrific.

Oct 19, 2012

Grief

The word "Grief" seems to me like a soft white cosy fluffy description of what I am feeling.  I would love to feel grief.  Grief seems like something you feel when the printer jams, or you burn the food you were cooking on the stove, or anything that would make you throw your hands in the air temporarily and say, "good grief!" to.  

I am experiencing grief yes, but what I am feeling feels like doom.  Like I have been sentenced to despair and unhappiness. There is a fog I can't seem to get through.  My heart and mind are trying to resolve this and it fails day after day.  It doesn't make any sense and it will never make any sense.  I have to live everyday wondering why.  One year, five years, ten years down the road I will still be living without my precious Mia.  I can't wrap my brain around it. I just can't.  Nothing adds up.  My state of mind reminds me of a toddler having a tantrum.  I just want her and I will be internally kicking and screaming for the rest of my life.  

Today the first bill from Florida came in the mail today.  So that is nice.  Great little reminder.
The bill is for her echo.  
I wish I could go back to that echo. 
I should have taken her to the hospital that treats transplant children and not allowed them to proceed with treating her.  I wish I could.  
Things might be different.  
They would have just treated the rejection with drugs and we would have been on our way.
Instead she went to the cath lab with her heart in rejection and exhausted and her tiny system couldn't handle the stress.  Not to mention that she was all loaded up on medication that she did not need.  
Why did I not insist they transfer her?  
Why?

I am so filled with regrets it is too much to bear.  
I should have taken her to cardiologists that take care of transplant kids.  
I should have.

I know it is not my fault and I can't blame myself
That knowledge does not help one bit
You can't just decide not to feel a certain way.

In my stomach I feel like I should have known to transfer her
I blindly trusted them, and her heart stopped.
It feels like my heart stops every time I think about her sitting there in the bed waiting to go to the cath lab.  I just wanted to treat her and take her to Disney World.  
I had no idea that things would transpire the way they did.  No idea!

I feel like this is the most horrible thing I have ever heard of-
and it's My LIFE! 


I am so angry so angry! and anger doesn't sit well with me. It simple doesn't suit me.
I am not OK with myself being so angry- it is uncomfortable and it's awful!

She is in a better place I know.  My beliefs about where she is have always been firm and the same as they were when I had all of my children. 
 I don't want anyone to question my faith that I know she is with a loving Father in Heaven. 
I know that for sure.  I just want to scream from the roof tops that this knowledge that I have, this firm belief DOES NOT TAKE AWAY ANY PAIN!
I want her in THIS life! I want her NOW! and I don't want to spend my life with a huge whole in it. 

I just can't sort it out on my brain as to why I must live in such misery everyday.  This is the plan for me?  To just miss her and want her and feel like I am going to throw up all the time thinking about my future.  I am on this earth to be a mom.  All I want to do is be a mom.  My greatest joy is being a mom- why is this taken from me?

Anything else... anything.  There is so much evil in the world and Mia was lovely and pure and honestly the sweetest thing that ever was.  It is just too much for me.  The number one phrase I get from everyone is: "I can't even imagine."  Neither can I!  I truly can't.  I keep waiting to wake up.  This can't be real- it just can't.  The pain is too horrible- horrible.  
The mental anguish and the stabs of pain in my heart is always there.  

I have had a few moments of clarity now and again... a few
Mostly I am sick. Like no turning back sick.
I miss her and want to hold her and truly do not want to carry on with normal life. 
My life will never be normal without her. 

Aaaaahhhhhhh!  I wish there was an opt out button
My life was so lovely and blessed and now it's day after day of feeling suffocated.
Have I mentioned that I am really really hoping the Mayans are right!?
Really truly! Wouldn't that be lovely? See my girlie in December   
Go Mayans 2012! 
I'm totally serious incase you think this is a joke.  

Please don't take this as a cry for help.  I am just a broken hearted mama desperate for her daughter and finds that "talking" it out helps ever so slightly.    

Despite feeling like mortality was the wrong choice in the pre existence there are some truly wonderful people on this earth.  I don't know when I will get around to responding to all of the words of comfort and sweet messages about my baby girl, but please know I appreciate them.  I am overwhelmed with the love and know how sincere the messages are.  It is touching. 

She is loved by so many and hearing of how she affected your lives for the better gives me moments of peace throughout my day.  Thank you. I want everyone to remember her and know what a darling girl she was.  WAS! I can't believe I had to type that word.  It's too much. It's all too much. 

I'm hoping for the sake of my children I can attempt to shake the sadness...at least while they are awake. I do love my children so much. Soo much!

Today Sammers came into my room and sweetly said, "mom, get off of the bed."
I'm sad that he said that.  I feel like I have nothing to give anyone... and never will.

Stupid. Everything


Oct 18, 2012

Eyes



I miss her so much! I miss her sweet little eyes looking at me
The most precious little eyes- I need to see her eyes
The sting of her not being here is as awful as it was a week ago
I miss this little peanut, more than words can describe
The pain is real
It hurts.  all day.  everyday.

I am not the first person to lose a child
Why does it feel like I am
This is too awful for anyone to go through
Mortality is mean and vicious 

I just want to rewind
or fast forward
anywhere but here

I feel like I can't breath
I Hate this!

Oct 16, 2012

Awakening

Today some of Mia's things arrived from Give kids the world.  It was a duffle bag full of things that should have made her make a wish trip a wonderful adventure.  


The shirt to match a perfectly handmade minnie mouse skirt
Princess dress-up clothes for her princess breakfast
A name badge 
A Minnie key chain 
Matching shirts for the family
Minnie ponchos for sea-world and the rides that get you wet
A Minnie purse filled with all of her "hair pretties" 
Mia's Shoes
Souvenirs Ellie and I picked out for Mia prior to the trip
Pillows from a tree that gives out pillows
All of the gifts from the "gift fairy" that she will never open. 
She will never wear the skirt, she will never open the gifts, she will not dress up in her new Ariel dress.
All of the items are piled up in my room
Just sitting there reminding me of the awful truth that she will not use them.


I want to use them. 
I want to take her on the trip we had planned.
It just feels so wrong
She was so excited.
This was her reward for having a challenging life
She just wanted to meet Minnie and Mickey
That's all. She was so close.
One day away
ONE DAY!


It feels so cruel
So mean
So Terrible
Who does that?
The timing of it all makes me feel like I have been kicked in the stomach
Then stabbed in the heart
I am not handling this well
at all
Stop telling me I am strong- I am not
I am defeated and heartbroken


The most precious girl-
Why couldn't she just have this?
It was her big wish
Wishes are beautiful and lovely
This is ugly and awful


I am so angry and filled with rage
I want to break things
I am hurt 
I am devastated
The damage is done
It is just mean
and hurtful
and terrible
Will the anger go away?
Will the sadness subside in my lifetime?

I have a hard time believe that I will ever be OK with the timing of her leaving this earth
I will never be OK
I will never be OK
I will never be OK

I am so sad I don't know what to do
Sammy has been asking for her all day... and I want to take him to her

BUT  I  CAN'T!!!
He just wants his sis. I just want my baby girl.

Oct 15, 2012

Today



I can't do this

I don't want to do this

The pain is too much

I need her

She is everything good

the good is gone

I just want her

she was mine

why can't I have her?

I need her

It's too much to ask

I feel empty and lost

I keep thinking she is going to run into my room

My heart will not last

It won't

I need her

It hurts more than any physical pain

I need her

she was fine

she was fine

Oct 11, 2012

Oct 10, 2012

Obituary for my Baby Girl





Mia Marie McDonald - 2008-2012 Mia Marie McDonald, beloved daughter of John and Marie “Mimi” Jensen McDonald returned home to her Heavenly Parents on October 8, 2012. Mia was born on July 8, 2008, in Seattle, Washington. Mia came into this world with challenges, but our baby girl came prepared to live life fully. Her family knew from the time of her birth that she would need a heart transplant. After many prayers on her behalf, Mia received the much awaited heart transplant when she was just four months old, from her angel heart donor Jacob. She is our little miracle and we feel blessed for every day we had with her. She had a special way of endearing others to her and connected with people everywhere she went. Her sunny and infectious personality would fill any room. She loved music and would dance instinctively. She loved singing primary songs, playing with her “babies,” coloring, eating “chocits” going to preschool, calling her “Aunt Nats,” giving “essimo kisses” and giggling. We will miss her affectionate, sweet, spunky and fun personality. This darling girl had a mischievous side and she would relish teasing her brothers and sisters, and loved when people would laugh when she said something funny. Mia exuded joy. Her tiny body radiated light every day of her life. Last week, the Make-A-Wish Foundation granted Mia’s special wish to meet Minnie Mouse in Disney World. Upon arrival, she became ill and after being hospitalized her heart stopped beating. Although her heart recovered, the trauma to her tiny brain could not recover from injuries incurred while they were trying to resuscitate her. Darling Mia never made it to Disney World, but she will be giving someone else the gift of life by now being on the giving end of organ donation. Although few, we will cherish the sweet years we shared with our golden curled beauty, Mia. She will be dearly missed by her parents, her brothers Jensen and Sam, and her adoring second mother, her sister Ellie. She is also survived by her grandparents Sid and Cindy Jensen of Midway, UT, Dean and Laura Conway of Spanaway, WA, and Vern and Carol McDonald of Lakewood, WA, as well as numerous aunts, uncles, and 60 cousins. She was preceded in death by her great-grandparents Murray Giles, Fred and Aliene Jensen, Howard and Shirley Hallmeyer, and Floyd Vernon McDonald. We love you Miss Meena, our arms and hearts ache to be with you and hold you. We anxiously await the time when we will be reunited. “I missed you in na night!” Funeral services will be held at 11am on Saturday, October 13 at the Midway Stake Center. A gathering will be held from 6pm to 8pm on Friday Oct 12th, and one hour prior to the services on Saturday. Mia will be interred in the Midway Cemetery. Please join us in the celebration of her courageous, joyful, life.

Oct 2, 2012

We're off to Florida!


Meeska Mooska Mickey Mouse!!
This little girl is off to the most magical place on earth!  


She has been doing the happy dance all week.  
Tonight she finished opening all of the gifts from Make A Wish. 
She loves the barbie car... a lot.  
I need to take a picture of all the gifties. Someday.


Is she not the cutest little Minnie Mouse eared darlin' you've ever seen!?  
I can't wait for her to meet Minnie in person and all of the princesses. She will be in Heaven, and so will the rest of us.  My kids are NEVER going to be the same after this vacation I can feel it. 

Buckle Up for an onslaught of blogs about Mia's Wish Trip.  
You are about to be inundated... fair warning. :-)