Jan 15, 2013

A place to call Home

Spending the last week in Washington felt like we never left.  All of familiar places and people, and smells and feelings.  We even took the kids back to our house in Washington.  It was the place we took Mia home to.  We spent her first years there.  We fell in love with her and felt so much love.  It is a sacred place... in my heart.  I stood in her room.  It is repainted now, but I had vivid memories of being in there with her.  This house is where she learned so many things... how to eat, how to walk, all of the laughing... oh the laughing.  I have so many happy memories of my family in that house.  I was bright eye'd and a happy mother who had been saved from heartache.  Saved from the awful horrific side of motherhood living on the earth without my child.  My happiness had been spared.  I was happy.  The day Mia got her heart I never looked back.  I tried to only let positive thoughts about her future enter my brain.  When we had little set backs I always self talked my way back to her being fine... and she always was.  She recovered from tiny little rounds of rejection with no problem.  Maybe I should have mentally been more prepared for this but why live like that?  Why prepare or think about not living with your precious child for even one day?  That is just not like me... I never had the mentality of "we don't know how long we'll have her, but we'll love her as long as we have her."

I was shouting Hallelulah and praising God that we got to keep her.  That was it.  Bottom line.  We got to keep her.  No one is guaranteed to have anyone in their life for an entire lifetime, but I for some reason assumed that this was different.  I was just too assuming. Too assuming that I would walk her to preschool everyday this year, too assuming I would fly with her to Oregon to talk about organ donation, too assuming I would take her to her first dance class, too assuming that someday I would hide money under her pillow as the tooth fairy, too assuming I would witness her put her arms around her donor's mother, too assuming I would tuck her in into bed and sing her songs for years, too assuming I would have time to do so many things I wanted to do for her.  I was just too assuming!!! Too assuming... assuming that it was a cure all.  It was supposed to be.  She was given a perfect heart.  It was beating strong up until those last moments.  He wouldn't take her after she fought so hard for so long.  Right? She made it.  We were home, happy, and now the task of loving our lives and providing our children with happy childhoods.  Simple enough right?

Yes, you are told that there are ups and downs of transplant, but the success rate is wonderful. Wonderful!  You don't get into a car to drive into town thinking that there is a chance I could crash this car.  We drive cars every single day.  It rarely crosses my mind.  People are killed in car crashes everyday.  I handed her over to trained professionals to give her a cath and her heart stopped!! WHY!?!  WHY!?!  It is not supposed to be this way.  I hate that it happened this way, when it did, and at ALL!  I was completely caught off guard.  punched in the stomach. life little sucked out of me.  How did this happen?

It just doesn't feel ok. nothing feels ok.  She should be here.
I am not handling my life today... it feels so mean that she is not here.  I know it is not a punishment, but my heart would strongly disagree.

As we were driving home from Washington I felt a fleeting tinge of relief when we came over the mountain and I saw the valley lights glowing down below. I always get excited when the valley appears after driving around a certain part of the mountain.  For one second I felt the peace of putting all of my kids to bed safely at home.  My mind plays tricks on me often this way.  Not five seconds passed when my brain caught up with my peace and the agony that I would not be tucking in my Mia burned into me like a scorching branding iron.  The last five minutes of the trip I could not have felt more unwelcome.  I do not belong here.  I do not belong anywhere where Mia is not.  It feels so unnatural.  Washington doesn't feel like home because she is not there.  Utah does not feel like home because she is not here.  That settling feeling of truly belonging has left me.  No place will feel like home without all of us together.  Something will always be missing.  She will always be missing.

There is nothing I want more than to be home with my husband and children... all of them.  I don't want anything else in mortality.  I just want them.  Nothing else. I want to feel at home, but fear I am longing for something I will never have.

The worst feeling in the world is wanting to be with someone so badly and knowing that you will never get to... at least in this lifetime.  This is a new emotion for me.  How do people survive this?  Day after day heartache... with no possible resolution?  I need that little girl.  so much!

 Every day I want her and everyday I get to look at pictures and videos of her, but that is barely keeping me sane.  I want my girlie.  Writing now,  in this moment it still feels like this truly can't be true!  Can it?  It just can't be true!  It's impossible.  How long can this go on?  It's too much- and the coping mechanism in my brain has reached it's max.  It is so unsettling to try and live life when simply living without someone you love so much, just feels wrong.  I am told often that time will help.  time time time.  When does the cloud and fog of despair lift?  It doesn't feel like time will help that to dissipate.       

I feel like I am at a crossroads where I could allow this to emotionally destroy me and just give into the sadness and depression. OR I somehow... to be honest I don't know the other option.  It involves not letting it destroy me.  I am trying to keep up with my commitments and keep my children happy, but my heart aches so much all day everyday.  The damage is great and I do want my life to be wonderful.  I just feel like I can't accept that there is a chance that life will be OK without my Mia.  I just don't think I will ever mentally be at a  place where I can honestly say that I am alright.  I will always want her. I will always need her and I will ALWAYS be trying to live my life, without her.

I would love to feel at home again.  But how?