Jan 26, 2013

Except Mimi's

I was visiting with a few friends the other night.  
We talked about a lot of things.  People have difficult experiences in their lives.  It seems no one is exempt from trials.  Even if it appears so, chances are they are not. 

There was a pause and a friend said, "I just want to trade lives with someone."
She immediately followed up this statement with, 
"Except Mimi's... I'll never want to trade lives with her."

It's true.  This didn't offend me at all.  It's just the plain ol' truth.  
Things can be falling apart at the seams and there will always be my life to compare down to.
No one can imagine life without their child- no one.  

I'm that mom. I'm the mom who witnessed her precious girl leave mortality. 
I'm the mom who runs into people I haven't seen in a decade and they 
express their sincere sympathies, instead of simply saying "it's good to see you." 
I'm the constant recipient of sympathy and condolences, which I appreciate, but I don't want to be that mom.  I want my daughter back so I can be the mom who gets to introduce her Mia to people I haven't seen in a decade; and they can meet her and know of her sweet spirit.     
I'm the mom who is not dealing well with her grief. 
I am defeated and sad. 
I know there are other mom's/families out there who have gone through this, but it just feels so awful ALL OF THE TIME!  How in the world do they survive!!?  
I am the mom that is living the unimaginable described by everyone she comes in contact with. 

I don't want to be that mom. 
I want to go back to when I was simply the mom to Jense, Ells, Mia, and Sam. 

That's all I want.  
That is all I'll ever want.