What to say, how to say it…
I know I will never be able to convey what I am feeling…
When I first learned that Mia needed a heart transplant I knew she would be okay. That part I never doubted. I felt like I needed to be in Washington to help with the other stuff…Jense, Ellie, cleaning, helping where I could so Mimi and John could have a tiny relief. I look back now at myself, and realize I had no idea what awaited me in Washington. I quit my job, closed up my house…packed up my car… I had no idea I was about to meet the love of my life.
In her short time here Mia impacted my life more than any other person in my thirtysomething years. I miss her so much. I miss her smile. I miss her hair. I miss her willingness to snuggle. I miss her voice. I miss her hands. When too much time had gone by that I had seen her or talked to her I would think, “I need a Mia fix!” Its funny that I always used to think that…. There is a line from a movie that I often think of when I think about Mia. In Notting Hill, Hugh Grant says of Julia Roberts, “It’s as if I’ve taken love heroin, and now I can’t ever have it again.” It may be wrong to compare my sweet girl to a drug, but that what this ache I have feels like. I will have to live one day at a time, I am an addict, I don’t have the luxury of a relapse….
I often referred to Mia as “my favorite human” and I meant it. There were times I would think, “If I had my own kids would I love them more than this? Is that even POSSIBLE?” The only time I can get out of my own grief is when I think about how Mimi and John must feel. They ARE Mia’s parents, if it is possible to love Mia more than I do, then they are the ones who know what that feels like….They must hurt more than I do. That is a grim thought. I feel so cheated. I waited so long to feel that kind of love for and from another person….and I only get to have it for four years?
I didn’t want this to be a sad blog post. Using the words “heroin” and “grim” kind of sets a tone. I try to be grateful for the wonderful memories. I so look foreword to seeing her again someday. I will have a broken heart until then.
I LOVE YOU MIA! THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE GIVEN ME! THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME! THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME! I WILL FOREVER BE YOUR NATS! YOU WILL FOREVER BE MY MIA!