Jan 24, 2013

Guest Blogger ~ Nats

Mia's other mommy aunt Nat wrote this blog.  The watercolor was done by my super talented bro-in law Nathan.  I love it.  It was given to her as a birthday present.  It hurts me to know how much she hurts.  I enjoyed their relationship.  I loved having someone love her so much... a witness to her beautiful spirit.  There are others who loved her a lot, but Nat longed to be with Mia... it was just different.  Mia loved her Nats and truly believed she was hers.  I miss her requests to call and talk to Nats, and I miss her excitement when she would get in the car to go on a "trip" with her Nats.  I miss it so much!  Ok... this is her post.    





I have been thinking about this for a long time….
What to say, how to say it…
I know I will never be able to convey what I am feeling…

When I first learned that Mia needed a heart transplant I knew she would be okay.  That part I never doubted.  I felt like I needed to be in Washington to help with the other stuff…Jense, Ellie, cleaning, helping where I could so Mimi and John could have a tiny relief.  I look back now at myself, and realize I had no idea what awaited me in Washington.  I quit my job, closed up my house…packed up my car… I had no idea I was about to meet the love of my life. 

In her short time here Mia impacted my life more than any other person in my thirtysomething years.  I miss her so much.  I miss her smile.  I miss her hair.  I miss her willingness to snuggle.  I miss her voice.  I miss her hands.  When too much time had gone by that I had seen her or talked to her I would think, “I need a Mia fix!”  Its funny that I always used to think that…. There is a line from a movie that I often think of when I think about Mia.  In Notting Hill, Hugh Grant says of Julia Roberts, “It’s as if I’ve taken love heroin, and now I can’t ever have it again.” It may be wrong to compare my sweet girl to a drug, but that what this ache I have feels like.  I will have to live one day at a time, I am an addict, I don’t have the luxury of a relapse….

I often referred to Mia as “my favorite human” and I meant it.  There were times I would think, “If I had my own kids would I love them more than this?  Is that even POSSIBLE?”  The only time I can get out of my own grief is when I think about how Mimi and John must feel.  They ARE Mia’s parents, if it is possible to love Mia more than I do, then they are the ones who know what that feels like….They must hurt more than I do.  That is a grim thought.  I feel so cheated.  I waited so long to feel that kind of love for and from another person….and I only get to have it for four years? 

I didn’t want this to be a sad blog post.  Using the words “heroin” and “grim” kind of sets a tone.  I try to be grateful for the wonderful memories.  I so look foreword to seeing her again someday.  I will have a broken heart until then. 

I LOVE YOU MIA!  THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE GIVEN ME!  THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME!  THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME! I WILL FOREVER BE YOUR NATS!  YOU WILL FOREVER BE MY MIA!