Feb 13, 2013

Ellie Program

Ellie had a little school program.  
Sammers kept running to give her hugs before the program started.
He loved running to her and yelling "Hi ED!"
Once he would get some hugs and kisses, he would run back to me.
Right when he crashed back into me he would say, "I wanna see Ed." Then he would run back.
This was fun until the program started... then it was a wrestling match between Sam and myself. Luckily I passed him off to Nats a time or two.

Sammers sure loves his "EDDIE!"
I love watching these two interact.  Ellie is the perfect older sibling... so sweet and accommodating to him.  She also loved all the attention and love he was sending her way. 

More loves. 

Ells and her daddy.  We just gave John a buzz... woopsie.  

Ellie is pretty excited about her ability to do the splits.  She did this as part of her little part in the program.  She decided that she wanted to represent McKenna, the American Girl Doll that does gymnastics.  After she said her part she disappeared behind the row of kids into her splits.  It was all her idea to do the splits... and I love that she has the confidence to do that.  

 Nats - Ells - Myself. 
When we were sitting there waiting for it to begin, Mia's preschool class paraded in and sat down in the front of the audience.  When I saw her little classmates I immediately wanted to throw up.  I physically can't handle the fact that my daughter was not there.  I can just imagine the look on her face watching her big sis.  I kept glancing over, but for the sake of not losing my mind during Ellie's moment to shine I had to stop looking.  I have to keep myself from doing a lot of things.  It takes a lot of will to not fall apart everytime I turn around.  The triggers are everywhere and I have to talk myself out of not hyperventilating sometimes.  It's not easy and I wish there was a way to change the way the synapses deliver information in my brain.  If I could I would make it so I felt peace because feeling like you are going to pass out from the pain of not having your daughter is exhausting and horrible!  I am just sad.  I try not to be because that is what I should try and do... right?  I am just sad.  so so so so so so sad.  She brought so much happiness and joy to us.  

I manage to smile but my heart is completely broken.  

Ells and her Nana and Papa.  
She recently asked them to speak at her baptism... which is really sweet.  
When I asked her who she wanted to speak she said 
"Aunt Nats, Nana, and Papa."  

- I know this little school program has more pictures than necessary, but I am scouring photos looking for pictures of my Mia with certain people and they don't exist   They don't.  In my opinion there can't be too many pictures.  I certainly do not have enough of my little girl and I just want to see her face more and more.  

Ells and the teacher she adores.  

As we left the school I noticed a poster of my boy holding a football.  
How cute is he!?  I had no idea there was a PRIDE picture of my Jense.  
It is so like him not to tell me there was a poster of him hanging there for who knows how long. 

It made me so Proud!  Love him!