Feb 7, 2013

Sunday Tradition

Mia was our number one snuggler by far.  She always wanted to "nuggle you."  I love that she wanted to be close all the time.  We wanted to nuggle her just as much as she wanted to nuggle us.  I distinctly remember stopping what I was doing on various occasions to nuggle her.  I am so glad I did.  I am glad I didn't continue what I was doing and ignore her requests   Nothing is more important to me that my kiddos.  I wish I could go back and spend a lot more time with her in my arms.

Sunday afternoons are made up of visiting the cemetery and "nuggling."  One makes my heart explode with sadness and the other soothes my soul.   Mia and I will have a lot of hours of snuggling to make up for when I finally get to see her again.  My arms ache for her.  I just want to breathe her in and smell her yummy hair and feel her soft skin.  Her little perfect self has left a huge gaping hole in my existence.  I do feel blessed to have three of my little people here to snuggle with.  I do know that I still have many blessings.  I just need my heart to get the memo and not torture me day after day.  Oh how I miss my girl.  I think I should at least have some sort of visitation rights.  Something.  Anything.

Are these not the most handsome boys alive?  I love them and am so glad I have them to snuggle.  I fell asleep while snuggling them, which is always an added bonus when they hold still long enough for me to sleep.

In an effort to weed out some of the negativity I have been forthcoming with on my blog I am going to attempt to write one thing in each blog that is positive or beautiful about my life.  At least one... don't get any big ideas.  They say you are never the same after a child goes to heaven, which feels tragically depressing to me.  However, they also say that you can feel like you have a beautiful life.  That is what they tell me... it sounds like a bunch of boo to me, but I must trust those that have done this before.  You have to get rid of a lot of ugliness, negativity, and find a way to cope, but they claim that there is beauty ahead.  Sadly I have never before in my life felt the pull of satan stronger than I do now.  There is nothing more depressing and discouraging than having a child return to heaven.  It seems strange I know... because she is in Heaven, however I can't stop from feeling so cheated and picked on.  I try to cut off the negative thoughts but they find their way in.  Every single day of my life since October has felt like I am being pulled down down down.  It's a miserable place to be, and one I do not wish on anyone.  There is no temptation to do anything "wrong," actually the opposite is true.  I don't want to do anything... at all.  It's the influence of being so sad and not wanting to do anything about it.  To stay discouraged and feel miserable.  I can force my self to snap out of it temporarily, but it is always looming.  Trying to get rid of the yuk  seems futile because my family is not physically here.  

Also, I write most of my feelings down at night when my children (and often my husband) are fast asleep.  It's impossible to feel anything but sad when- once again I climb into my bed having not sang a song to my girl or kissed her goodnight.  My thoughts consist of ugliness and I feel so sad for myself and my family.  I know it's ok to feel sad, but constantly feeling discouraged is not coming from a good source.  The task of clearing the muck just sounds like something I am incapable of doing.  so.... that's is why I am here night after night writing about how incredibly sad I am and how I will never be truly happy again.  

A dear friend challenged me to add one beautiful thought to every post.  I will attempt.  I'm beginning to believe that so much of the beauty that once was mine is now a distant memory. Meh!  So today to get feelings of ugliness away from me I will concentrate on my beautiful children who are responsible for the beauty.  All of them! I have one daughter in heaven and three adorable children that snuggle me on Sunday and in doing so fill me with gratitude.  I love them!  So much!