Mar 18, 2013

Cemetery Makeover

The construction crew at the cemetery.  
It is always a fun surprise to see things that people have left. 
Someone made this cute little tulle heart shaped decoration. 
whoever you are... thank you!   

Ells carved Mia's name in the snow.
Much of the snow is melted now... and more additions have been made.
I am not any closer to picking out a memorial stone for her.
I just really really really don't want to do it.
Is it something I have to do?

I want to choose one almost as much as I want to contact all of the Florida billing companies.
No thanks. 

Aunt Nats getting serious with the power tools. 

Ells working hard with the snow shovel. 

Nat bought a little bird feeder and we assumed we could just put it in the ground.  Not the case... we had to go back to the house for some tools.  The ground is very frozen.  The thought of the ground being frozen and my tiny daughter's body in there makes me want to throw up.  I hate it.  I hate everything about her not being here.  I will admit I am having "good days" but I have yet to have a day where I am free of moments of complete despair.  Being an "angel mom" is overly exhausting.   I never get a break.  I get stretches here and there, but the sadness is always there. Always ready to swoop in at a moments notice. Sometimes it consumes me to the point I feel like I can't breathe.  Life just shouldn't be like this.  It's just too too sad.  

"pool pool" butterfly.  It was magnetic and the perfect addition to birdcage.

The heart from the Macdonld family.  

Ells volunteering to be in the pictures.  

It's a good sign that she is smiling at the cemetery.
She misses her sister so much. 

Tonight she came in after going to sleep and was sad because after we sang songs to the kids Mia would always make silly noises to make Ellie laugh.  Her favorite was snorting.  She was really really good at snorting then giggling uncontrollably.  It was sweet and heartbreaking to hear Ellie tell how Mia would wait as she heard our footsteps fade, and when we were safely gone she would whisper, "Ellie...Ellie," and then snort to get Ellie to giggle.

Now there is just silence and it breaks my heart.
We all need her.