Mar 5, 2013

I'm in here somewhere

I took pictures for the Waspettes.  
I enjoyed viewing the images and feel some enthusiasm returning.
Happiness is trickling back in and I'm enjoying things again that I haven't cared for in months. 

This is one of my favorite pictures (and girls) of the pictures I've taken of all time.  
I love all of the girls, and wish we could have another year with the same team. 
We are getting ready for the Spectacular this weekend, and Ells can't wait to spend time with the Waspettes.  It feels like yesterday that we were going to the high school with Mia and I was putting her tiny feet into Ellie's old ballet slippers.   It is the only time she ever wore any dance shoes. 
Thinking about how she will never wear dance shoes again in this life torments me to the point of exhaustion.  It just is not fair. For her. For me. For everyone.  There is so much she never got to do, and so much we will all miss out on.  It feels suffocating at times!! I want to take pictures of her dancing.  I want to know what she looks like right now.  I want to cut her hair. I want to read stories to her.  I want to "nuggle" her on the couch.  I just don't get to have any of it.  It's awful.    

Thinking about the spectacular makes me ill that my girlie won't be there.  I wish I could rewind to last year when my girl was there.  Looking back to how happy she was creates a huge void thinking about how this year's Waspette clinic will turn out.  I just want her here.  I want to give her twenty dollars... I just want her.  I will always want her.  

Despite feeling devastated frequently throughout the day taking these pictures proved to be enjoyable, which gives me hope for my future.  

I may not be the same, but I'm in here somewhere