Mar 11, 2013

Mia Blanket

The first few months after Mia went to Heaven I have felt as though my brain was in survival mode and I did not take many pictures.  It is difficult for me to go back to October... to think about it.  I started to think about October last night and I could not close my eyes or even get a little bit tired.  When I think about the chain of events that led up to Mia's leaving, my brain races with how much I truly can't handle thinking about it.  It makes me want to throw up.  When I entertain my thoughts about October it's as if the darkness takes over and I'm trapped feeling hopeless and discouraged.  After a few hours of crying and feeling devastated I finally fell asleep.  In the morning I thought about how I can start trying to sleep without having sadness attacks come on and not leave.  I don't have the answer.  I did the same thing last night.  I just can't sleep and I'm too exhausted to get up and do anything and I just let my sadness take over until somehow I fall asleep.  Much of my day is filled with flashes of intense sadness that is all consuming and there seems to be just no way around it.  When Mia went to Heaven there was an overwhelming outpouring of love for our family.  I mean, unimaginable. outpouring. of. love.   I am encouraged by how many good people there are who truly care.  Good good people.  

I have daily reminders of the wonderful acts of love when I walk past something, or see something that was given to us.  There is so much and I don't know that I will ever get to all of it, but I'll make an effort.  This blanket is so sweet to me.  It is a blanket that was made by her preschool teachers and friends.  All of the handprints are her friends and the thumb prints are her teachers.  I had it safely in the living room for months and would sit and stare at the prints and names and just cry.  Mia loved preschool and she loved her teachers so much.  It is still so difficult to think about her preschool and her not there.  For weeks I would think it was time to pick her up, and then I remembered... she's not there.  My mind is often the cruelest offender to my heart.  She is not there.  It is actually not time to go get her.  I hated it.  I used to scream loudly especially if Sam wasn't here at 3:15 when I would usually leave to pick her up.  She always ran to me and gave me a huge hug.  I wish I could go back and have her run to me.  I miss that so much.  Every single day is a battle without her, and daily I have to fight just to survive.  It's not easy and it's not fun. 

I love her name.  If you just stare it at... you will soon discover it really is the most darling name.  
In other languages it means "mine."  
I wish so badly that I could have her... right now.  
There is so much I want to teach her and show her and I just want to hold her tiny hand.  I want her hand print on the blanket.  I want her to still be here... with me!!! 

The finishing touch was the minnie mouse at the bottom.  
I just love it and will always cherish this blanket.  It is so sweet and so thoughtful. 
The preschool teachers and students created such a darling gift for us, and this super talented woman quilted it. When I see her quilts I am in awe of her creativity.   

Sadly I allowed Sammy to snuggle with it right before I took the picture so it's a bit wrinkled but I think it will definitely be hung up in Mia's room when I can stand to be in there for longer periods of time.  It's just too difficult to be in there when she is not.  It's almost like I can see her there amongst her things, but I can't.  I can almost hear her giggling, but I can't.  I can almost feel her sitting on my lap, but I can't.  It's torture pretty much every single day.   

Living without something I cherish so deeply is making me crazy.  

Thank you for making this lovely quilt. Truly. I love it, and although it makes me cry I love seeing all the prints of those lives that knew her and loved her.  Thank you for that!