Apr 6, 2013

About 6 months ago



About Six months ago I still had my baby girl.

About Six months ago we were in a hospital waiting to get a quick treatment and head off to Disneyworld

About Six months ago Mia was reading stories with her daddy.

About Six months ago I was making yummy fish taco's for my family. 

I Downloaded Instagram to update friends and family on her make a wish trip.  
These are four of the few pictures I took that week with my ipod.  

It just doesn't hold the same appeal now.

We had a good snuggle in the hospital bed waiting and waiting and waiting to find out what was going on. That is the last time we ever snuggled. 

I went downstairs to update daddy while she was snuggling Mickey Mouse.  I didn't want to wake her up.  Had I known it would have been my last time snuggling her, I would never have gone downstairs.  

I wish I could rewind to six months ago and insist they start the Milrinone before beginning the biopsy.  It was in their hands!!!  I wish I could insist they transfer her to the right hospital.  

I wish I had never taken her to Florida. 

I wish so many things that will never come true.  

About six months ago I was happy. Truly truly happy.  

About six months ago my life drastically changed.  

Why does it have to hurt so much all the time?

Today, about six months later, her baby brother Sam is still asking for her. 
He started to cry and said he wants to go see his Meena. 
When I asked him where she was he replied,
"She is at the hospital, at the doctors... she's almost all done."

He thinks she is still at the hospital.  

Then he said-
"She's getting a check up, but she's almost done, please mom, can we get Meena?"
"please mom?"

He is 3. 

Somedays I feel like my mama heart can only handle so much torture. 
When he asks for her I need to produce his Meena. I need to. 
It is too awful to tell him she is not at the hospital. 
He wants his sister.

We all need her.. about six months ago we had her. 

They say it gets easier with time... six months later would prove otherwise. 

Tonight I heard something that broke my heart.  I know I am not the only one hurting.  I am about six months into this journey and everywhere I look it seems as though others are beginning it.  

My mind is often my worst enemy and at the same time my only sanctuary   When I think about what We've missed out on not having her here, I begin to panic.  On the other hand, my memories of my Mia keep me sane.  I miss her through and through. She is my angel... she always has been.  

The past six months have been impossible without her.
I keep thinking something will happen and I won't have to live another six months without her.  
Maybe this is the way I have to believe in order to cope. 
One day at a time and not looking too far into the future.

About six months ago I truly had it all.