May 8, 2013

Good With the Bad

I went to the cardiologist last week.  I was there in the echo room trying desperately to keep it together since the last time I was there was with my precious Mia.  I am also a patient there and considered just being seen at a different facility, but my doctor's appointments were so far out that I just bit the bullet and went.  Going to the hospital without Mia will always be a challenge... always.   My mom came with me per tradition and at the end of my echo I saw her looking side to side swaying back and forth. She looked like she was imitating Stevie Wonder and I just looked up and laughed.  I've never seen my mom spontaneously dancing so this was quite a treat.  After my laughter tapered off and hers... she explained she has arthritis in her neck and that is how she loosens it up.  Too bad I didn't get it on camera. It definitely lightened the mood and was a welcome distraction from being somewhere I flat out did not want to be.  

Hospital days are exhausting.  Heart problems are exhausting  Life is exhausting. Death is exhausting.  Why does everything have to be so exhausting!??  John and Sammers also came with us to SLC, and made it to the appointment just as the doctor came in.

THE GOOD:

My heart improved (according to the measurements).  It did not get any worse meaning the root has not become more dilated.  This is due to the fact that I am finally taking my medication regularly.  I am glad it is not more dilated, although for a fraction of the visit I was hoping I needed heart surgery;  simply for the possibility that I might see my girly while I'm under.  You hear of people telling of visitations they had while under anesthesia.  I don't know whether to be embarrassed or not, but truthfully I would gladly undergo heart surgery for a chance to see my Mia.   For now I don't need surgery... possibly in a few years.

THE BAD:

While we were there the doctor also listened to Sam.  Back when he had his seizure episode the doctor said he thought he heard a murmer.  My doctor listened to him and confirmed that he did in deed have a murmer.  WHAT?!  I informed her that I was not accepting any other heart problems in my family.  She said she recommends he have an echo.  Learning of his echo my day quickly went from alright to not my favorite.  Ellie has a bicuspid valve and if Sammy has one too... so help me.  No more heart problems please!  Sometime soon I will have his little heart checked out.  Sometimes I feel like running away from the health issues that plague my family.  Why can't our hearts work properly?  Why did Mia's heart stop?  It fully recovered.  It just hurts so badly that her heart was fine after they gave her the medication she needed.  I know I will never have the answers to all of my why's... but that doesn't mean I will ever stop wondering.