May 7, 2013

Pieces of My Heart

I have been trying lately not to dump all of my heart out.  It's a challenge.  I am trying to "try it on for size"  a reality where I don't cry at every little last thing that triggers how sad I am.  I have tried.    I will admit I am not very good at this.  My life has become a series of sneakiness.  I am the sneaky mourner.  I cry when I know I can cry hard and fast and hopefully get it all out before anyone is the wiser.  The bathroom... the shower... in my car with the music up.  Why the need to hide?  I don't know.  I am not embarrassed or ashamed to cry... It's just easier to not have "moments" every-time someone sees me with tears in my eyes.  A new therapy I am trying which is sad yet maybe a little hint of funny is stepping in front of mirror.

If you are crying and you can't stop.  If you watch yourself  cry suddenly you see your face in all it's crying glory and sometimes (not always) you just have to laugh instead.  Maybe it is due to the fact that you never see what you look like when you cry.  For me, just seeing my grown up self crying like crazy can literally turn my frown upside down.  This technique is usually used if I just can't shake the sadness and the ugly thoughts. I know if I sit in front of my mirror and let it all out sometimes I can end up laughing instead.  When I just want to cry I avoid the mirror, but sometimes I am just so sick and tired of crying.  If you are a perpetual cryer and need a go to for stopping I would give it a shot.  I will throw it out there that I had no idea I looked the way I did when I cry.  Pre October I wasn't much of a cryer.  I only happy cried.  I am a reformed happy crier.  It is all devastation from here on out I'm afraid.  Now I am a sneaky, sad, mirror if necessary crier.  It just strikes without warning.  Today my triggers for the flash flood of tears were:
- snuggling on couch with sammers watching backyardigans and seeing mia sing those songs in my mind.
- looking in the rearview mirror and not seeing her happy face.
- seeing Aida in her drive way (post about this precious girl coming soon... just haven't been able to do it yet.)
- Seeing a STUPID commercial for Disney World. It's like a knife... no a sword to my heart
- Seeing her face smiling back at me in the hallway
-  Thinking about walking into her room and seeing her playing quietly and lighting up when she saw me come in.
- Ellie wearing her shirt to school
- Cooking "new news" for dinner
- Singing Ellie bedtime songs in Mia's bed.  She now sleeps in Mia's bed.

Yes this was all in one day- ONE!  Can you image what my week is like?  no... no you can't. Unless you can, and if you can I wish desperately that you did not.  Somedays I feel so so sad and other days I am so busy I only cry a few times.

Onto the next piece of my heart-

I have met some really neat people lately and I know without a doubt that they have been placed in my life.  Sometimes there are just certain people you need in your life in order to be the person you are supposed to be.  Even if they said one thing that resonated past your awareness into an ever so small place of you that holds absolute truths.  From a few of my interactions lately I have hope for my future.  Hope that one day I might look back and feel like I didn't lead a life destroyed, empty, and with a dark cloud continually shadowing my sunshine.  Most days it is just easier to give into the sadness and not fight for progress... not fight for a beautiful legacy for Mia.  The lows of my grief are extremely low.  I am so grateful for people who have been placed in my path to encourage me through the lows.  I don't consider myself lucky by any stretch, but I am fortunate to have some truly amazing people in my life... life longs, as well as newcomers.    

Another Piece-

Tonight I was at the hospital.  I was doing training for intermountain healing hearts.  I saw a dear friend who's daughter just had surgery.  So many familiar emotions entered my heart when I saw her.  For a second it felt like Mia was never gone... that this is still a big part of my life.  I have been back to the hospital a few times since October, but haven't written about my experiences.  It is difficult to be there.  Twice today I was in a restroom that I always took Mia into.  I can remember vividly things she said about some drawings on the wall.  Her sweet little voice echos in my ears when I am there.  I walked past all of the patient rooms she has gone into for clinic.  It feels like we were just in there.  Last August was her last appointment and everything looked great.  How on earth was I at the hospital today without her?  Sometimes the pain is so much I have to tell my brain it isn't real.  It's easier to just believe this isn't really my life- even just to make it through the hour. Mia made me so happy all of the time.  She was sweet and said the most endearing things.  I had an angel in my arms for four years and I miss her so much!

to be continued....