Jun 13, 2013

Bike Shop/ Remembering Mia

Johnboy and the kids have a long standing tradition of "bike shop."  
Together they tune up their bikes or change the tires or pedals or seats.  It is more a less an hour or two of swapping parts and pumping up tires.  The other day I caught Sammers on a solo mission playing bike shop.  He had his tools and he would bang on the tires and move the wrench back and forth on the bolts.  I was just watching him work away... listening to his sweet voice saying, "do this... then, yep! fix this one... like that."  He makes my heart melt.  

He finally caught me taking pictures of him. 

This isn't really related, but after bike shop we went on a drive.  JB really wants to own an old school flat bed truck someday. 1950's or earlier. If he randomly sees one parked somewhere, he will seek out the owner and ask if it is for sale.  I asked him why he wants one so badly.  His reply was,  "I just want to haul stuff around in it."  fair enough.  He found a pretty awesome one that he frequently drives past just to look at from time to time.  If I'm in the car I hear him quietly say to himself  "there's my truck." He cracks me up.  He wants to get one and fix it up and apparently "haul stuff around in it."  He is all about fixing things up... from bikes to old trucks. :-)  I love that the kids love to be out with him fixing things.  Sammy has a hammer called, "fix it" which I'm pretty sure comes from a movie... but he knows it fixes things.

We have Mia's bikes in the garage and her little pink car.  Sometimes they will be out in the driveway and my heart sinks when I see them out there.  I just want to her hear her soft voice, and see her sweet little body riding her bike.  I miss that girl and it feels like I miss her more and more every day.  Is there a point where I will max out and combust? I just need her.  I'm trying to keep my blog going with all of our family memories, but my heart just wants to pour out all of the sadness I feel.  I am sad.  I am hurt. I want my baby girl and I will always want her.  Living with intense grief is not working out for me.  I just want to see her and hold her and talk to her and snuggle her and hold her hand, and give her kisses.  This mama's heart is so broken.  Must we all live our lives without her?  It is just so unfair and mean.

Today I was remembering all of her goofy noises she made.  She had her happy scream yes, but she was also big into snorting, and sucking air into her lungs loudly making her voice crack, squealing with happiness. She made so many happy noises and sometimes I will hear Sammy in another room and he sounds just like her.  I miss you so much today little girl.  The kids pray every single night that you are "having fun in heaven."  Watching my other children miss her is like how I imagine it would feel to remove daggers from my body... it hurts a lot!  At least there would be relief when the daggers are out.  My daggers crop up everyday and often remain inplace tormenting me.  Today would be a good day for some sort of indication that she is having fun.  We all just miss her so much!