Jun 2, 2013

I'm getting old


My b-day was last month.  
John made me a super ultra delicious triple chocolate cake... it was better than Costco in my opinion.  He made a practice cake the night before my birthday to make sure it was tasty.

-p.s. I get tired of pictures in color...different B&W conversions are what I choose today. :-)


Sammers tried and tried to blow out the candles... he makes my heart happy- that one. 


He finally succeeded and I hope he gets his wish.  
I know it will be a long time before my wish comes true.  Stupid.
Which is why I no longer am afraid of birthdays... bring them on.  


On my actual birthday we had dinner and the super delicious cake at my sister Raegan's house.
Thanks Rae! You are the Beeeest!
Sammers had another shot at blowing out the candles... look at his perfect little face.
The swirl on his head is an added bonus.
I could eat him up instead of the cake!


He loved all of his gifts! Again, this little boy saves my heart every day.
Thanks to all of my family for their sweet gifts!
The gift Sammers is holding in the pic is a super thoughtful gift from my mom.  She asked Mia's preschool teachers to write down memories of Mia.  She put all of the cards in a sheet protector.  It was sweet to read about my little girl.  Thanks mom! That was super sweet!
It's nice to hear from others just how special of girl Mia is.  She really really is.  The sweetest.


Ells had this brilliant idea to shove cake in my face for my birthday.  I guess she had been plotting it out with her dad for days.  I felt like garbage on my birthday... you can tell huh?
I definitely wasn't ready for the cake smashing, and played it off like it was funny, but I did enjoy Ellie's reaction. 


This face says it all!


A birthday, I don't feel so great "nuggle" with aunt Nats.
Everyone needs a sister... or five like me :-)
The only thing missing from this nuggle is a little 4 year old blondie!
She loved being the middle of the sandwich.  I must admit (you have mostly likely already figured out) that I did have a pity party on my birthday.
Holidays/mother's day/birthdays/Christmas... they will always be lacking.  I just want my daughter!



"Weesie" had a little get together for my birthday with some friends in the ward.  It was a fun evening!  The Ice cream Sundays were delicious!!

I also got to see some of my girl friends from Washington a few weeks after my birthday.  no pic.




A week after my birthday my Valley friends surprised Cha (Shaw) and I with a birthday dinner.  
It was a fun night and I love love all of my gifts! I have such good friends!


Nat was the best surprise of the evening.
Lilly contacted her on the sly and I loved having her there!
When she got there we had to take a pic because we were matchy matchy. 


video

This is a clip of them practicing the surprise.  
They are so fun and so goofy... just my style!

I also got a lot of gifties in the mail.  I guess when you are the mother of the little girl that went to Heaven on her make a wish trip people really want to love you up.
One of my fav's was a big basket... for my bike.  Thanks Rebecca!!

Thank you so much for the cards and cute things I got in the mail.  I feel spoiled and know I will never be able to respond in kind to all of the generosity that has been so abundantly given to me.
Thank you!!

One of my favorite gifts was from a dear friend Mauri.  She is one of my heart moms that I get together with outside of heart mommy events.  I truly enjoy her company!  I was visiting her at the hospital when her little girl had just had surgery.  I walked into DJ's room and saw her there with all the drains and craziness and her little body looked so much like Mia's. My knees almost buckled.  I steadied my footing and proceeded with a resolve not to cry.  As I was talking to Mauri all of my thoughts were "don't cry, don't cry, don't cry."  I did pretty good.  It was like I was visiting my life, but it wasn't my life anymore.  I don't know how to describe it other than it was really bizarre... almost as if someone had stolen my life.  She is not my daughter, but everything felt so familiar and it was not long ago that I was there with my Mia.  I would give anything to be back in a recovery room with my daughter... anything!!

I took a quick glance at the monitors and immediately knew what everything meant.  
Her surgery went so well, and I am so happy for them!
We visited for awhile, and before I left she gave me this book as a birthday gift.



I read it there in DJ's hospital room. AGAIN, I had to convince myself, "don't cry... don't cry... don't cry" as I turned the pages. It's about a little dancing mouse named Mimi.  So great.


Here is a page from the book-



Mauri, you have my heart! You and that little girl of yours.
Thank you for the birthday gift and for believing that I will pick my self up with a smile and continue dancing.  It is a cute book, and my kiddos like it too.

Besides the underlying sadness of desperately wanting my daughter back, my birthday(s) was full of love!  I definitely can't complain about not having a lot of wonderful people in my life. If only we could get back that one vital piece that is missing... I would never need any future celebrations/gifts... ever!