Jul 6, 2013

Wearing Necklaces


I decided to wear one of my necklaces that JB gave me for Christmas.  
I don't know why I was nervous about taking them out of the box.  

I live in a constant state of feeling like I won't have to do this (life) for very long. 
Some days it just feels too difficult, that it can't possibly go on for much longer. 

I think this is just a coping mechanism of mine that I might need some help admitting that I might have live my life without my little girl here... 

I often get messages when I write about normal life things, and people are happy to see me smiling and doing things that resembled my old life.  Many parts of my day resemble my old life, but the longer I live without her, the more I realize a part of me is always going to be sad.  A deep, often debilitating sadness that owns my life.  Even on my best days, days full of light, clarity,  and happiness... the sadness is standing by.  Sometimes It falls in my lap without warning and I am rendered helpless under the attacks.  There are times where I feel uplifted and supported, and not moments later it comes crumbling down.  This will always be a struggle... I am going to battle grief the rest of my life.  I am generally not a sad person, but now a part of me will always be sad.   

I've been thinking a lot about her birthday, and the more I think about it, the more sharp stabs of pain consume me.  I am sad for myself, but my painful thoughts are also for my husband, my kiddos, and my extended family.  I think about everyone and what their life is like without her, and I have no control over how sad it is for everyone.  

Last night my sister Nat and I were sitting at the cemetery together. 
Often when I talk to her I know how much she misses Mia.  It's just understood.
She is sad... I am sad. 

We sat there and it started to sprinkle... when we finally left it was raining quite a bit. 
It suited the mood.  Getting rained on was metaphorically appropriate     

I started this post wanting to communicate that on some minuscule level I am recognizing that I have to start wearing my necklaces so to speak.  I planned this post to be a happy one, but the more I typed, it turned.  I guess there is something to be said for the intention.