Sep 30, 2013

Picture Day

Little Mia Marie

One year ago I took my Mia to get her preschool pictures taken. 
I remember being excited for her to wear her brand new dress. She was so excited that it was covered in hearts, and the material was shinny just like my girl.  
I took her to school and ended up walking with her to get her pictures.
As I stood at the table waiting to pay for the portraits I put on some lip gloss.
Mia said she wanted some, so I applied a little lip gloss to my girlies lips. 
I never in a million years thought that would be the last time I gave her lip gloss.

This is one of the last pictures of my baby girl.
She was so happy!
So Healthy!

As I got Ellie ready for pictures yesterday I couldn't help but think about one year ago. 
One year ago our family was beautifully whole! 
It just hurts so badly that she is not here.
I want to get her dressed and curl her hair and give her a little lip gloss. 
Is that too much to ask? 
Everyday part of our day is missing
Part of our lives are missing
living without Mia is like an unquenchable thirst.  
Day after day I need her and day after day I suffer the droubt. 
We all miss her so much, and I wish we could just rewind to when i put that little dress on that perfect little girl. 
The need to have her back will always exist. 
Part of who I am will forever be defined as a mother who needs her child back. 

She only wore that dress the one time.
One time.
It hangs in her closet... in the same place as it did the day I put it back in the closet. 

As we approach the year mark my heart feels like it is going to explode.
I can't believe it has almost been a year. I truly can't. 
How did I survive the last year?  
The most impossible of tasks... 

Can i just rewind? 
I don't want the years to start ticking by.
I want to go back and change it all
I want her back so badly it's a disease.

There will be no school picture of my little girl this year.
My heart is forever changed
I just can't believe that I will live most of my life without her here.

I don't expect most of the people reading my blog to understand, but losing a child is consuming.
My thoughts are not my own.

Her school pictures were delivered to us a few weeks after the funeral.
I stared at this face for a solid hour sobbing wondering why we had to come home without her. 
It still just does not make any sense. 

I miss her so much!