Oct 30, 2013

This isn't what I wanted

This week has been difficult.  It has been difficult because I feel like so many people I care about are going through trials.  My heart aches for them.  I want them to be happy... I want things to work out for them.  I don't know if I attract sadness or if I have a heightened awareness to sadness.   Ellie and I cried together about some sad news this week that didn't have anything to do with Mia.  We were genuinely heart broken for someone else.  My sweet Ellie kept coming up with a ideas to try and make it better for this person.  Sadly sometimes there is no making it better... there just isn't.  Today while listening to a friend who is having a really difficult time I just wanted to make her life easier.  Where is my magic wand?

I am able to sympathize because I feel sad on a daily basis.  The other day I was explaining to a friend how throughout my day, at least a few times I take a big breath, shrug my shoulders, feel a surge of pain in my heart and think to myself, "this isn't what I wanted."

To illustrate what I mean, I am keenly aware of Mia not being here.  Her absence is recognized thought after thought.  When I wake up in the morning I immediately remember that I don't get to see her face and hear her darling voice.  When I get something for Sammers for breakfast my brain is still trained to give Mia her meds... then my heart says, "this isn't what I wanted." I want them both here... together.  I go in her room and all of her things are still there and she isn't and my longing increases when I see her clothes and her cute shoes that housed the most precious little girl.  Sammers likes to watch the same shows he did when Mia was here... they watched them together.  When I drop Ellie off for dance I always think about how they were supposed to be dropped off together.  When Ellie paints Sam's finger nails I think about how Ellie was completely fulfilled painting Mia's and so many other sweet things between the two sisters I miss witnessing every day.  It is just not what I wanted.  I want her here. Moment after moment throughout my day my mind is consumed with that missing piece. That sweet little four year old that brought so much light to all of us.      

I attended a viewing this week and I just wanted to scoop the young mother up and rescue her from the pain.  The un-imaginable pain to follow.  I know not everyone grieves the same way I have, but I just don't want anyone ever ever ever to have kiss their sweet baby for the last time.  I know it is not "the end" I know! When you are the mother it feels really final and agonizing.  I think about the months following October and I feel like I was living in the twilight zone of horror.  It was awful. Unimaginable grief during those beginning months plagued my existence.  My brain has somewhat accepted this grief, but It doesn't take away the pain... just makes it manageable.

 I didn't think about my broken heart as much this week.  My heart was occupied with thoughts of others and their sadness and trials.  Mia is always in my heart, but sadness after sadness happened this week allowing me to think of them and their pain and not my own.  As I step out of my own grief and put all of my sympathy on others and none on myself I feel a piece of me heal.  I know I am not the only one who has to suffer, and just thinking about specifically her months ahead takes pieces of my self pity away knowing that she is just starting her life without her child.  For me it was and sometimes is still a very lonely place.

This week was the week of bad news... it just kept coming and coming like a determined mosquito.  I saw sadness and devastation in the eyes of those I care about. Everyone is tested... everyone experiences trials.  Mine will be life long, which ages me decades on the inside when I think of missing her this much every day for the rest of my days.  I guess knowing that I have to hunker down and this trial won't "resolve" until I have my Mia back in arms allows me to feel deep sympathy for others. I am able to step out knowing it will be waiting for me.    

This week was by all means challenging from learning about shattered dreams to looking into the eyes of  a heart mama witnessing the end of her son's mortality... I am helpless.  Sadly, I have no words of wisdom... just sympathy.  

Sometimes the miracle comes, sometimes the blessing arrives just in time, and sometimes they do not.  They just don't..  I have experienced both and can celebrate with those who were given that miracle, and can empathize with those, who like me, now shrug their shoulders multiple times a day and think to themselves... "this isn't what I wanted."